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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25209004">The mourn</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Thespoonmaker/pseuds/Thespoonmaker'>Thespoonmaker</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Frozen (Disney Movies)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alcohol, Angst, Difficult Decisions, Difficult Relationship, Dorks, F/F, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Feelings, Fluff and Angst, Modern AU, Non-Consensual Kissing, Not Actually Unrequited Love, POV First Person, Sister/Sister Incest, Sisters? Yes but actually no, Sorry Not Sorry, one slap solves everything, one slap woman, what the hell are they doing?</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-07-11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-01-11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 11:01:04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>8</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>69,892</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25209004</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Thespoonmaker/pseuds/Thespoonmaker</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Anna is a lonely child. When she loses her mum in a car accident, Elsa, her sister, has to take her in. And everything is fun and roses until Anna figures out, well… that she loves her.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Anna &amp; Elsa (Disney), Anna/Elsa (Disney)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>36</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>85</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>The Elsanna Collection</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hi there! I know you've been waiting long for a new chapter, but I hope this surprise makes you happy all the same. The whole story is being rewritten. Yay! You will notice some changes in the new chapters as: lot more words (like a lot); new details; minor changes in the plot. In the future there might be less chapters but you won't feel the difference. Trust me. I've been working on it for months and I hope you love the result. So check the chapters and if they show the "rewritten" sign, they are shiny and new. Let me know what you think about them.</p><p>Love you all. See you soon.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>THE MOURN.</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>CHAPTER 1 (Rewritten)</b>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <em> It’s raining.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Isn’t it curious how a natural phenomenon like this one can affect people so deeply? How this kind of futile thing sticks to your mind when it should remember others? Why is that? Maybe because you don’t want to remember those other things. Maybe because the things that have happened are not worth remembering; or maybe your brain is just protecting you and it realises that weather is the only thing that could take off your mind from bad memories, not yet removing them entirely. It’s like a shadow, the weather, in the back of your mind. It represents the feeling more than the events itself and right now I would love to just remember the weather and forget about anything else. </p><p> </p><p>I feel the raindrops falling on my face, while the priest recites the eulogy in front of the coffin. They are sharp like blades on my trembling face. I don’t really know why I’m trembling now: if it’s because I’m still under some kind of shock or if I’m just cold. I’m gonna take my best guess and say both. Would have not been for this stupid rain, my mother would still be alive. Her car wouldn’t have swayed, there would have been no crash and she wouldn’t have died. But there’s the rain. </p><p> </p><p>If I close my eyes I can still see it: the road. It was slippery and the rain was pouring in a waterfall along all of it, but mum loved it. She said it was like a waterpark. The ups and the downs of the road were for her like rollercoasters and we would speed on them, splashing the water that was waiting for us in the hollow everywhere. This specific one was one of those nights.</p><p> </p><p>I had been late. My football training had prolonged more than intended and I had taken a lot of time under the showers since I was literally covered in mud. You know… the rain and all that stuff. So when I got in the car we were in a hurry for dinner. She had been promoted at her work, so we were going to have a little party at my cousin’s. But even if we were lagging behind, mum didn’t care. She played her game of ups and down along all the mountain side. She was racing to gain the time we needed and we were singing along with the radio. It was fine. We had done it millions of times. </p><p> </p><p>But this time was different. Mum took a wrong turn. The car was so fast she had no time to stop and the last thing I remember is the wall coming right against us. I immediately snap my eyes open. My breath is ragged and my ears are whistling. I still don’t know how I got out alive and intact from an accident like that. All I have got as a memento of it is scratches and bruises. But my mum wasn’t as lucky.</p><p> </p><p>I’ve got no more tears to cry and I feel way too alerted. It's like my senses are sharper now, after being spurred for so long by the pain. I feel overstimulated to be exact, photosensitive, and I’m fairly sure what’s keeping me up right now it’s just the adrenaline and that strange coffee-ish mixture I drank this morning. I look around myself with my burning puffy and red eyes and I see a few people gathered around the coffin, near me. They’re all wearing black; some of them are even crying but my gaze doesn’t linger on them too much. I don’t care about them. None of them is the person I’m searching for. I doubt I would recognize her, in any case. It’s been too long. </p><p> </p><p>I can’t but think that this is all my cousin Rapunzel’s fault. She was supposed to be here today, but she called herself out of it, as if the funeral of a family member is something that you can just… skip. Like it’s a meeting for a movie or a dinner you don’t want to go to. If it hadn’t been for her I wouldn’t be here alone, waiting for a stranger. As the priest talks, my mind wanders to the memory of the conversation I had with her on the telephone this morning. If I concentrate enough I can still hear her voice, clear as if she were talking to me at this exact moment. A few lines I can’t but repeat like a mantra, as if doing this would help me give the words new meanings:</p><p> </p><p><b> <em>“</em> </b> <em> How are you, Anna?”. </em></p><p>
  <em> “My mother’s dead”.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “Don’t worry, I talked to Elsa. She’ll be there. Everything will be alright”. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “I don’t want to go with her. I wanna stay with you, please...”.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “You know that’s not possible”.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “Will I see you today?”. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “I won’t be able to make it, but…”. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>I don’t really know why I asked her to keep me with her. Why did I humiliate myself like that? What was I thinking? I think I’m just scared by this whole situation. I mean… who would ever be prepared for… this? I look at my hands, holding them tight. My fingers are red and literally freezing, but I don’t have the time to worry about it. The priest’s last words get me by surprise. I see him close the book he has in his hands and I recollect myself. I know that at this point I must make a speech. I learned some phrases, to avoid stuttering about things otherwise meaningless. </p><p> </p><p>I sniffle and, while I finish talking, I send some glaces with the back of my eye at the two gravediggers who are slowly lowering the coffin in the ditch. I sigh and as it touches the bottom. I reach down, I grab a handful of dirt from the floor and then I throw it on the polished wooden lid. And thus it’s over. The funeral, as long as my mother’s life. The priest lowers his head and sends all of the people present in peace and they, after paying me their last respects, slowly leave. Not even the priest stays long after. He’s got another funeral, apparently. Only I hesitate, standing in front of the burial mound and the tombstone. I look at it thinking.</p><p> </p><p>I was never lucky with those concepts of house and family. Mine have always been… different. Dysfunctional in some ways. </p><p> </p><p>Since my parents divorced, my world has been divided in two. My father took my sister and ran off to Norway to his family, while I stayed here in America, with my mother. Those are the joys of being born in mixed families. The family that was left for me were my mother, her sister and my cousin Rapunzel, even if they lived far from us, in another city. For all I know, my father didn’t live long either. He died a couple of years ago, from some strange sickness. I’ve never been invited to the funeral. And now my mother is also dead and it’s like my world decided to shrink even more. It feels tiny and suffocating. </p><p> </p><p>The exact instant the news that I am an orphan came out to the world, the battle for my custody started, between my aunt and the judge, mostly. Even if the woman fighted strenuously against the government, to get my custody, at the end, nothing could be done. There was no point in explaining the judge that the person he wanted to entrust me to was not… technically family. He looked at the papers. The papers can’t lie. So he was sure that was the right decision. </p><p> </p><p>I keep looking at the dirt until I feel completely drenched in rain and cold and I understand that now is the right moment to go back home. I hold my waist with my arms and I start walking head down, putting one step after another. The weather is getting worse by the minute but when I finally arrive at my house’s front door, I find out that while I was not here, someone came and changed the lock. I sigh. I knew this morning the landlord would come to get the house back. He had warned me he was not giving me more time, but I didn’t think he would close me out of it while I was at the damn funeral in this weather and in this kind of barbaric way. </p><p> </p><p>I grit my teeth and nothing is left for me to do but to curl in a ball on the porch steps, hoping that at least the rain will be merciful. I take out the cap I have brought with me, from my coat pocket and I put it on to cover my face from the water. At some point I start shuddering from the cold, but I still try not to linger too much on my thoughts. I don’t want to start crying again. And then suddenly I hear a distant sound of footsteps, advancing in the rain. I lift my head up, sniffling and, in the distance, I see someone approaching. I feel my heart skip a leap and a knot twists in my guts. It’s a woman and she’s damn gorgeous. She’s tall, fair and has pale blonde hair. She walks slowly, holding a black umbrella on her head. She looks familiar, but I can’t remember where I last saw her. Is she here for the funeral? Is she mum’s friend? She seems uncertain. She looks around herself, then at the house, then she notices me and comes closer, pointing at the door behind me, with her slender and elegant finger. </p><p> </p><p>“Does Anna Andersen live here?”. She asks nicely and in a low voice, but hurriedly. She wears beautiful expensive black sunglasses that visibly clash with the weather. That’s how I figure out she’s not using them against the sun, but just to hide her eyes. In addition she wears a suit, also black and leather gloves and she has her hair collected in a very elaborated chignon. She looks at me in silence, waiting patiently for the answer and I sigh, swinging my head. I think I know who she is and what she wants. </p><p> </p><p>“She’s not living here anymore. The house has been sold”. I mumble, not moving from my spot. That’s not entirely a lie. Both her eyebrows snap up as she looks at the door and she pulls back her bangs from her forehead, succeeding in conveying only a vague feeling of anxiety, with her inexpressive eyes. “Why are you asking? Do you know her?”. The woman softens her skirt, which also seems expensive, with her gloves. She looks uninterested. </p><p> </p><p>“That’s private”. She says, confirming my suspicions. I start observing her out of sheer curiosity, while she tightens her lips. She becomes rigid. I see her swallow nervously and I understand that talking about this topic embarrasses her. That’s it. That expression. That’s what makes her so familiar. I know where I’ve seen it. Her complexion is more the one of an adult now, her hair is paler, thinner and it looks longer than I remembered, her lineaments are soft and delicate. The pictures my mother used to hide in the attic, don’t do her any justice. On another occasion I would probably have complimented her for her beauty. “Are you a neighbor or a friend? Do you know where she could be? Did she leave an address I can search her at or something like that?”. I grimace. Apparently she doesn’t recognize me. I should have expected that. She hasn’t seen me since I was a baby. She’s changed too to be fair. “If you see her, could you tell her please that Elsa is searching for her?”. She keeps on asking and I'm starting to lose my patience. She didn’t come to the funeral, she doesn’t remember my face and she expects to take me to a country I’ve never seen, with her. That’s bold. How should I feel if not humiliated? “There’s not much time left. I have to find her”. She mumbles to herself, looking nervously at the watch on her wrist. </p><p> </p><p>“Shouldn’t you know where she is?”. I retort, venomously and I can swear I see her giving me a sharp glance behind those dark glasses. But she surrenders to swallow again, nauseated instead of arguing. She puts her glasses on her head. She rubs her eyes and clears her voice, before wearing the glasses again, preventing me from seeing her eyes. She seems exhausted. Maybe she’s just exasperated. No one in their right state of mind, landed with the responsibility of a minor they don’t know, would be happy about it. That much I can understand and to be actually sincere, her beauty is confusing my feelings towards her.</p><p> </p><p>“That’s a nice question I don’t know how to answer to”. She whispers and she looks at the watch again. She is in a hurry. The thought that I should try and see if she leaves without me, crosses my mind. She probably would, but then I would have to find a place where to stay and I for sure know I couldn’t go asking help from my cousin in that case. I hear her mumbling something I don’t understand. “Well, I am going to search for her elsewhere. Thank you for your help”. For how much I want for her to leave me alone… I know that staying here in the rain until someone comes to the rescue or I die of pneumonia is not the answer. The game is over. I take my hat off and I place it on my legs, trying to get her to identify me. </p><p> </p><p>“Elsa… it’s me”. I murmur, scratching my neck. She stares at me now, completely lost. I’m not sure she’s got it or that she believes it. “It’s me, Anna. Why do you think I would sit here in the rain? I can’t go back inside…”. I confirm, pointing at the door behind my back and she looks at me as if I’m definitely kidding her. I hope she won’t force me to show her my identity card. It would be embarrassing. She stays silent for a long moment, then she nods. She rubs her eyes under the glasses again. </p><p> </p><p>“Anna… I should have figured”. She growls, crossing her arms against her waist. I can swear I see her sniffle, but it can easily be just my imagination. “Forgive me, I… don’t feel like myself, today. I should have known better. I’m… I’m happy to see you. Glad to know your sense of humour outlives the worst of circumstances''. She says, dead serious and unimpressed and I catch in her voice a small, albeit super sheer, attempt to be sarcastic.</p><p> </p><p>“What are you doing here Elsa?”. I insist on asking. I know the official reason for her presence today, but what I ask myself is… why? Why did she come? What does she care? Especially after she’s been ghosting me for fifteen years, after our parents divorced. I wouldn’t have come. I would have left me alone. Why did she come in person to pick up the unwanted package anyway, when she could have sent someone else? I can just try to guess, but I think Rapunzel forced her to. She found the time to convince Elsa to come, but not to do so herself. Nice. Thanks Rapunzel. </p><p> </p><p>“You might not believe that, but she was my mother too somehow. I cared for her”. She half-heartedly admonishes and she is right: I don’t believe her. She grips the handle of the umbrella. “And I’m also here for you. I came to get you. I thought Rapunzel told you I was going to pass by”. She clears her voice again and turns to look at the road. “I’m taking you home with me”. And this phrase, I have to admit, surprises me. The tone she uses makes it seem like she cares. If I hadn’t known her purpose I would have thought she came to pay her respects and disappear again. But she’s here to cry for our mother and… She keeps on looking at me and, without me noticing, my eyes fill with tears. I gulp and I rub my still burning eyes. She doesn’t move an inch. “I know this might sound insensitive, but Rapunzel is waiting for us at four and our flight is at eight. If you want to say goodbye to her, we should get going now”. She says. “The funeral is over. There’s no reason to stay here”. She’s right. I know. It surprises me that she wants to let me meet my cousin one last time. I think she realizes I won’t see her soon. </p><p> </p><p>“I don’t want to come to Norway”. I mumble and I retreat an inch on the step I'm sitting on. My words hurt her, but I have no intention to be sorry about it. “My family is here. I don’t want to go. There must be another way to set things”. Her face is inexpressive and pale. I can’t read any emotion in her. Mainly because of her glasses. Her eyes are still completely hidden. </p><p> </p><p>“Anna… you know this is not my choice. It’s no one’s choice but the judge’s”. She defends, gently. “Don’t make this more difficult than it already is. You might not consider me as family… You have your reasons. But for the law, we are sisters and we shall act like it”. She murmurs in a tone I can only define as pleading. “I promise you it will be alright”. She says, making me stand. “Now we have to go… it’s getting late and you’ll get pneumonia sitting there like that”. She explains and I puff. I decide to cut it off at least until we're at Rapunzel's. I follow her without a word.</p><p> </p><p>She precedes me out of the alley, walking quietly. A last glance at the house and I’m after her, under her umbrella, while she shows me the way to the car I think she rented. I get in the car, but she hesitates for a second, looking in my direction, before getting behind the wheel. She’s uncomfortable… Well, breaking news: we both are. </p><p> </p><p>The trip is slow, extenuating and boring. Elsa doesn’t speak, doesn’t move. She may look like a person but she acts like a stuffed animal and I… I feel uncomfortable sitting in the car in general. I sometimes get flashes of what happened and I have to close my eyes. Her gaze is fixed on the road and she doesn’t turn to look at me, not even by mistake. Maybe it’s better like that. She spares me from the pain of talking. I lean to turn on the radio. Music distracts me from my thoughts and from Elsa. I sigh and turn to look outside the window at the rainy landscape. </p><p> </p><p>Rain follows us all the way, to Corona. A long and mournful march. The car finally crosses a familiar road and stops with the screeching of the wheels in front of the porch of a big house. This is Rapunzel’s house. It was probably her who guided us here. Elsa wouldn’t have known how to find it otherwise. Elsa looks at the door then looks at me. I don’t know what she wants from me. I clench my sweaty hands together, waiting. </p><p> </p><p>“Go”. She suggests, gently, pointing at the porch with her index. “Rapunzel is waiting for you”. I’m confused. Isn’t she coming? “We’re wasting time, Anna”. She insists as minutes pass. I stare at her. I can’t believe she won’t say goodbye to Rapunzel. Finally I understand she’s not joking and I get out of the car, under the rain. I walk to the door and knock, before turning to look at her. She’s still sitting in the car, looking away, pensive, with her damned glasses still on. While I look at her, the door behind me opens and I feel someone pulling me into a hug. Before I can understand what’s happening, Rapunzel guides me inside. </p><p> </p><p>“Anna… I’m so sorry I couldn't come. Really really sorry. I had an appointment I couldn't reschedule. How are you?”. She asks tenderly, holding my face, kissing my cheeks and hugging me. These excuses don't pay for the fact that she hasn't seen her aunt's funeral. Do they? But I don't want to fight now that I'm leaving and I could possibly not see her anymore. I don’t want to part on bad terms. We stay still, holding each other for at least five minutes, in front of the closed door. This makes me feel self-conscious. Rapunzel rubs my back and holds me tight. My knees tremble as I start feeling emotional again. “It’s ok, Annie… It’s ok”. She murmurs to my ear. </p><p> </p><p>“It’s not ok”. I mumble, sobbing. My eyes fill with tears one more time. “Nothing’s ok. I don’t want to go to Norway, Punz. I’m begging you. Don’t let her take me away. I’ll be good. I promise”. I beg. I won't stop begging and now I know why I’m doing it. Not because I want to stay with Rapunzel per se: I would accept to stay anywhere at this point if it’s in this country. I beg because I'm scared of what will happen to me If I go. I don’t know that woman! She could kill me and throw me under a bridge for all I know! And I think Rapunzel senses this. My tension and my fear. A big tear falls on my cheek and my hands start trembling uncontrollably. Rapunzel grimaces and looks around herself, before guiding me to the kitchen and helping me sit. Maybe she’s scared I’ll faint. She offers me water and tissues. I want neither. I want...</p><p> </p><p>“Listen Anna, dear…”. The blonde begins saying, kneeling in front of me. I try to look elsewhere, but she prevents it. “No, listen". She insists. "I negotiated an agreement with Elsa. From a legal point of view, it’s necessary that you go with her for now”. I groan and she pats my leg, reassuringly. “But she made a promise to me: when you’ll be eighteen she’ll let you come back, ok? She won't force you to stay there if you don't want to. Consider these three months as a deserved holiday”. My heart is still refusing to accept it, but she looks at me hopefully and in the end my head has to surrender. What else is left for me to do? She reciprocates with a big smile. “Good girl. Do you want a slice of cake? You seem like one who needs cake”. How come she has all of these cakes in those fancy boxes lately?</p><p> </p><p>"I don't know... I don't feel like eating." I mumble and she scoffs like she didn't imagine I would ever say something like that. I think she doesn't believe it, because she stands up, ignoring my answer and she opens the refrigerator. She pulls out a paper box from the shelf and places it in front of me with a fork. When she opens the package I find out that there's a cake inside. It really looks delicious and in some other situation I’m sure I would have not felt so turned off by the idea of eating it. But as she pushes it in my direction, I feel nauseated. I turn away from the plate. I can't even stand to look at it.</p><p> </p><p>"Come on, eat it. It's chocolate. I know you're crazy for it. Elsa too...". Rapunzel tries and then she notices the missing piece. She frowns. "Where is she?". She asks and I point at the door. I don't have the strength to explain to her that Elsa didn't want to get out of the car. Rapunzel turns and brushes her hair back with her hands. She looks exhausted too. "I swear you two will drive me crazy." I can swear I hear her say as she walks her way to the door. She opens it and looks outside, before disappearing further and leaving it ajar. I wait a few minutes, staring uncomfortably at the ceiling, but then the idea of being here alone with the cake, and the need to know what they are talking about, convinces me to get up from the chair and reach for the entrance. I peek outside, trying not to get caught.</p><p> </p><p>I see Rapunzel stride over to the car, clearly exasperated and then she knocks on the window. This attracts the attention of Elsa who had been looking at her own hands the whole time. The woman looks up at Rapunzel out of curiosity and my cousin gently asks her to come out. Elsa doesn’t seem convinced, but Rapunzel insists. There is no way to say no to her. So Elsa has to obey and get out of her car, standing in front of Rapunzel. Their height difference is huge. Elsa is tall and Rapunzel is so small in comparison… They start talking and if I concentrate enough, I think I can also hear what they are saying.</p><p> </p><p>Rapunzel is worried. I can see it from her eyes and from the way she's biting her lips. She's asking Elsa how she is but the blonde is not interested in hearing nor answering any questions. She just looks at her own feet and nods occasionally, when spurred, totally uninterested. But that's a mistake. Rapunzel doesn't like to be ignored. She looks offended and the thing she does to get Elsa’s attention, attracts mine too. Rapunzel scoffs, she pulls Elsa's face to her and takes off her glasses. Elsa doesn’t have the time to stop her. I immediately feel a painful pang of nervousness, mixed with terror. I feel sick from the unexpected surprise and then... <em> Oh my god. </em> I am electrocuted on the spot. I can’t even breathe. An electric shock runs down my back painfully. </p><p> </p><p>Finally I can see Elsa’s whole face. I was waiting for this moment to happen. I was curious to know if she’s really as beautiful as she seems to be or if she’s hiding something under those glasses. And, well… she damn is! Her face is reddened and swollen, but what strikes me are her eyes. Elsa has the biggest and most penetrating sky blue colored eyes that can exist on the face of earth. I have never seen anything like this. The fact that her face is drowned in red from all the cold and the emotion and the fact that her pupils are retracted due to the strong light from outside makes them appear even larger, magnetic and astounding. <em> Oh my God! They are so blue! </em> And they just fall perfectly in place with the rest of her face, filling the puzzle I was desperately trying to compose. <em> Damn… this woman is gorgeous! </em></p><p> </p><p>I swallow. I feel my mouth becoming dry and pasty and I bite my lips. I don't think Rapunzel wanted to do it on purpose, but now I would like to run. My heart starts beating so fast in my chest it hurts. <em> Damn… that’s Elsa? How… can it be? </em> Elsa had not yet taken off her glasses before and for me, this is definitely a surprise. I am stuck with my mouth open staring at Elsa, like an idiot, unable to move and not knowing what to do. If I thought Elsa was gorgeous before, now… I think I’m sold for. She’s the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen. And then she looks at me with the back of her eye and my breath dies. <em> She’s looking at me! </em> I flare. I feel embarrassed, as if I am intruding on a private moment, so I look away and go back to sit in my place.</p><p> </p><p>And as I sit on that damn chair I realise I’ve been an asshole. It was obvious Elsa had been crying. Stupid me for not understanding it immediately. Why didn't I get it sooner? Maybe it's because it didn't match much the idea I have of Elsa. She's not the person I remembered. The Elsa I remember would have never cried. She didn’t cry when papa took her away, so I thought she had been happy about it. Maybe she’s changed. Or I guess death just also has this effect on ice people like her. Even my cold sister can suffer. What about me? How do I feel? I rest my head on the table. I want to go home. I don’t want to be here. I don’t want for mum to be dead.</p><p> </p><p>The conversation lasts long. Then Rapunzel comes back inside, white as a corpse and with the look of one who has just been drained of all her lifeblood. She looks at me and doesn't even try to smile. She knows it would be inappropriate. She stays in silence and I understand that our time is over. I swallow and I feel my legs pull me up against my will. I walk over to her and hug her. She reciprocates strongly.</p><p> </p><p>"Be good with her Anna, okay?". She asks and kisses my forehead. "It's only three months and you will come back here. Elsa loves you. She would do everything for you. Don't make her life impossible. I know you would." I grimace and hold back the tears. The only thing that comforts me is that her eyes are also tearful. She sniffs. "Come on now. Go." She says and accompanies me to the door. "Will you go say goodbye to my mother?". She asks and I shrug. A long moment of silence follows, then I get out. Only three months, she says. That’s a lifetime. Her words reassure me in some way anyway. I can make it.</p><p> </p><p>Without further tears, I reach the car. Elsa has her glasses back on her eyes and looks more glacial than ever. I get inside the car and avoid looking at Rapunzel, who’s watching us from the door. She waves with her hand and I wave back timidly. The car leaves the driveway and goes back to the street. Here the journey of mercy begins again. I reach out and turn on the radio once again, but unexpectedly I feel Elsa's hand on mine. I jolt in surprise. My heart has a seizure. I feel her cold fingers cross over mine with kindness. This is unexpected. I am surprised to feel that it trembles. I look at her, but she is too focused on the road to pay me any attention. Our hands move on the gearbox, to allow her to change gear. She sighs and won't let me go. For the first time in this whole week of horror, I feel comforted. I close my eyes and say nothing. I hope all this passes as quickly as in a dream.</p><p> </p><p>Ironically, I can't sleep. I can't close my eyes even though I feel totally exhausted. Elsa strokes the palm of my hand with her thumb. Rapunzel probably asked her to be softer around me. It seems a calculated gesture rather than one dictated by the heart, but I'm happy about it anyway. I don't remember Elsa ever doing anything nice to or for me when we were kids. Not even if she was spurred about it. She was always so cold... So distant. So cute… I bite my lips, thinking about the huge crush I had over her when I was a child. How stupid of me. She seems to have changed in a way though and now… I feel my eyes veil with tears, but I don't say anything. I don’t want to look stupid, so I pretend nothing is happening. I didn’t know I had missed her this much.</p><p> </p><p>She lets go of my hand for the first time, only when we arrive at the airport. She motions for me to get out of the car and reach the entrance of the building. Then she disappears with the car and I feel worried. Had I been with anyone else, I would have understood. But I'm with her, and I'm really afraid she will abandon me here. I swallow and head for the sliding doors of the airport alone. I enter and sit patiently on one of the waiting chairs at the entrance. I feel my heart pound in my throat. I'm so afraid that she will leave without me. And then suddenly I see her. She crosses the front door with a bag under her arm, notices me and gestures for me to follow her with a hand wave. She doesn't speak. It's as if she’s gone mute. She treats me like I'm a dog. I don't know how to behave around her and in the absence of other options I follow her.</p><p> </p><p>We do all the check ins and check outs. I let the police search me like I’m a thief for ten minutes, before I can follow Elsa outside the security point, but finally I sit on one of the waiting chairs again. Same feeling in a different spot. I feel exhausted. Elsa instead looks fresh like a rose, with her sunglasses on. She presses her head against the wall and stops moving. I get to the point of believing that she's sleeping, when suddenly I see her take off her glasses again. My tachycardia applauds. To my confusion she turns to look at me, her huge blue eyes on me. Now she does look tired. Up close I can see her eyes are bloodshot. I feel sorry for her.</p><p> </p><p>"Are you hungry?". She asks and her tone is impressively gentle and comprehensive. I shake my head. I wouldn't have the strength to eat even if I wanted to. "Are you sure? What about something to drink?". I say no again. She looks at me sadly. I don't think she does it on purpose. "What do you need?". To go home. I shake my head and I see her get up to her feet. I find out why she's asking me all these questions, only when she disappears and returns with a paper bag in one hand. She places it on the little table between us, with her glasses back on, before sitting down. She opens the bag and hands me a bottle of water. I try to refuse, but she insists, so I gulp two sips down. She seems satisfied. Then someone calls her on her phone. I see her get up to answer in the exact moment the speakers call for our flight. She talks as if she doesn’t care and when she’s done, we don’t even try to stand in line behind the others. She just shows a card to the hostess who nods and lets us get on board. I can't believe I'm really going to do it. Only three months, Anna, and it will all be over.</p><p> </p><p>I take a seat next to Elsa on the plane. She chooses the seat by the window and I find myself stuck between her and a man with a huge mustache. Elsa pulls a newspaper out of her handbag and starts reading it, while I don't really know what to occupy my time with. I heard it will be a long flight. More than eight hours. A voice on the intercom warns us in English that we are about to leave and immediately after, the warning is followed by a series of incomprehensible sentences, which I can only imagine being in Norwegian. This reminds me of a problem.</p><p> </p><p>"Elsa?". I ask and she raises her head in surprise, as if she didn't expect to be called and then she turns to me. She puts the newspaper down and waits for me to talk. I didn’t expect such disponibility. "Do you think I'll have to learn Norwegian?". I ask and her eyebrows snap up, then they frown in a confused and worried grimace. I think she notices the panic in my voice. "I don't remember a word. I won't know how to communicate…". I mumble. Elsa swallows heavily. Her eyes fix on the back of the seat in front of her, as if the answer is hidden in the skin of the sofa. I think this was an aspect she didn’t consider. </p><p> </p><p>"We... will find a solution”. She breathes reassuringly. “Continue doing as you always have and I am sure everything will be fine." She says and her voice is calm and gentle, while her hands reach out to fasten my belt. After this task and her answer, she goes back to reading her newspaper and I feel left alone once again. The only thing that distracts me is dinner at nine: a slice of pizza that Elsa doesn't even look at. She seems disgusted by it and I don't feel in the mood either, so I push it away, nauseated.</p><p> </p><p>After the dinner that neither of us eat, I start feeling the stress and lack of sleep of the past few days taking charge. I feel tired. The adrenaline has reached its breaking point and all the restlessness has vanished and I realize that my eyes are struggling to stay open. I fight hard to stay awake, while Elsa looks more alerted than ever. She stares out the window and doesn't mind me. Oh, I would love for her to talk to me so I can stay awake, but she doesn’t. I try to distract myself in some other way but eventually sleep gets the better of me and I lose consciousness in the most unpredicted way of all.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>Suddenly I feel something hit my shoulder gently. I turn my head around and I find that the weight I feel is Anna's head. Is she not feeling ok? I lean to look directly at her face and I learn that she's actually just sleeping. She breathes heavily, her mouth a little agape and she doesn't move. Oh… <em> Oh! </em>She's sleeping. It must be really uncomfortable to sleep in such a position, so I slightly widen her belt and allow her to rest her head on my legs. She doesn't object. On the contrary: she gets comfortable and hugs my legs with her arms. I reach to touch her head but I hesitate. Should I? She’s fast asleep, she won’t even notice. So I dare take off my glove and brush her hair back from her forehead with my index finger. Her hair is so soft… like a baby’s… I immediately take back my hand. I feel guilty now. I shouldn’t have touched her. What if this makes her angry? I turn to look for a stewardess, using my hand in a more dignified way, hoping to be able to fix a blanket for her. Instead, I find that the man sitting next to Anna is staring at me. He is strangely insistent.</p><p> </p><p>"She fell asleep?". The man murmurs smiling gently. I stiffen. I don't understand what he might want, but I don’t like it. Creepy strangers always cause me anxiety. I nod weakly and I finally manage to attract the attention of one of the women in uniform. I kindly ask for a blanket and the woman disappears without a word. "She must be tired." The man insists and I feel a cold chill cross my back. I should have booked those private jet tickets. It would have been just me and Anna and now I wouldn't have this problem.</p><p> </p><p>"I guess so." I icily murmur in response, while Anna, in her sleep, squeezes the hem of my skirt and mutters something. The hostess comes back quickly with a blanket. I hurry and cover Anna up, hoping she won't feel cold. "I think it was a busy day for her. Better let her sleep." I add, hoping the man will understand that I’m not in the mood to talk and he’ll leave us alone. Fortunately for me, he smiles at me, nods and turns away. I sigh in relief and concentrate on Anna. Today's funeral must have exhausted her. I can understand it. This whole situation puts me in distress too. I booked a night flight in the hope of sleeping before being home but apparently she got there before me.</p><p> </p><p>I quickly learn that I like to stare at her as she naps. She’s a curious creature. She's a heavy sleeper for starters, and that's good because I wouldn't be able to return her gaze if she were awake. Not after what has happened in the past and not after what I'm forcing her to endure now. She's changed from what I remembered her being. She's grown. Her hair is long now, soft as silk. Her red copper bangs fall on her closed eyes and her lips are bright red. She's become a woman. Out of the corner of my eye I notice that the man glances at us from time to time. I can feel his eyes penetrating the flesh. I would love to know what he wants. I feel Anna moaning in her sleep and sighing.</p><p> </p><p>The flight is long, maddening. I can't sleep a wink, thanks to the creepy man but I can't even read. My eyes are burning, but it’s not only that. I don’t want to lose Anna from sight. So I remain motionless staring out into the dark outside the porthole and at three in the morning a voice warns us that the flight is about to land.<em> Thank you… I’m feeling devastated. </em> I close my eyes and thank heavens for at least five minutes. Finally home. When the plane lands and I see people starting to get ready to get off, I decide that the time has come to wake Anna up. I shake her by the shoulder a couple of times and she finally manages to open one eye.</p><p> </p><p>She grunts and looks at me, but I understand that she doesn't really see me only when she mumbles something and goes back to sleep as if nothing has happened. I sigh and realize that this will be more difficult than expected. I shake her again and she hums. She opens her eyes, but once again she seems not to be fully aware of herself. She sits up and rubs her face like a sleepwalker. I hold back a laugh this time when I see her sit with her eyes closed. She's such a comical character that even in this situation I cannot help but smile faintly. In the meanwhile, the plane is emptying. Even the man who sat next to us has disappeared, to my great pleasure.</p><p> </p><p>"Anna, we're here. We must go." I suggest and my tone of voice is more amused than austere. I hear her muttering and grunting with her eyes closed. "Come on...". I insist, gently and give her a little push on the arm. She sighs and stands up, giving me the chance to retrieve our things from the compartment on our heads. She stands with her eyes closed. I have no idea how she does it. I place my hands on her shoulders and I guide her forward. Her steps are uncertain and staggering, but in the end we manage to get off the plane unharmed. I fix my coat on her shoulders and I cover her, lest she gets cold. After a short trip by shuttle, we cross the airport doors and find ourselves in a large hall crowded with people.</p><p> </p><p>I look around and at the end of the big hall I see a familiar face. Olaf, a thin tall man with shaggy black hair, is waiting for us in front of the exit and as he sees us he raises his hand waving at me and smiling. I grimace. I specifically asked Marshall to come get us. How come Olaf, of all people, is here? I push Anna in his direction, without her realizing anything. Olaf welcomes us, then looks at the redhead and gives me a strange look. As if he wants to ask me if she's sick. It would be difficult to explain to him that she's sleeping, so I shake my head and let him help me drag her out, in total silence. Once in the car, Anna collapses against the back seat and picks up where she left off, snoring lightly. She has her cheek pressed on the window's glass, her mouth is slightly agape and she's salivating. I sit next to her, while Olaf arranges my bag in the trunk and takes his place on the driver's seat.</p><p> </p><p>"How did the flight go?" He asks looking at the road. I don’t want to talk to him and he knows. I shrug and rest my head on the window on my side, exhausted. He seems to understand and smiles. "You can't wait to have a good night's sleep, huh?". He jokes and I sigh. Oh yes, I'd like to, but he knows that I will have a business meeting tomorrow morning and if I want to be ready I'll have to check the documents, so I won't have time to sleep tonight. "Do you want me to ask Marshall to postpone tomorrow's appointment?" I'm about to shake my head, but before I can do it, he adds. "I think it would be better if you are there when she wakes up. To help her settle in." I know he is referring to Anna and, thinking about it, given her opposition to come here, perhaps it is not an unhealthy idea. Leaving her alone could be worse, but I remember I don't have time for these games. I have a company to manage.</p><p> </p><p>"She'll be ok. Don’t worry about her and start driving. This is your job. Not questioning my decisions." I say and even without seeing Olaf, I know that a grimace of disapproval has been painted on his face. He signed for this and I don’t want to hear a word from him. He starts the engine and I sigh in relief. Another fight has been avoided successfully. It crosses me that he wants to put his nose in my private life. I don’t like that he suggests so casually how I should take care of Anna. What does he expect me to do anyways? I don’t want to force my presence on Anna, since she seems so against me. I understand it from the way she looks at my general direction. She will be better alone, at least until she warms up to me.</p><p> </p><p>"So what's the plan?" Olaf asks and I wonder if I should share my schedule with him. I thought I had already decided everything with Marshall, but he is not here, so… I look at him from the rear mirror and he sighs. He knows I don’t want him here. “Come on, Elsa… trust me. I’m here to help you. I know you must be surprised, but Marshall had a setback. His car broke and I was free. I still am your driver after all…”. I don’t believe him, but now I’m in his car and I have no other option. Does he think now I have Anna in front of me, something has changed between me and him? That she will be some kind of rage softener? He knows nothing about it. If anything, something has gotten worse. I sigh.</p><p> </p><p>"Fine. I need to go back home to get my car… and make sure Anna is okay before I go to the office." Olaf gives me a big smile and glances at me from the rear view mirror. I don't trust him. I tap with my fingers on his car’s seat, thinking, while he drives out of the parking lot. What is he planning? Why is he here? Is he trying to get to know Anna? What does he care? No. He’s here for me. That’s not difficult to imagine. He is here because he thinks that helping me with Anna will help his cause. I bite my lips. Bold of him to think I’ll let him get close to her. He doesn't know Anna and If I succeed he never will. </p><p> </p><p>“So… she’s you sister, uh? She doesn’t look like you”. He says, trying to start a conversation. I scoff. He doesn't know much of my problem with her either, luckily. “Well… that doesn’t matter, does it? She will be a good company for you”. And from this I understand he wants to get us to get along. For what reason? This only he knows, but I think I get an idea when I hear him grumble: “Treat her well, Els. She's your family”. Ah… I get it now… He is having guilty thoughts. I look outside the window. Family, huh? Can a complete stranger be called a family? What does he know anyway? He is no expert in bringing people together, better at forcing them apart. </p><p> </p><p>"She will soon return to her country, don't get attached”. I breathe, warning him and in response he makes a disappointed face. Yeah, Olaf… Don’t get attached to whatever you are arboring in that sneaky little mind of yours. He has the habit of messing with the people I care for the most and I don’t want him to take an interest in Anna. She has already a sad backstory, no need to add to that. An embarrassed and heavy silence falls between us. “Drive, Olaf”. I command and I warn him with my eyes. No more chatting for him. He pouts.</p><p> </p><p>We drive for half an hour until we reach the countryside. The car drives across a long lane that ends in front of the entrance of a big old house, surrounded by an enormous garden with a well-kept English lawn. It's been renewed recently so the house appears newer than it actually is. It's the remnant of the ancient possessions of the Snow family, my father's, in Norway. Compared to what the family used to own, this is a small vacation home. I prefer to stay here, in the peace of the countryside rather than in that shabby apartment in Oslo. Olaf parks right in front of the porch. It's still dark and Anna is sleeping heavily now. I think me and Olaf both mutually agree on the idea of not waking her up. </p><p> </p><p>"Go, home. Your job is done”. I say to Olaf while I get out of the car but I see him doing the same, to my utmost surprise. Before I can stop him, he runs around the car, opens the backdoor across from mine and starts to lift Anna. I throw a glance at him and as he even dares to touch her I reach out and slap away his hand, stopping him, immediately and menacingly. We look at each other directly in the eyes for minutes on either side of the backseat. He won’t set a finger on her. “Leave it and leave". I say and, despite the surprise, Olaf doesn't make any fuss. He closes the door on his side and goes towards the house, probably to make sure Anna's room has been prepared, not listening to a word I said. </p><p> </p><p>I stretch my arms and wrap Anna's hands around my neck before lifting her off. The countless hours moving heavy boxes of documents still didn't prepare me for her weight. I am sure that Olaf would have lifted her as if she weighed nothing, but me, I don't think I'm fit for this. I hold her bridestile on my arms: one under her legs and one around her shoulders, and I find it hard to stay in balance. I put one step after another and I finally succeeded in entering the house. The light is dim, but I know these environments too well to lose myself. Anna gets comfortable, holding me by the shoulders and alleviating my suffering. Now that she's lighter I dare go up the stairs. On the first floor all the lights are on and the door to Anna's room is opened. Olaf is standing there and I feel my blood start to boil. </p><p> </p><p>“What did I say about leaving, Olaf?”. I ask, but he stands there waiting for me. </p><p> </p><p>“But I want to stay. Is there something l can help you with?”. He asks, but I shake my head. I am too tired and busy now to listen to whatever lie he has prepared for me. I reach out and look inside Anna’s room and I have to admit that I don't like how Gerda, my housekeeper, decorated this room. I sigh. They fixed it as if they were expecting a baby. I'm not sure, but I think Anna would hate it and this would only make it more difficult for me. Would she accept to sleep into a room like this, since she's so crossed already to have been forced to get here? She would think I'm mocking her. “Please Elsa… give me a chance”. Olaf inists and I look at him. It’s four in the morning! I don’t want to listen to him right now! Luckily Gerda appears from the stairs, saving me. I reach out for her.</p><p> </p><p>"Gerda… I’m glad you are here”. I breathe and the woman nods in my direction, acknowledging me. “You know what?". I ask, squeezing Anna into my arms. I am starting to feel pained by the effort of holding her. My breath is getting laboured and I’m starting to sweat. "I think I would prefer it if Anna slept in the room next to the study." I say panting, balancing our weight from one foot to another. Both Gerda and Olaf look at me, confused, but the woman nods and immediately disappears. Olaf, instead stands there like an idiot. "You want to get yourself useful Olaf? Help Gerda and make it quick, then get out of my house!". I say, walking down the corridor as best and as fast as I can.</p><p> </p><p>"But that's your room! Are you sure you want me in there?" Olaf intercepts, following me as if he doesn't believe what I'm asking of him. I don't think it's that impossible of a request. I turn to him in a commanding stance. I don't have time to play with him now. If I don't lay Anna on something immediately, I'm going to drop her. I can’t stand here forever! My arms are reaching their limits!</p><p> </p><p>"If you want to help that’s the only option. I don’t want you in this house for any other reason than work." I order and Olaf sighs, and seeing no other way he nods, disappearing down the corridor. I reach my study, I push the door with my shoulders and the lights turn on automatically. The furniture is modern, except for the sofa my father loved and the bookcase. I did change the rest of the furniture when my father died. I couldn't stand to look at it anymore. Too many painful memories. </p><p> </p><p>I rest Anna on the famous black leather sofa in the corner and I cover her with my coat. It's really cold tonight and the heaters are broken, but I’m not worried about it. The room isn't very big. It won't take long for it to warm up anyway if we both are in it. I leave the door ajar, hoping that Olaf will warn me as soon as the room is ready. I sit at my desk and turn on the computer. I wait for the documents to update. I have neither time nor desire to recover the computer I have worked on for the past two days since my suitcase is still in the car. I take off my sunglasses and put on my eyeglasses. I know I'm a mess, but I can't continue this farce. I have to work.</p><p> </p><p>I write on the computer calmly, while I see Olaf and Gerda pass by, with a pile of clean sheets in their arms. He looks at me pitifully as he passes by. Ha! That’s what you deserve! I hear them trafficking in the next room. I narrow my eyes and continue to work, when I suddenly hear a faint movement coming from the sofa. I see Anna pulling her head up in confusion. She looks at me, looks around and her face tightens. I chuckle. She’s so cute when she’s sleepy.</p><p> </p><p>“Did-did I fall asleep?”. Anna asks in confusion. Her voice is shrill and sleepy. Her eyes are still half closed. She keeps on checking the room. I think she's surprised to be here. She sits up. I let her do it, continuing to work on my documents. The poor thing must be exhausted. "Where are we?".</p><p> </p><p>"We are home." I say. She sighs and nods, unconvinced. "How are you feeling?". I ask and she doesn't answer. She swallows and looks around with melancholy rather than with curiosity. I’m so sorry for her, and if I knew there’s a solution for her sadness, I would surely help her. But there isn’t. "I'm having your room prepared. It won't take long". I keep on saying and she nods, lying down again, without a word. She looks at me working in silence. I feel her curious eyes on me and I… don’t mind it. She doesn’t try to correct me, or the way I work, like my father did. She just lies there and stares at me in silence, learning my every movement, and this intimate interaction I don’t mind. It makes me feel loved somehow. In my head it means that she’s trying to get used to my presence. So, from time to time I turn to her and I smile at her. She blushes at the beginning, averting her eyes, but slowly she starts opening up to me and at some point she even reciprocates timidly. Hm… this is unexpected. She doesn’t seem so against me like she suggests. After about ten minutes of us playing like this, Olaf appears at the door. Anna looks up from the arm of the sofa and I stiffen. </p><p> </p><p>"Everything is ready." He announces. “I imagine you want me out now, do you?”. He asks me and then he notices Anna. He smiles and stares at her with curiosity. “Oh, hey there…You’re awake”. He greets her, waving his hand, but Anna doesn't seem to show the same interest for him. She nods in his direction to let him know she saw him and then she gets back to her position looking at me. She crosses her eyebrows and points at him with her eyes. She’s clearing asking me: Who the hell is he?</p><p> </p><p>"Anna, this is Olaf, my… driver." I say, pointing at him. Anna nods as if she doesn’t believe it, but at the same time she seems reassured somehow. What was she expecting? Olaf doesn't seem happy to be called that, but there is no other option. He can’t aspire to be nothing more than that to me anymore. Anna seems to notice the tension between us; the way I never look at him, avoiding his presence entirely, but she doesn’t mention it and I don’t know what she’s thinking about it. A minute of embarrassed silence falls in the room.</p><p> </p><p>"Well…”. Olaf intercepts, clearing his throat to end this unpleasant situation. “Now that everything is at its place I will leave you two alone and go home”. I nod and my happiness is nearly showing. “Remember, Elsa: tomorrow's meeting is at eight. If you need me to come get you, just call me." Olaf says and I nod again, starting to lose my patience. I motion for him to go away. I've had enough of him. He waves again and then he closes the door and leaves us alone. Finally! Anna goes back to lie down without saying a word. </p><p> </p><p>"Oh, right”. I suddenly remember. I’m so tired my brain is slowly shutting down. “Your room is ready. Do you want me to take you there?”. I announce, starting to get up from my chair. She must need a good night of sleep. At least she can. I longingly think of my bed in which she’s going to sleep in. I would love to close my eyes too. But when I look up at her, Anna shakes her head.</p><p> </p><p>"I want to stay here." She replies and stops moving. My eyebrows snap up. Oh… that's surprising! Flattering but also a little unpleasant. I’m glad she trusts me enough she doesn’t want to leave me, but I lost ten minutes of my life after Olaf to get the room ready for her and now… she wants to stay here. “Please…”. She begs and seeing her face so pleading I sigh. I don't want to insist. I think it's better to give her some space. I keep on writing silently then, stretching my arms from time to time and rubbing my eyes. This time I really feel exhausted. That idiot man on the plane kept me awake while I should have slept. I shouldn’t feel so tired. My plan went south.</p><p> </p><p>Suddenly I hear a slight sigh and I realize that Anna has fallen asleep again. Poor girl. I shouldn't be so hard on her. I can imagine how she feels. I remember perfectly well when my father dragged me here. The cries… the yells… the fights. I tried to be strong for everyone, but I wanted to go home exactly as she wants to, now. But I couldn't and neither can she. I was a child, then, but still what I have felt must be nothing compared to what she's going through right now. Losing her mom, her friends, her house and even her family. Losing everything… At least I wasn't leaving with a complete stranger when I was taken here. I sigh and my eyes frown. What trouble did I get myself into?</p><p> </p><p>I stand up and step in front of her. I look at her trying to understand if she’s really asleep and when I’m sure, I exit the room and I go get a blanket. I cover Anna as best as I can before sitting back at the desk to start working again. I tap on the keyboard for a while and then my eyes start burning, so I pull out a remote control from the desk’s drawer and I turn off the lights, untie my hair, take off my shoes, get back to work.</p><p>
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<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thank you for reading my fiction. I hope this new chapters are of your liking. Let me know what you think of this one with a comment or a PM. I appreciate it.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
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  <b>CHAPTER 2 (Rewritten)</b>
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  <em> Blue eyes… they haunt my sleep. Beautiful big blue eyes following me and looking at me from every corner. They are curious, attentive. I should feel scared and instead… I like it. I feel reassured by them. Anna… they call and then from the shadows a figure steps out. She smiles at me and opens her arms. Anna… come here… </em>
</p><p> </p><p>I wake up with a jolt when I hear someone knock insistently on the door. My pulse is dancing a febrile samba in my ears. I’ve slept too little to be humanly acceptable. I am tachycardic, my head is full of cotton and my eyes are burning so much I can’t keep them open. I was feeling so awake yesterday and now I feel like dying. I should have expected that this would be the price I would pay at last. I check on the clock on the wall and I sigh. It’s seven thirty a.m. and I have slept, badly, for three hours. This damned sofa is as hard as a stone. Damn… I groan. I raise my head and I see that Elsa is sleeping slumped on the desk, with her glasses hanging from her nose. She snores weakly, with blonde hair scattered everywhere. She even has a drizzle of drool dripping from her lips. That’s how hard she is sleeping. My heart skips a leap. How can she be so gorgeous even when she’s so disheveled? In the meantime, someone outside shouts. I sit up and rub my face.</p><p> </p><p>"Elsa? Someone's here". I call her but she continues sleeping heavily, while the person, knocking outside, seems to be losing their patience. The sound is becoming insistent. "Who is it?". I ask exasperatedly, raising my voice and getting up on my feet to walk towards the door.</p><p> </p><p>"Olaf! It's Olaf. Are you presentable? Can I come in?". The manly voice replies from behind the door. Olaf... Oh, the guy from a few hours ago! I open the door and he looks at me, surprised. I don't know if he is more surprised by the fact that the door was open, or to see me. "Anna…". He starts with a confused glance and I immediately understand it's the latter. "I thought…". He turns to look somewhere I understand being the room I should have slept in. "I'm sorry. Is Elsa here? Is she ready?". He asks hurriedly and I turn to look at the woman sleeping on the desk like a stone.</p><p> </p><p>"I don't think so." I confess, grimacing. I let him check with his own eyes, opening the door the exact much needed for him to look inside the room. "Is she supposed to be asleep?". I ask and from the face he makes I understand that, no, she shouldn't. </p><p> </p><p>"That's not good". He rubs his eyes, exasperated. "May I?". He asks, politely, and I let him in. What other choice do I have? I just stare at him to be sure he has no ill intentions and with the back of my eyes I try to pinpoint all the possible weapons in the room. To be prepared to defend us in case of a possible attack. He goes directly to Elsa. He shakes her and tries to wake her up. He only gets a bunch of moaning in response. “Elsa, wake up. The meeting will be in half an hour." I hear him snap. Elsa lies still motionless and unconscious. "Elsa, don't force me to use the strong manners." He says and when the woman continues to ignore him, he moves the chair and as if she were weighing a feather, he lifts her on his shoulder and drags her out. This fucking scares me to death.</p><p> </p><p>"Hey!". I yell and I try to decide if I should attack him, follow him or call for help. He was faster in acting than predicted. "What are you doing with my sister? Put her down!". I yell with concern and I decide to follow him for the moment. He doesn't seem to have good intentions and I can't allow him to hurt her. At least not until I understand what she's going to do with me.</p><p> </p><p>“I have to get her ready. It's too late to cancel the meeting now. They are all already there. She's so stubborn! If she had listened...". He scoffs and throws her onto the perfectly made bed in the other room. The woman doesn't even blink,  but I feel my heart try to flee from my mouth. He is trying to kill her! He takes off her shoes, then starts to unbutton her shirt. I flare.</p><p> </p><p>"Hey! Hey! Stop it!". I intercept, and that's the final cue for me. I won't let him lay a hand on her, not until I figure out if they are close or not. From the angry glances she has thrown at him yesterday, I think she would be crossed if she knew what he is doing to her. I shove him away then, with both my hands and he looks at me in confusion. "What are you doing?! Don't touch her!". I hiss in horror and he puffs.</p><p> </p><p>"Don't worry, princess. There is nothing I haven't seen before." I look at him incredulously as he sits her down and starts taking off her suit jacket. Elsa looks like a puppet. She is barely breathing. "Come on, Els. Come on." He insists. "I know you haven't slept in two days, but we have to get you back on your feet." He says and starts unbuttoning her shirt when I decide I can’t stand the sight anymore and get definitively in the way.</p><p> </p><p>"I don't know what the heck of a relationship you two have, but this isn't decent. I won’t allow you to undress her! Stop it!" I insist, standing between them with my arms open to prevent him from getting close to her again. He scoffs and moves me to the side with a steady and at the same time gentle hand.</p><p> </p><p>“Forgive me, but I have to do my job. We are late. So if it disturbs you, get out." He says bluntly. I look at him and I look at Elsa, so vulnerable and lying on the bed as dead. Her blond hair scattered on the mattress, her lips barely open. She is so beautiful… and I don’t trust him to be alone with her. I swallow.</p><p> </p><p>"I'll handle that. You can go looking for something to put on her." I mutter and he, even if with some level of surprise, immediately stands back, to turn and look into the closet. Now it’s my problem. Damn… I shouldn’t have said a word. I reach out my hands and I feel them tremble nervously. I have known this woman for a day and I am already undressing her. If she wasn’t somewhat family I would be ashamed of myself. "Forgive me, Elsa." I say, I close my eyes to avoid seeing anything compromising and then start unbuttoning her shirt. Slowly, button to button. With some difficulty, blind eyed, I manage to pull her into a sitting position. I feel her warm cheek resting on my shoulder and I shiver. Her hot breath on my skin. I take off her shirt, holding her by her shoulders. </p><p> </p><p>“Babe… not now…”. She murmurs so quietly I think only I can hear her and I still and blush embarrassedly. What the… oh, my god… oh my god! What is she imagining right now? Who does she think I am? I feel her pushing against my cotton shirt, pull it up and her hands press against my stomach. I jolt in surprise. Her hands are so warm, so gentle and so soft, I suddenly feel a certain degree of nervousness pool down where it shouldn't. Oh my God! Stop it, pervert! She's your sister!</p><p> </p><p>“Elsa!”. I snap, keeping at bay my emotions as well as the thrill I’ve felt just now. It’s stronger than me. I grab her hands and hold them as far from me as possible, also trying to keep her still. “I’m not your babe… I’m your sister!”. I hiss, hoping Olaf doesn’t hear it. “Stop it…”. I order and she unexpectedly obeys, keeping her cheek on my shoulder. Olaf finally comes back suddenly and I feel compelled to hug and hold Elsa protectively to avoid him seeing something he shouldn’t. He scoffs and replaces the shirt promptly with a clean, but white one this time. At this point, surprisingly, Elsa begins to regain consciousness. Her enormous eyes start fluttering and then suddenly they are on me. My breath dies in my throat. As she looks up, I immediately let go of the button I am trying to fix. This is the exact moment I realise there must be something wrong with me. Should I enjoy the way she looks at me that much? Should I be so thrilled? "Sorry, I swear... I didn't want to. I’m not having fun here, not at all". I raise my hands in surrender, mortified for what I’m doing, but she doesn’t seem to notice. She sighs, looking first at me, then at Olaf, then sitting still and closing her shirt quickly, definitely blinding me from seeing her torso.</p><p> </p><p>"Am I late again?" She asks, with her voice like sandpaper, rubbing her face tiredly and confusedly, as if nothing is happening. Olaf nods and hands her the rest of the suit, which she listlessly wears. She gets up, takes off her skirt, keeping only her collant on, without the least modesty and leaves it on the floor, before getting inside the clean one. Everything in front of Olaf! He is lucky he decided not to look or I would have jumped him! “I need a bath and some quality sleep. I only closed my eyes for two hours this morning." She whispers half asleep again. It seems she can’t keep her eyes open. She wearily gets into the shoes Olaf has put in front of her.</p><p> </p><p>“We don't have time. The meeting will begin in ten minutes and then we will meet with the suppliers. You will get your bath when you’ll come back". Explains the guy, lifting her up again, because it’s clear that she wouldn't go fast enough on her own feet. "Pull yourself together and hope some coffee will keep you awake enough. You have no choice". I follow them outside with growing concern, watching them as they descend the stairs.</p><p> </p><p>"Wait!”. I yell from the top of the stairs and Olaf turns to look at me as if he had forgotten my presence. “Am I supposed to stay? What am I going to do here? I don’t even speak the language! I wouldn’t know how to ask for help if something happens?". I spread my arms, pointing at the obviousity of the problem. Olaf gives me a bewildered look. He swallows, looks at the door then at me again. I can’t stay alone. I feel this dreadful sensation in my guts that tells me if I stay here, I’ll cry all day. I still get flashes of what happened and I don’t want to have to deal with them by myself. I need to move and to distract myself; not to be closed in an empty house with my thoughts. Olaf seems to understand my panic at some point, because he sighs.</p><p> </p><p>"Come with us." He says in no uncertain terms. "I don't have the time to deal with you too. Come on, quickly. Let’s wait for Elsa to wake up to decide. I'll take you home later if needed". He says and after a moment of confusion, I run down the stairs to follow them outside. The car he came to pick us up with, is turned on in front of the porch and also appears to be new. It’s so shiny! He lays Elsa on the backseat beside me and I find out that she has fallen asleep again. The idea of the austere and ruthless woman I had made of her is starting to crack somehow. Might be her face sleeping quietly or the fact that she’s so tired she is starting to look human… I don’t know. I don’t mind it.</p><p> </p><p>I have fun looking at her while we drive out and off and I don’t mind either when we unexpectedly find ourselves stuck in traffic. I understand we apparently are in a hurry, but she seems so peaceful… she deserves a couple moments of rest. Olaf begins to curse and eventually honks a few times. And that ruins it. Elsa wakes up in fear of the sound and looks at us both. She rubs her face and takes five minutes to recover, but in the end, when she does, she finally seems to have come back to us definitely. She looks at me as if she doesn’t believe I’m in the car for real.</p><p> </p><p>"Anna…?”. She breathes with those surprised eyes of hers. She stares at me with a worried glance and then she turns to look at the boy who’s driving. “Olaf... what is Anna doing here? I never said she could come after". She asks in confusion, but Olaf doesn’t want to hear a word about it.</p><p> </p><p>"I had no choice but to take her". He replies, definitely exasperated. "If you had left orders about it with Marshall and if you had the decency to come to the office on your own this morning, instead of forcing me to come here and get you, things would have been different." He blames her and she rolls her eyes and snorts. She is not amused, at all. She closes her eyes, still uncapable of keeping them open and then forces herself to look at me. </p><p> </p><p>"Are you ok?". She breathes and I feel the apprehension in her voice. I don’t know what she’s referring to but, oh… I would have so much to say about it. I swallow. How could I be okay? I'm in a foreign country, in a car with two unknown people who seem crazy to me and I don't know what will become of me. I don’t have the time to answer that my own body betrays me. A tear crosses my cheek and I know my eyes must be red and glossy. This is so fucking embarrassing. But she doesn’t seem grossed out by my reaction. Nor from my quivering lips and neither for my jumping nerves that beg me to take distance. Elsa instead gives me a mortified look and bites her lips. It’s like her eyes are telling me: ‘I would like to comfort you but I don’t know how to hug you without being rejected’. And I feel so guilty about it. “I'm sorry, Anna. You’ll see, we will fix everything." She voices her incredibly obvious thoughts out so calmly but I see her hand trying to betray her as she reaches for me to hold mine. Then she must notice, so she stops immediately, retracting it and resting it on the sofa between us. Her eyes are starting to get shiny too. "I know you feel lost at the moment." She whispers, perhaps in the hope that Olaf won't hear her. "I know all of this must look horrible to you, but I’ll do my best to make you feel safe. Remember… You’ll be going home soon. No need to panic". She says with her trembling voice and I nod. This is my only comfort.</p><p> </p><p>"Thank you". She gives me a half smile and I feel like reciprocating. This woman doesn’t seem so bad, as a matter of fact. My heart knows it apparently, because it feels so happy and reassured around her. There is something in her that makes me feel… curious. The trip lasts a lot, but in the end we arrive in front of a huge building in the middle of the city. Olaf, takes a turn and enters an underground parking lot, where he stops. He is the first to get out of the car, followed by Elsa. I try to follow too, but Elsa prevents me from getting out by standing in front of the door. She smiles at me reassuringly and closes it with one hand.</p><p> </p><p>"Do you have your speech? We don’t want to repeat last month's accident, do we?". He asks and Elsa nods, pulling her hair back from her forehead. "Marshall is waiting for you. He must have the budget plans ready for you for sure, don't worry. I will ask him to get you a coffee and to cancel your commitments for the afternoon, if you need it". The blonde looks at him with hatred. </p><p> </p><p>“You are not my P.A. anymore Olaf. You drive and shut up and don’t you dare meddle in my affairs”. Her voice is so commanding it surprises me. I jolt up in fear. Maybe it’s the long lost memory of a trauma. Her stance is rigid. That… that is the Elsa I remember. The cold, anaffective, insensitive person of my memories. She looks like a rabid, feral and scary animal. She still has it in her, uh? How comes she’s not using it against me anymore? Olaf gulps and then nods. He seems scared too. Elsa turns to look at me. She bends over the glass and rests a hand on it, reassuringly. "Be good, I'll be back soon." She says and I'm undecided whether to panic because of the loss or feel offended. Then I decide for the second. I'm not a child. "Take her home and get her to eat something. Don’t even try to get close to her, you got me? If anything happens, I will repute you solely responsible." She says to Olaf and after one last glance in my direction, she disappears quickly into the building. Finally the man breathes a sigh of relief and leans with his shoulders against the car. He stays like this for a few minutes, then gets inside again and sits down. He looks at me from the rear view mirror.</p><p> </p><p>"So you're the famous Anna." He says calmly and then turns to look at me directly. We look at each other. My aquamarine eyes on his grey ones. After a second in silence he sighs. “I heard you lost you mom… I’m sorry for that. My condolences”. He starts and I nod acknowledging his effort. “How do you feel? Do you wanna talk about it?”. He asks but I shake my head in response. I wouldn’t want to share these private matters with a total stranger… and also, after what I’ve seen this morning I have to admit I don’t completely trust him. “Well… at least you seem to have taken it better than Elsa. She’s been crying all week about it”. He murmurs as if he’s talking to himself and I genuinely can’t imagine that. Has she? The image of Elsa I have in my head prevents me from doing it. If that was true, well…  </p><p> </p><p>“You can’t really think I’ll believe that”. I intercept without thinking and he looks at me in confusion. Before mum’s death I thought she had forgotten about us and I genuinely doubt that, before all this, she even remembered having a sister… or a mother by the way. I haven’t heard from her for years. Not a word. How am I supposed to believe she was shaken by mum’s death to that point? I mean, I saw that she has taken the news badly, but believing that she’s been crying all week for it… seems excessive to me. She’s not really part of the family anyway, is she? I don’t really know how to read her presence in the equation. Mind me, I love her, but I have some difficulties in seeing her as a sister at this point.</p><p> </p><p>“Why not?”. He asks and I shrug, keeping my thoughts private and remaining silent. He doesn’t seem happy about it. "Elsa often talks about you and your mother. But mostly about you." I find it unlikely as the rest. "I'm serious." He insists. “She’s been receiving a lot of letters from your mother lately. She knows everything about you. She’s very proud of what you’ve become apparently. She doesn’t talk about it much, but she is… you’re the only family she’s left after all, after your father died...”. When he realizes I'm ignoring him, he snorts. “How come you’re being so distant, Anna?”. He finally asks and I sigh. </p><p> </p><p>“You are a stranger prying into my personal life. How else do you think I should react?”. I begin with a start and he seems taken aback by my bluntness. “And also Elsa doesn’t seem to like you, so just don’t, okay? I don’t trust you”. I insist, being as clear as I can. “If you want my opinion on all of this I’ll give it to you: just let’s not pretend me and Elsa are family all of a sudden, shall we? She’s my sister, yes, but only on paper and even if I considered our bond more, I’ll stay here only for a couple of months. That’s what the law asked of us, and then we won’t see each other ever again. No big deal… no need to get acquainted”. I say and he grimaces unhappy. “So, please… please. Stop. I have the feeling you want to make me pledge her cause here and I don’t like it. She is no victim and neither am I. Leave me alone”.   </p><p> </p><p>"Listen, Elsa adores you, okay? What I’m asking of you is, if you don’t want to recognize her efforts, at least don't make her life impossible, while you’re here. She already has it pretty rough. Just this." I still don't answer and I look down. First Rapunzel, now Olaf. Who knows why they all tell me the same thing. Elsa is a good girl… Elsa loves you… but where has she been until now? I’ve never seen her face since after our parents divorced. All of these comments just make me feel bad about it and even more enraged. He must see my face and understand what’s going on in my head. "All right. You’re not in the mood to talk. I get it. Let's not be grumpy about it, jeesh… you and Elsa have a way of telling people off… sisters indeed". He says and raises his hands in surrender, before turning around and placing them on the steering wheel. I grimace. If only he knew… “I have been ordered to take you home, feed you and make sure you’re okay. So fasten your seat belt. We got things to do". He orders me and I obey. I see him pull a cell phone out of his pocket, quickly compose a message and then start the engine. That reminds me I have one, hiding somewhere and that I should turn it up.</p><p> </p><p>The return journey is long and tedious compared to the outward one. It takes almost half an hour. Olaf is keen to stop by a bar, called kaffebrennesomething, to make sure I have breakfast, but my appetite has definitely gone out of shape recently and even the simple smell of coffee that lingers in the cafè puts my stomach in turmoil. Also people are looking at me for the way I’m still dressed… as I’ve been out of a funeral. I haven’t had the time to change myself this morning, not physically neither psychologically. I still feel a little blue. Yesterday at this hour I was home and now… I am here. I stare at my breakfast for minutes without wishing to bite down anything. In the end Olaf, defeated by my starvation, makes me wrap it up and take it with me.</p><p> </p><p>We arrive home at some point. I get out of the car sadly and look at the house. It’s ugly and hold and creepy. Must also be haunted, I’m sure of it. Just for the next three months, I repeat to myself, and then I’ll be out of here and back home. Olaf precedes me inside and to my surprise there is one old woman waiting for us in the lobby, dressed as a servant. Olaf puts a hand on my shoulder and pushes me forward to introduce me to her.</p><p> </p><p>“Anna, this is Gerda, Elsa’s housekeeper. She has been looking after the house and your sister for years. From today you will be in her hands." He says calmly. The woman looks at him with a scolding glance. Why does everyone seem to hate this guy? The woman then turns and smiles at me, I greet her with an embarrassed hand raise. "Come, I'll show you the house." He says. The woman tries to stop him, but he doesn’t seem to care. I look at her apologetically as Olaf guides me through the maze this building is. I would say that from the outside it looks smaller. A kitchen, a dining room, three bedrooms, a library, Elsa's study and two bathrooms. For me who lived in a tiny one room apartment all of her life, it’s definitely a qualitative leap. Too bad I can't rejoice. I would have preferred to stay in the flat, after all.</p><p> </p><p>"Does she live here?" I ask Olaf, who has decided to occupy himself making sure that my closet contains my clothes and no longer Elsa's, while I sit on the bed. Apparently this room was hers. I look around myself and I don’t mind. She has taste. There’s also one of my luggages with my personal things, Rapunzel sent Elsa, in a corner. They thought about every little insignificant detail. Olaf looks at me as if he doesn't understand who I'm referring to. "Gerda. Does she live here?”.</p><p> </p><p>"Oh, no." He answers, closing the closet, satisfied with what he’s done. “She hasn't lived here in years. Elsa has reduced her hours as far as I know, when your father died." He explains and I look at the floor that has suddenly become interesting. This is another topic I don't like to talk about. My father's death. And he mentioned it twice already. "She needed to be alone. Well… she still does." He explains to me. "Also she’s quite old now and can’t work as much as she did back in the days. Now she comes in the morning around five and goes away around four, way before Elsa comes back, if there are no particular necessities like this morning."</p><p> </p><p>"Is she married? Does she have a family to take care of?". I ask out of curiosity and I think he is wondering why a question like that might interest me. I am engrossed by family matters by now. Eventually he shakes his head and says nothing more about her. I don't ask, I feel embarrassed. "Talking about ‘taking care of’, you often happen to... you know...". I swallow. "...undress Elsa? I mean..." I see the look that he gives me and I flare out of embarrassment. I try to remedy it immediately. "I mean... it's not something I'd see a man do every day, you know… help a woman change. Not that I think you're a pervert. I don't think so… hm… maybe a little actually. But it's just that if there is something between you and Elsa it would be better for me to know, that's all. To avoid misunderstandings. She seems really enraged with you, you know". I realize I’m rambling, but I can't stop. In the end I hear him burst into a weak laugh.</p><p> </p><p>"Is it so obvious that she’s angry?”. He asks and then as if to dismiss the subject he shrugs. “This morning was an exception. It almost never happened." He intercepts calmly, sitting next to me on the bed. "Elsa is a perfectionist, she must always have everything under control and sometimes she forgets that she’s only human". He says kindly. When he talks about her, his eyes lit. He seems very fond of her. How can I believe there’s nothing between them? Did they break up? Is that why Elsa is so mad at him? “She hasn't slept much in the past few days. That much I know. I'm sorry you had to see her like that on your second day here." He shrugs. “I think she collapsed. It's more than normal in her situation. Don't be mad at her for this."</p><p> </p><p>"What situation are you talking about?". I ask stupidly and he shakes his hands in a vice and looks out the window. Why do I get the feeling that he is hiding something from me? He doesn’t seem to be wanting to talk, but at the end he just sighs and turns back to look at me again as if nothing has happened.  </p><p> </p><p>“The death of your mother, for starters”. He suggests. “Then there was the funeral and she had to organize everything in a week, you know. The lawyers, the judge… infinite meetings… the fact that she had to rush the trip to pick you up”. He sighs and looks at his hands. “And then there was…”. A moment of silence passes before he is able to continue. “We fought… badly”. He confesses. “We had a bit of miscommunication for which she’s spent quite a time angry with me. She’s coming around eventually, but the company is keeping her busier than she should. I mean… she had had quite a rough time lately. Poor Elsa”.</p><p> </p><p>“You fought? Is that why she’s so angry at you?”. I ask and he answers with a nod. “What was it about?”. My curiosity has the better of me, but this he doesn’t answer. He has decided to go all mysterious on me only now that I want to know. Typical. I groan and I bite my lips. Then I remember there is something else I want to ask about, that took my attention. "What company?". This time he stares at me for a long time as if I grew a second head.</p><p> </p><p>"You don't really know anything? Didn’t your mom really talk about her at all?" I shake my head. I don't even know what he’s referring to. "Over time you will understand what I'm talking about." He replies kindly, then he claps a hand on my leg. "You must be exhausted. You should get out of those clothes. Get a shower and get used to the house. We can continue our discussion another time, when you’ll have recovered." He says and stands up to reach the door. </p><p> </p><p>"You did not answer my question. About you and Elsa". I insist as I feel like I’m losing my occasion to ask and he stops shortly before going out. He looks at me in silence and then his lips become so thin they can’t really be called a line anymore.</p><p> </p><p>"There is nothing between me and your sister anymore. We have known each other for many years. That's all. Nothing more worth talking about". He explains. “Now I must really go back to work. I’m not a babysitter Anna, you will understand… If you need Elsa, I think she won’t get angry if you call her just this once and if you need something else, Gerda is downstairs for you. Help yourself out”. And before I can ask more questions he goes out and closes the door behind him, leaving the house. I let myself fall on the mattress exhausted and I look at the ceiling. I can't hold back the feeling of panic that pervades me. As if I'm in jail and I can't escape. I feel so alone now. There’s no one to talk to. No mum anymore. What am I gonna do? I hold my chest and I swallow. I try to close my eyes and distract myself. </p><p> </p><p>Mum wouldn’t have wanted me to cry but now I really feel like it. I wipe for a while, as quietly as I can, until I realise I’ve got things to do. I get up, choose something to wear from the closet and go shower. The hot water helps me relax. I close my eyes as it pours down on me and I push my forehead against the wall, thinking. I need to stop self-pitying myself. What would have mom said about all this? I snort… She would have laughed at me. She’s dead. She can’t do anything anymore. What would have Rapunzel done if she were in my place, then? The old Rapunzel would have probably slept with some stranger and got shitfaced to death and the new, engaged one would have cried herself out, watching sad movies and eating tons of sweets. I sigh… this is not helping. All of this situation is in my hands now. What should I decide? I try to get some answers, but can genuinely find none, so I decide the shower is over. </p><p> </p><p>I get dressed in a hoodie and a comfortable pair of jeans, then I open my luggage. I have never had much. Mum was a minimalistic one. She used to say: ‘the more you have, the more you’ll have to carry when you move on’. Damn… she was right. There are books inside, a portable console, some other things and between them a picture of me and my mother on a mountain trip. I get it out and I look at it. That life is over. I know it. So why is that so difficult to just… let go? I put it on the nightstand so I can look at it. It comforts me.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>In this house time flows slowly. Second after second. I spend my morning playing video games, resting on my bed and chatting with Rapunzel over messages. She asks me how I'm doing, how I feel, how is Norway. She seems curious to know, but at the same time she seems quite reassured though that Elsa is handling things with me splendidly. She talks as if she knew Elsa personally and I'm starting to get tired of her positiveness. So I turn my phone off again, remembering that there was a reason I had to hide it in the first place.</p><p> </p><p>Over launch Gerda surprises me. She knocks on my door and opens it before I can ask her to enter. I suddenly see her face appearing in between the slightly open wood. We look at each other and she doesn’t really need to say a word. I know why she’s here, so I get up and follow her downstairs so we can eat together. She seems like a nice woman. She caresses my neck from time to time as we walk down the stairs and this makes me tear up. She reminds me of a mum. We sit in front of one another and I stare at the stuff she’s cooked. Some strange soup with bread. It's not bad, even if I can’t really understand what it tastes of. I try to talk to her but she doesn't understand me and me, her. I just know she keeps on smiling at me and when she notices I haven’t touched my bread, she forces me to eat it. Like a mum would do. I sniff and gulp down my tears. There is no need to cry in front of a stranger. Gerda seems to be a bubbly kind of person. She doesn’t resemble Elsa, who’s quiet and shy at all. I try to convince myself that this will be my life from now on. It seems surreal.</p><p> </p><p>In the afternoon I know, Elsa will come back at some point and my heart longs for it. I never thought I would say it but I already miss her. She's the only one I can talk to in this house, but it’s not only that… I really feel safe with her around, even if she doesn’t talk much. I need her to fill this void I have in my soul right now. I need her to feel… as a person and not a ghost. To feel like I am still alive and not wandering in some sort of limbo. To be sure this is not a dream (or a nightmare, to be precise). I need her. I desire her. My whole essence is trembling at the idea to see her again. So I sit on the sofa, turn the television on and patiently wait and without realizing it I lose consciousness.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> I dream of blue eyes again. The mysterious figure following me around. Come, Anna… come here. Let’s play. I love you. And I love every second of it. The love in those words and the warm feeling that they make me feel. The safety she bathes me with. The laughters. Oh… If only life was like that. I don’t want to wake up anymore. Keep me here, my goddess. This must be paradise.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>I recover from my dream that it’s already evening. The clock on the wall signs 7:45 p.m. and the television is turned off. I sigh defeated. I missed the whole afternoon without realizing it, but Elsa, however, has not yet returned. And I think Gerda is dying to go home by now. If she doesn’t come back soon, Gerda will leave and I’ll have to be alone… in this big, creepy house. I breathe slowly to keep the panic at bay. There must be a reason for her to be late. She should have had the afternoon off, right? That’s what Olaf had suggested to her. I thought she would accept the offer. I get up and go searching for Gerda. I find that she’s cooking something.   </p><p> </p><p>“Gerda?”. I call and the woman turns to look at me with a big fond smile. “Do… do you know where Elsa is?”. I ask slowly, but still she doesn’t understand. I swallow. This is gonna be more difficult than I thought. “Elsa…”. I repeat. “She’s late… I’m getting worried. Do you think she’s fine?”. She looks at me with big confused eyes. I sigh and pull back my hair. I am gonna go crazy in this house. I think Gerda understands my condition, because she grabs the phone on the wall and searches for a number on a paper. I immediately get what she’s doing. “Oh my god! Don’t call her!”. But it’s already done. The woman pushes the phone in my hands, urging me to answer. She insists for me to take the phone and I have to obey. </p><p> </p><p>“Snow here… who’s speaking?”. Elsa’s professional voice immediately answers and I shiver in pleasure. I gulp my nervousness and I try not to let my brain register how tired she seems on the other side of the speaker. She must be exhausted at this point. And I’m slowing her down. She’s gonna kill me for wasting her time, but now that I hear her voice and that I know she’s ok, I feel lighter, relieved even. I close my eyes and I smile.</p><p> </p><p>“Ahm… also Snow. Well actually Andersen, since mum changed it, but still...”. I answer quietly, nearly whispering. “I’m calling from your house, you know. Don’t you know your own phone number? I would have thought something better from you, dear sister”. I joke and she seems so surprised to hear my voice, her tone goes up a semitone. </p><p> </p><p>“Anna…”. She starts gently with her elated shrill voice. She seems almost happy to hear my voice too. That’s new and unexpected. “How nice to hear your voice. I didn’t think you would call me”. She genuinely says and I bite my lips, delightend and pleasured. There’s no need to tell her Gerda did all the work, is there? “I imagine there’s a reason for your call, right? Has something happened? Are you ok?”. She asks and now she seems worried. Should I ask? I don’t know if I want to humiliate myself. “Anna?”. She insists when she doesn’t hear me anymore. </p><p> </p><p>“You were supposed to come back in the afternoon…”. I suggest, trying to not sound too needy. “I thought you were having problems so I… I’m sorry to disturb you at work. I just wanted to know when you’re coming back. Will we have dinner together tonight?”. She listens to me and then she stays deadly silent for a second and then she hums mortified. I hear a sound in the background. A tapping of fingers on wood. She’s planning her answer.</p><p> </p><p>“I’m sorry, Anna. I’ll be late tonight. I still need to work”. She confesses and I hear her starting to type on a computer. “But Gerda will surely stay with you if you ask her to. I trust her, so you can too”. She sounds distant now. Disinterested. Already avoiding me, is she? That’s disappointing, but not entirely unexpected. I feel a pang of rejection and I can’t find the words to tell her it’s ok. I don’t feel like lying now. I look at my feet in silence. “Do you want me to ask her?”. I uff in response. </p><p> </p><p>“No need to”. I lie, looking at the floor and shifting my weight from a foot to another. I push a hand inside my pocket and I swing on my heels. “I’ll manage. I was just… checking on you. To see if you are ok”. I hear her breath cut out of wonder. “I don’t need anything. I got all I needed”. I swear I can hear her murmur a ‘that’s very nice of you…’, but I’m not entirely sure of it. Then we stay silent for minutes until I feel the urge to close the call. “So, uhm… see you tomorrow”. I say and she responds nearly the exact same way. I turn off the phone and put it back on its stall, then look at Gerda who’s still cooking and make a sign for her to cut it off. “I’m not hungry. I’ll go directly to sleep”. I say, articulating every word loudly. She still doesn’t get me, so I just turn around and leave her alone in the room. “Ok… yeah, whatever”. I go back to my room and close myself in. </p><p> </p><p>At eight the housekeeper leaves. She comes to say goodbye, even if I don’t get a word of what she’s saying. I just look up from my phone I’m using to talk to Rapunzel and I wave her off with a hand. Gerda does the same before leaving. Then I’m alone in the silence of the house. I start feeling scared, but also I begin to feel tired again. I believe that the few hours of sleep I had were not enough to erase the stress of the past few days. I would say that if this will be my life from now on, it's not a good prospect. I get changed into my pajamas and I go to bed, immediately falling asleep.</p><p> </p><p>I still have hope that Elsa will come back at some point, so my sleep is tormented by my inner desire to stay awake to see her. I sleep with an eye closed and one open, always trying to catch a sound that will tell me Elsa is finally at home. And it's three in the morning I think, when I hear the front door close with a thud, which makes me jump in terror. At the beginning I fear for some burglar, but then I hear the click of the heels and a tired, feminine sighing, coming from downstairs, then some strange words, whispered in the silence. I open my eyes and stretch my ears to understand what the voice is saying. I think she's fighting over the phone with someone.</p><p> </p><p>"I know, Punz. Don't you think I already feel guilty? A customer called. It came unexpectedly from the Netherlands. I couldn't refuse." I hear Elsa object as she climbs up the stairs. “It won’t happen again, I swear. You won't hear a single complaint about me from her anymore. Please Punz…”. A shiver pervades my back. I hate when people fight. I only have bad memories related to quarrels. She groans as if whoever she's talking to is whooping her ass. "Yeah… well that's none of your business". She says and closes the call. </p><p> </p><p>To my surprise I hear the door to my room open. I hurry to close my eyes and pretend to be asleep. I don't want to face her. She must be fuming. Stupid Rapunzel! I didn’t think she would go tell Elsa everything. I now know I need to choose wisely the words I tell my cousin. I hear the sound of heels hitting the floor, then a weight on the bed. I stop moving and even almost breathing. I feel the back of her hand stroking my cheek. A totally unexpected gesture. I feel the warmth of her hands. They are so soft. I like it. After minutes I open one eye and I see her looking at me, bending over the bed. She notices me. Our eyes meet and she frowns.</p><p> </p><p>"I didn't want to wake you up. I’m sorry." She whispers gently in a hurry. She immediately withdraws her hand out of fear, as if she has been electrocuted. "Don’t mind me. Go back to sleep." She says patting reassuringly on my leg. I look at her. I should send her away, tell her to leave me alone, but I can't. I don't have the courage. I don’t want to, seeing how she looks at me. “I’m sorry for being late”. And as she says it, she really seems sorry for what she did. I look at her for a long minute. </p><p> </p><p>She doesn't look like any of our parents. And how could she actually? I look more like them. I got my father's red hair and my mother's eyes. She’s too beautiful to be family. But certainly she managed to copy my father's personality quite well. At least as much as I remember of him. Elsa is a mystery in fact. She's elusive and cold, but at the same time she’s gentle and reassuring. Four elements that are mutually exclusive. I am afraid of this woman and at the same time I am fascinated by her. I have feelings… conflicted, but still.</p><p> </p><p>“Has something happened at work?" I ask and she seems surprised that I'm trying to have a conversation with her, after all. Perhaps she expected that I would immediately attack her for leaving me alone. I am also surprised at the turn my language has decided to take. She sighs nodding. "Do you always work this much? You must feel devastated. Slow down…" I suggest and sit up. She clears her throat and withdraws, standing. She seems to need to always take space from me. Am I that scary? That dangerous? She sighs and nods. </p><p> </p><p>"I have no choice. Work is work." She answers. Work is work… hmm… where have I ever heard this saying? Ah, yes… papa used to say it, didn’t he? Work is work… that was the way he used to justify the fact that he was never home and Elsa is using the same excuse. Maybe she thinks I don’t remember that detail. But I do… oh, I do clearly and this makes it even more painful. She just doesn’t want to be here with me. She bites her lips and gestures with a finger for me to turn around and get back to sleep. "Close your eyes now. I won’t bother you anymore." She says and I see her going towards the door.</p><p> </p><p>"Have you had dinner?". I ask hopefully. Maybe I can still salvage our meeting. I want to spend time with her so desperately that I’m willing to get out of bed even if it’s this cold outside. I need to talk to someone physical or I will explode. "I waited for you. I thought we could eat together and talk about your day". I try and she seems surprised by the offer. I see she peeks at the clock on my nightstand and grimaces. </p><p> </p><p>"I would love to, but it’s four in the morning and I really think you should go back to sleep". She answers mortified and her answer leaves me disappointed. I pout and she does too. "It's too late to eat now and I need to go back to work to finish a project. You will probably have breakfast in a few hours anyway". She states. “Don’t mind me, Anna. I’m used to not being able to eat from time to time”.</p><p> </p><p>"Fine…". I nod and she tries again to escape the room when I stop her. "Elsa?". I see that she turns again, with her hand already on the door knob. She seems exasperated now. Her patience is running thin. "I just wanted to thank you. For taking me in, you know… I appreciate it". I blush at my confession, which now seems so stupid to me. She seems to do too in the dim light. "Would you stay for a while? Just until I fall asleep, please. I don't want to sleep alone”. I add and she gasps like a fish as if she doesn't know what to say.</p><p> </p><p>"I can't... I have things to attend to." She says quickly and I feel stupid for asking and mortified. "But if you need me, I will be in the next room." She hurries to add, when she notices that I'm hurt, pointing to the wall that will separate us with her index finger. "If you need anything, just call me. Ok?". She seems sincere, so I nod. She must sense that I feel uncomfortable, because she lets go of the door and approaches me again, with a shaky and uncertain sigh, takes my face in her hands and kisses my forehead. "Sleep tight". I blush furiously at this unexpected display of affection.</p><p> </p><p>I hold her hand on my cheek and I wonder what goes on in her head. If only I could understand her, I would feel less lost. My heart flips happily and then she leaves me and I feel again empty. I see her walking away and in the end the door closes leaving me in the dark. I let myself go with a puff on the mattress and close my eyes. I hear her steps walking around the house. I hear her taking a shower and then in the end she closes herself into her studium and the only sounds I hear are her fingers working on the computer keyboard. </p><p> </p><p>I wait patiently to hear her go to sleep finally, but it doesn't happen. She's trying to kill herself with work apparently. At six in the morning, I'm still awake and kicking. I can't close my eyes. And then finally I hear the tap sounds end. I hear some noises and then a door closes. I think she went to sleep but to be sure about it I get up from the bed and go check as quietly as possible. I open my door and check if the light in her room is on. It actually is. I can see the light filtrating from under her door. Now I feel reassured. I sigh and run back into my room in silence. Maybe she’s changing in there. I flare at the thought. Stupid me and my stupid mind. </p><p> </p><p>I get back in bed and I look at the ceiling, my heart beating like crazy. The feeling of her naked skin under my hands is burned in my mind. Man… she's… gorgeous. I gulp down and roll on my side, curling up into a ball. I close my eyes trying desperately to sleep but as I finally feel myself slumber, something starts ringing. An alarm. I groan, pushing the pillow against my face and I hear Elsa swearing quietly from the other room. Then I hear the front door opening. It must be Gerda who’s coming in for the morning. Fuck… I hate this house. I sigh. Here comes another day.</p><p> </p><p>I suddenly feel restless and I can’t stand to lie down anymore, so I get up and I go wander into the house. I need to walk to blow off some steam and I find myself in front of Elsa’s study door that’s barely ajar and I see her sitting at her desk. She has her eyes covered by one hand, but even like this I can see she has reached her limit. She sighs and her breath comes out in rushed weezing. She inhales and exhales, trying to calm herself down and doesn't move an inch. Olaf is right: poor Elsa. I can feel her pain just by looking at her. She seems so delicate and vulnerable in situations like this. I lean on the door in silence, looking at her and waiting for her to notice me and then suddenly she does. She looks up and I see her red and puffy eyes. They are even more bloodshot than before. I finally see it. She had been crying. I feel my guts contort painfully. What’s happening? As she sets her eyes on me she rushes to dry her face and she smiles at me, but her grin comes a little too trembling to be genuine. She sniffs and clears her throat. </p><p> </p><p>“Anna…”. She breathes. “What are you doing up?”. She asks and I shrug. “You can’t sleep either, can you?”. I nod and she seems to understand what I’m talking about. “Do you… want to come in?”. The offer takes me by surprise, but as she motions for me to enter and close the door, I do. I go sit on the sofa in front of her, waiting for the talk of the century. Because there must be a talk. I mean… Why else would she want me here? But as we really need to start it, none of us dares utter a word. She looks at the wood of her desk, and I also feel painfully self-conscious. “How are you doing?”. She asks in the end, breaking the ice, but I find myself at loss of words. "How are you finding your staying?". She asks. She talks like she is some sort of hotel receptionist making a survey. That's how formal she is. </p><p> </p><p>"I'm okay". I murmur and I don't sound sure. She notices and she makes a face, crossing her legs and her arms in a vaguely defensive position. She looks at me long and then I sigh. I can't stand the inquisition anymore. "Yeah… maybe not that okay". I confess. "It's not you. It's just that I don't feel at home here, can you understand me? I would have preferred to be somewhere else". She nods comprehensively. </p><p> </p><p>“I know…”. She whispers with a final tone. “This is no fun indeed. I'm sorry”. She rubs her face. Silence falls between us again. Suddenly she looks old and tired, as if she’s gained fifty years in a second. Her eyes are out of focus now. She's not in the room anymore. "I want to make myself forgiven for last night. I have a present for you". She says and then she opens one of the desk’s drawers and takes something out of it. Envelopes. White letters stacked one upon the other and held together by a green rubber band. She taps with her fingers on them, thinking. She seems apprehensive. “Me and mother, we… used to talk”. She says gently. “She sent me some letters from time to time. Did you know that?”. I look at her and I don’t know what to answer. Olaf told me but… did she really?</p><p> </p><p>“Did you?”. </p><p> </p><p>“Yes”. She confesses and she seems so nervous as if she were confessing a murder. “We got close after… papa’s death”. She breathes in a whisper. “Mother still loved him somehow and that was the perfect excuse for us to get close again. We used to talk about… well, you”. This is really embarrassing. About me? To say what? “You are the only thing we had in common". She answers as if she has read my mind. "I must admit it is difficult for me to help you survive this moment. I went to therapy when papa died and now… I’m not good with feelings Anna, but I understand pain”. She licks her lips, looking into the void. “The only thing I can do for you now is…”. She pushes the letters in my direction. “You can have them if you want to read them. She spent lovely words about you. She really loved you as a mother should. Maybe her words can help you more than my words would”. She offers and I look at her, then at the letters. </p><p> </p><p>They seem heavy. They must have shared a lot. Do I really want to pry in Elsa's mind like that? In Elsa's privacy most of all? Maybe there are confessions there that are not meant to me. And I don't want to get in the middle of it. I know I'm hitting a slippery slope, but I'm sure of what I'm doing here. So I refuse her offer, shaking my head vehemently. </p><p> </p><p>“It is really nice of you to offer, but I don’t want to pry into your private conversation with mum”. I say, crossing my arms. "Lovely of you to think of me, but… I need concrete actions, Elsa". She swallows and waits for me to explain. She looks at me. It’s as if she’s asking me what exactly I am expecting from her then. “I want you to step in or out”. I say and her eyebrows frown, as if she doesn’t understand what I’m asking for. "Either you help me or let me go, Elsa". I say and she opens her mouth as if she's gotten to it finally. "Reading letters from my dead mum is just going to make it worse. I can't have her back. I need to concentrate on real things… living people". I confess and she presses her lips together. "Will you hug me instead? That would really be comforting". I ask and she makes a horrified face and I fear she'll faint from the stupor. I scoff. She's ready to give away her thoughts but not one hug. "I'm not gonna kill you, I promise". I swear but she sits there, rigid as a marble block and I understand this might be too much for her at this moment. "Have people ever told you, you're totally like dad?". She looks surprised by the question.</p><p> </p><p>"Do you remember him?". She asks and her eyes go crazy, looking anywhere but into my direction. I confirm. "Really? How can you? You were so young… so small". She asks as if she doesn't believe it. I shrug and she is not pleased to get this information. "You know? They… they have actually". She murmurs and she doesn't seem happy to talk about it. "I know what you're trying to say. He probably had affection problems and I do too, right?". She whispers and I look at her grimace in pain. "Well… it's not like that". She says firmly. "I just need time. I'm sorry I can't be of any help to you right now, the way you want me to". I just sit there and I nod. "This is the way to take care of people I learned from him". She confesses calmly and gently. She’s strangely too open to this conversation. I get up from her sofa and she looks at me with apprehension. "Where are you going?". She asks and I walk toward the door. </p><p> </p><p>"I'm stepping out before you do". I answer gently and we look each other in the eyes. Her blue ones on my aquamarine. "Don't worry Elsa. I understand. I'll find the solution by myself. No need to wait for someone who doesn't show up. If you learned from him how to take care of people you probably also learned how to disappear from them. I just don't want to find out when that will happen". I say. I didn't want for it to sound so harsh but it's still the truth. She looks hurt now, but I don't feel like trying to comfort her, so I walk outside her study and close the door behind my back. </p><p> </p><p>I think this is the moment I realise that me and Elsa are two different creatures. We feel in different ways. And how are we supposed to share one life when we can't share affection or even words? This just doesn't mean I don't want to get to know her. It means that I don't feel like hurting myself on her torns right now. I wouldn't know how to break in her walls anyways. I look at the door of her study and I feel guilty for leaving her like that, but what else can I do? I need to untangle the wire in my head before I can even think to approach a person like her. I walk down the stairs to meet Gerda in the kitchen. I realise that I just can't get to her if she doesn't reach for me first.</p><p>
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<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
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  <b>CHAPTER 3 (Rewritten)</b>
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</p><p>I'm not sure if Anna is depressed or just angry at me. It's been a whole week and a half and she hasn't talked to me willingly more than a couple of times after that night. She refuses to eat, refuses to go out and make friends, refuses to do anything except for sleeping. And that's a pity, since I handed in the papers for the school immediately, as she set foot in my house, to allow her to immediately access the courses. I feel guilty for not imagining things would end up like this. She has lost her mum after all. She's disoriented. That's what I'm trying to convince myself with, but the truth is something else. </p><p> </p><p>She is unhappy. That's what it is. I haven't seen her smile since she came here. Not even once. It's not the bubbly image I remembered of her nor the one Rapunzel described to me. And what is worse is that I'm completely powerless. I don't know how to help her. I don't know what to do about her. I can't send her home, can I? But that would be the solution. Rapunzel would help her out of her bad mood in an instant.</p><p> </p><p>I rub the back of my neck and look at my documents without seeing them. What am I supposed to do to make her feel better? I have no idea. I feel like my every step is either danger or death and I don't know where to turn anymore. I'm not ready to raise a person. I'm not cut for all of this. And the results are evident. I feel so useless. I need to step in for my father and take care of her, but how do I do that the way he would? I'm not him. I am, well… me. </p><p> </p><p>I put my pen down and pull my hair back. A child. I have to deal with a depressed girl who probably hates me. I think I should talk to Rapunzel about it. She will surely know what to do, right? She knows Anna better than I do. I pick up the pen again and I try to concentrate. I've been playing this game all morning.</p><p> </p><p>The door to my office opens suddenly. Olaf comes in rolling the car's keys around his index finger and looks at me with hatred. We are having little differences on my schedules lately. He wants for me to be home early. He wants for me to delegate more now that I've Anna to think about. He wants for me to spend more time with her. But he doesn't care what I want at all. He thinks I don't want to deal with her… that's not true. I would love to deal with her if I knew how to and I can't find the solution because I've a lot of work to do. </p><p> </p><p>Does he think I wouldn't love to befriend Anna? But I can't. I've been getting home later and later recently. I've got so much work to do that I have barely been sleeping. I look at the clock and notice that it's already seven o'clock. I miss my bed. I remember when I was able to get back home at four. Ah… those were times!</p><p> </p><p>"Earth calls Elsa." I hear him say and as I see a hand pass in front of my eyes I wake up from my thoughts. I look at Olaf who is in front of me waiting. "You've been absent-minded all day. What's the problem?" I shake my head and pull my hair back. I don't want to talk to him about it. Better: I don't want to talk to him at all. He wouldn't understand. "Will you go home earlier tonight?" He asks hopefully and I sigh. "Anna will end up hating you, if you keep going on like this." I roll my eyes. She already hates me, that's no news. "How much time have you spent with her?" He complains, sticking his finger in the wound. It seems he's doing it on purpose to make me feel guilty. "Come on… let's get you home. I'll drive you". </p><p> </p><p>"Enough. Now you go. I have to get back to work". I say and I hear him muttering something without moving. "I'm serious. Don't make me regret taking you back as my driver. I can still strip you of your privileges. There won't be any more possibilities for you. And also, if you waste my time, I will never go home." I insist.</p><p> </p><p>"Why don't you leave now?" He scolds me, pretending not to have heard me. "It's not so difficult, you know? I'm sure someone will be able to take care of the remaining documents for you. You are not working anyway." I look at him questioningly. How does he know I'm not? "You forgot to wear your glasses". He says and I glare at him. I touch my face and I find he is right. I've been so distracted I thought I had them on. Damn… "Your sister is home alone. She needs you."</p><p> </p><p>“You have been too interested in Anna lately. What do you care?". I intercept. "It's none of your business. I don't like you meddling in these private matters. She's my responsibility not yours and I trust her. She's nearly an adult. She will manage." I try, but he scoffs. "Olaf, go back to work. I'm gonna count to three: one..."</p><p> </p><p>“Elsa, I don't know if you realize the gravity of the situation. Anna is home alone and, from what you told me, in a bad mood. She misses her mother. She changed country and we are in Norway, do you understand? Depression here is something taken very seriously. What will you do if she tries, you know...". He makes the gesture of the hanged man. I jolt in surprise. I whiten and I shiver. What kind of ideas run around that ill mind of his? "But if she had her sister close, maybe she could give up." Ah, now I understand. At this point his persuasion tactics have arrived. "Why don't you go home and check on her?".</p><p> </p><p>"I have a company to manage and you're awful. Stop insisting and stop making me feel guilty. Did I make myself clear? I'll go home when I'm done here. Anna will be fine". And I'm adamant about it this time. But as I start caressing the idea of victory he looks in the distance and shrugs.</p><p> </p><p>"It's not me who makes you feel guilty." He accuses cryptically and I roll my eyes. I place the documents on my desk and I fold my arms against my chest in a defensive stance. Ok, he wants to play this game? Then let's. I look at him and I analyse the situation. There are so many possibilities to explain his behaviour and I pinpoint the most possible one in a jiff. He is trying to get back into my liking, that's clear, but why is he trying to meddle in my already difficult family situation instead of working his ass off? </p><p> </p><p>"Could I know why you're so obsessed with Anna?" I ask specifically and he grimaces. That's the key for everything, is it? Anna is my sister, therefore my problem, not his. I have to take care of her personally, especially in her delicate situation, but this is not the time. Work is work and Anna is Anna. Two different things that can't touch themselves. I need to be concentrated and I need to take care of everything. </p><p> </p><p>"She's the only family you have left. I don't want you to exacerbate it. I don't want to hear you complaining if she runs away and leaves you alone." Ah… that's it. That's it. I smile evilly. He is trying to mend his mistake by projecting his feelings on me and taking care of Anna. That's smart, but it's not enough. That train has already left the station. He should know that. There is nothing that will make me forgive him. He should have protected my family when he was really able to. Now it's too late.</p><p> </p><p>"Feeling guilty much too, Olaf?" I ask cruelly and he snorts with offense. Nailed it. "It's not like you and it won't help your cause. It's just annoying me. Got it?". I ask and seeing he's been discovered he just grimaces and nods. "Good. Now stay away from my problems. This is my family. Not a sadistic game to entertain yourself with." Eventually I see him grit his teeth. "Would you care to tell me why you are here now? Or you came just to talk about my problems?". I ask and he bites his lips. </p><p> </p><p>"I went to get Mr. Tanaka at the airport. Apparently he won't  come today. He has been kept. His P.A said he will attempt to get here tomorrow". He says, now sulking. "Marshall said he will take care of him. So I'm done for the day. All tasks completed". He announces and I nod to let him know I understand. </p><p> </p><p>"Lovely". I say and I then motion him to go away with a hand. "You are done. Disappear from my face. I've had enough". I order and he grimaces. I swear I can hear him mutter 'you are such a drama queen' as he walks to the door and exits the room, to go back to whatever he is supposed to do now. When the door closes I bite my lips. Finally alone. I sigh in relief, closing my eyes and leaning on the back of the chair. He is becoming more annoying every day passing. But I'm not stupid. I know he is right.</p><p> </p><p>I might be annoyed by the way he says things, but this doesn't mean that I'm not worried about Anna. I am and I have to figure out how to help her. Should I call a psychologist? Nah… it's not the solution. I'm sure Anna would hate me. Should I call her instead? Yeah… I should talk to her, but I'm afraid she'll reject me like she did the last night I tried. I'm no good with words after all. It's easy for me to get misunderstood and Anna seems to do just that. She has a talent for it. </p><p> </p><p>I keep working with these thoughts on my mind until I can't take it anymore. I close the laptop, put my papers in a briefcase and get up from the desk. With my coat and things under my arm, I cautiously leave my office. The staff has all gone home long ago, except for Olaf and Marshall. They still have business to attend to. I walk across the hall on tiptoes. I don't want Olaf to see me go home early and think he's won. I don't want to give him this satisfaction. But as I press the elevator button and the doors open I find myself in front of a victorious looking Olaf. He is showing me a toothy smile. </p><p> </p><p>Hell. It was a trap.</p><p> </p><p>"Going home, sweetheart? How peculiar… How come you are so in a rush?". He asks in amusement, getting out and looking at me, from head to toe. "Are you concerned about your little sister… perhaps?". He asks haughtily and his victorious grin is the thing that crosses me the most. "Rushing to her aid already? Might it be that the mighty CEO has a soft heart?".</p><p> </p><p>"No. I'm tired and I want to continue from home." I try and he nods with the look of someone who knows better. "See you tomorrow". I say hurrying to the elevator and quickly pressing the button before he can give me a lecture. I see him waving goodbye to me with that grin printed on his face as the doors close. I groan in embarrassment. </p><p> </p><p>I reach the car in the parking lot. I throw everything on the passenger seat and start the engine. I drive across the parking zone, reversing and getting out. Fortunately, there's no one on the streets. I go home listening to the radio talking and I pull the cell phone out of the briefcase to put it on its pedestal. I forced Anna to give me her number, but I already know that trying to call her would be futile. She wouldn't answer me. She always keeps it turned off. I swallow and pull back the hair that has fallen before my eyes. What can I do to prevent her from hating me? This is the million dollar question, baby.</p><p> </p><p>When I get home it's raining heavily. I take my things from the backseat and run to the front door so as not to get wet. I close the car with my remote and go inside. The lights are all up and I hear a faint laughing in the background. That's unusual to say the least. Laughs in this house are not the typical sound. </p><p> </p><p>So I take off my shoes and leave them at the entrance, with my case, before sneaking further into the house to investigate the matter. I peek from the kitchen door that has been left a bit ajar. Anna and Gerda are playing cards at the table and I'm sure neither of them know what they're doing. But Anna is smiling… a big and hearty smile. She's having fun. How unusual. </p><p> </p><p>I breathe a faint sigh of relief, I didn't know I was holding and place a hand on my chest. Stupid Olaf and his gruesome allusions. She's not depressed... she's just angry at me. The thought is bittersweet, but it's a good news nonetheless. It could be worse. I decide that I don't want to ruin Anna's happy moment, so I decide to leave them alone. But as I start closing the door, Gerda turns her eyes at me. She immediately starts to greet me but I press an index in my mouth to shut her up. I want for it to be a surprise. The woman understands. Her eyebrows snap up in realisation. She smiles and nods, turning again to play her game. Anna is so absorbed by her cards she doesn't notice a thing. Good. I run away and go upstairs. I really need a shower before I surprise her. I need to be presentable. </p><p> </p><p>Maybe I should treat them to dinner...</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>"Aw man!". I snap, throwing my cards on the table. "You win again! That's not fair!". Gerda laughs. I might not understand her but this I get. She's mocking me. That laugh is a universal sign and her eyes are too happy. "Yeah… keep laughing, but so you know: these rules…". I point at the table, while I look at Gerda. "...are not fair!". She shrugs and I scoff. If I had not been this sleep deprived I would have won for sure. I squint my burning eyes. This is all Elsa's fault. She's been haunting my nights with her stupid computer. The continuous tapping is keeping me awake. And when I close my eyes all I can see is her… stark naked. I can hear her voice calling me 'babe'… I know she wasn't talking about me that time, but it totally creeped me out. We might not be real sisters, but for fuck's sake! And I'm starting to think something is wrong with me. So no… no sleep for me. But also awake time is no joke. </p><p> </p><p>I close my eyes again and there she is… she has the most beautiful face in the world. I really should stop this. I don't know why the hell I am this obsessed with her. I mean… she's gorgeous, that's a fact. But I'm sure this is crossing a line I shouldn't cross. Man, her eyes are gorgeous. She is a goddess. I groan and I take out the phone from my pocket as I have done a million times for today and I check for calls. Maybe Elsa has called me. I feel a pang of disappointment when I find out that, no, she hasn't. This is not normal. Feeling so sad about it. I can't miss her this much everytime she leaves. I can't go on like this. I need answers.</p><p> </p><p>So I open my browser and I write the question. It's not like I can talk about this with anyone other than the internet anyway, so I type away and I scroll for the answers. What I found is not exactly what I was expecting for. I was searching for a way to stop being obsessed with her and instead I got a bunch of love confessions and questions like: is it normal to be attracted to your sister? Or: Is it ok to fall in love with her? I stop in my tracks. My heart pounding in my chest. What is this exactly? I look at the screen speechless. My eyes snap open. What the hell? Why is the universe suggesting I love Elsa? I swallow. I mean… yeah I do love her, I do have feelings, but… Nah… this is ridiculous. She's my sister. I chuckle and I put down the phone. </p><p> </p><p>But after five minutes of it staring at me from the table I feel the weight of the untold. What if…? I tap with my fingers on the wood trying to resist and taking it back. But I can't. I need to know. I grab my phone and I type furiously. I find something that makes me think about it. Seriously this time. I find myself searching for signs that tell you you are in love and there, among them is a confession or what looks dangerously like one. It's titled: reasons why I fell in love with you and there… These are my feelings for Elsa. The way I think of her constantly. The fact that I appreciate her beauty. The reassuring feeling she gives me. I look at it for minutes like I'm in trance. The internet is never right, I know that. But what if this time it is? Am I in love with Elsa? My heart starts beating faster and my guts contort painfully. No… it can be, can it? I feel nervous about this, scared even by those words, so I immediately close my phone. Definitely this time. I don't  want to look at it anymore. The untold told too much.</p><p> </p><p>I turn to give my attention to Gerda who's getting up from the table. She gives me some minutes to recover from the game loss, before she comes back. I tap with my hand on the table looking at it. I'm thoughtful now. This is not really what I was expecting to understand about myself but… it fits perfectly. And this scares me to death. She's ready to play another game, but I shake my head. I need a moment of quiet to think, so I get up from the table.</p><p> </p><p>"Give me a second, Gerda". I breathe, still engrossed in my lucubrations. Gerda shrugs as if it's not her problem and mutters something I don't get. "Don't worry, I'll be back in a jiff so you can beat my ass again". I say menacingly. I get my slippers on and I walk out of the room first and up the stairs then. </p><p> </p><p>My head is still full of my worries now. My brain is desperately trying to put all the pieces of the puzzle in place. I look at my feet as I walk up the steps. I walk around the house confused and discombobulated. I finally arrive in front of the bathroom door and I hear noises coming from inside. I frown at the door. Did I leave the water open? Is there an animal in there? I check on the door. It's locked. Has it broken? Dammit! I try frantically to open it. How the damn has it blocked itself like this? These old crappy doors! </p><p> </p><p>I don't even think to knock like a normal person would. If I had been in my clear mind I would immediately understand why the door is closed. But no… not now. I genuinely think the door is broken. I try to hear something, pressing my ear on the door. It seems like… water. Exactly as I feared. I'm confused, so I take the only decision possible. Knock down the door. It'll not be difficult. These doors are old and as thin as paper, so I walk back some steps, then I run into the wood with all my might, tearing it down with a shove. The lock creaks and gives in with a thud. There! Anna 1-0 door. It opens whining. I will have to talk to Elsa to get it fixed… I look up and I freeze. What I see in the brief moment before hell breaks free is not what I was expecting. It all happens like it's on slow-mo. </p><p> </p><p>There's a woman under the shower, stark naked. A gorgeous woman at that. My eyes scan all the watchable before she screams, jumping up from fear. I scream too understanding this is not a damn delusion of mine. Light blonde hair falls on her shoulders and on her face, she's completely wet. Blue eyes totally terrified. I redden in embarrassment. She's so struck by fear and surprise she can't even talk. </p><p> </p><p>"Elsa!". I scream in horror. "Oh my God! You're fucking naked! I'm so sorry! I didn't…". I try to cover my eyes while she, in a panic, tries to cover her junk, desperately with the shower tent. She moves too fast, she slips on the water, falls onward and hits her head on the tiles of the wall in front of her with a sharp crack that makes me instantly nauseous. The tent falls on her relentlessly. She groans in pain. "Elsa! Are you okay?". I ask trying to reach for her while keeping a hand on my eyes. The answer longs in coming so I feel compelled to look again.</p><p> </p><p>I push away my hand from my eyes and I see her, sitting on the plate, holding her head. Then I see the blood. A lot of blood everywhere. On her hair, on her face… is also dripping on her shoulders and torso. Her complexion is so pale that the red feels even more vivid. I immediately feel my breath cut. My heart stops. Oh my God! Nonono! What do I do? After that moment of initial panicking my lungs start working raggedy and I feel like puking. I stand still, frozen like an ice statue.  </p><p> </p><p>"I am… bleeding". She whispers, asserting the obvious. "Am I?". She asks and she seems confused now. Her voice is feeble and absent. She touches her face to make sure she's not imagining it. She looks at her hands covered in red and she sighs, slowly. She doesn't seem angry or in pain. Just exasperated. As if this is a problem she doesn't want to have to solve. She leans against the wall with her eyes closed. Has she fainted? Oh my God! I pull back my hair with my hands.  Fuck! Fuck! What have I done!</p><p> </p><p>"Ok… ok. Let's not panic!". I yell, running for a bathrobe. "Let's get you covered first". I pull away the tent from her and then I throw the bathrobe on her shoulders. She seems to get back to her senses, because she holds a hand out for me, asking for help to get out of the shower. I support her back to her feet, but she keeps on holding onto me with shaky legs. She can't stay still and upright. That's the moment Gerda, attracted by the strange sounds, runs into the room. </p><p> </p><p>The woman is totally horrified. She jolts in fear and then she starts yelling, crying and wailing softly as if I'm trying to kill Elsa with my bare hands. That's the first real mother like reaction I've ever seen in my life and it's terrifying. She takes Elsa's face in her hands trying to understand if she's gonna die. She talks to her as if she's a baby and then she looks at me with tears and hatred in her eyes. </p><p> </p><p>"It's not my fault! I didn't know she was here! It was a mistake…". I defend stupidly, but the woman doesn't even listen. She doesn't understand you, stupid! Elsa, instead, holds on to me for dear life. She hugs me tightly, while she tries to get her composure back. I'm starting to sweat cold and Elsa, instead, is trembling like a leaf.</p><p> </p><p>"Ring en ambulanse". She breathes to Gerda and the woman nods and runs away. She's heavier by the minute and she's losing a lot of blood. Now we are both covered. I hope she isn't planning on collapsing on me, so I try to let her reach something to sit on, but she stumbles and nearly falls again. I help her get seated on the drawer near the door and then, I keep her up. I hurry into pressing the first towel I find on her forehead to stop the hemorrhaging. She's started shaking uncontrollably. "Anna, we shouldn't play like this in the house. Dad will get angry". She whispers and I see the faint frown in her face. She is losing awareness. "You tore down a door. Did you get hurt?". Her worried words hurt me. How can she think about me in a moment like this? I know she's trying to defuse, but this makes me feel more guilty. "I knew I shouldn't have come home early… it was a bad idea". And there she is back.</p><p> </p><p>"I'm sorry… I swear. I thought the door was jammed. I didn't think you were in there". I say, patting on her cheek to keep her awake. She laughs, holding my wrist and stopping me, but I can't get what's so funny. She caresses my cheek in silence, then Gerda comes in talking fast, with clothes. We dress Elsa as fast as we can, since she can't stay on her feet. She looks like a ragdoll and I feel myself finally panic. I killed her. I totally killed her. I help her get out of the bathroom, but I'm too scared of letting her on the stairs, so I take her to her room, and I lay her on her bed. She groans in pain and stops moving. </p><p> </p><p>"I feel reassured now you're here. No one could protect the house better than you". She jokes with her eyes closed. I think the blood loss is making her high somehow. She laughs quietly. Luckily the ambulance is here in five minutes. They check on Elsa and get her vitals, before getting her on a stretcher and escorting her out of the house. I follow them, while Gerda stays behind, holding her own hands, muttering. </p><p> </p><p>One of the men keeps talking to Elsa. She answers while they check on the cut. They get her over the ambulance. They pull out a sack of blood and put her under drip. The doctor asks her something and then suddenly she reaches out for me. I point at my chest in surprise. </p><p> </p><p>"Me?". I ask. "I'm sure Gerda would be of much more help…". She shakes her head and insists, so I have to get on with her. She holds my hand tightly, while I feel nervous. My hand is sweaty and trembling. The doctor looks at me and then at her. He asks something and Elsa looks at me. She answers and the doctor nods. </p><p> </p><p>"What did you say?". I ask and Elsa smiles, crossing her fingers with mine, to keep me quiet. The doctor looks at me, checks my eyes and then my shoulders. I feel a little pain in the one I used to tear down the door. The doctor nods gently.</p><p> </p><p>"She's fine". Says the man, patting on my back. "A little sore". It kills me not to know what's happening, but Elsa seems totally calm, so I try to be too, but as I look at her, the only thought that crosses my mind is that I ruined her beautiful face. I fight tears. The cut on her forehead is ugly. Oh my God. I cover my eyes and I start sobbing. </p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>"Ouch!". I exclaim when the doctor starts stitching up my wound in the middle of the emergency room full of people. I grimace and groan. It damn hurts. I try to touch it, but the doctor slaps my hand away. I look at Anna, trying to find some comfort and when my eyes fall on her, she gets pale and averts her gaze, looking at the ground. She's been crying since we set foot in the ambulance. Her eyes are now red and puffy. She's that scared. I can see it in her eyes and her hands are trembling faintly, even if she opens and closes them fast. She's covered in blood and I think her stunt did a horrible number on her. I look at the doctor for help, and he smiles, understanding.</p><p> </p><p>"There's no need to be so nervous…". He says, looking at Anna. "It's just a scratch. She will heal soon". But Anna is not listening. She looks at the tiles and stays silent. I'm worried. I tighten my lips and I touch her hand then and she jumps in surprise. Finally she looks at me and holds my hand, caressing the back of it with her tumb. I think she's trying to reassure me, but it's difficult for me to feel involved when she's showing me that face. "Could I suggest some rest? You might need some days to get back on your feet. I'll sign a paper for you". The doctor winks at me, as if this was the best acting performance he ever did. I shake my head. </p><p> </p><p>"Thanks doctor but I really need to work. Is it really necessary?". He nods, deadly serious as if I have asked the most stupid question ever. He finishes stitching me, puts a bandage on the wound and stands. </p><p> </p><p>"Trust me, you will be out for at least a week, miss. I'll let you go home but you’ll need quiet and dark. Remember to not get the wound wet or dirty. It will close completely in a couple of weeks. And I suggest eating something to contrast the weakness from the blood loss". He handles me a business card, that I fetch and secure in my pocket. "If something happens don't hesitate to call me, miss Snow. It was a pleasure". He shakes my hand fondly as well as Anna's and then disappears, to tend to other patients. We don't move from our sitting position as if we are frozen. She swallows and doesn't even dare to look at me. </p><p> </p><p>"Are you feeling okay?". I ask and she doesn't answer. She's become mute. "Come on, Anna… it was nothing. It happens. You didn't mean to". When I see she doesn't want to talk, I get up wobbling and she mirrors me nearly panicking. I feel my legs are weak, but I can walk. I put a step after another while she follows me faithfully out of the hospital. I'm walking on the moon. I feel drunk. I take a seat on a bench with a groan. I've already had enough of walking. I sigh and pull back my head over the back of the bench. In the meantime she calls everyone. Literally anyone she has the number of. She calls Rapunzel and Gerda and our haunt. All to say to them I'm still alive and kicking. She even spends time translating the conversation to Gerda who doesn't understand a word she's saying. At some point she even lets me spend some words with her. I smile. Anna was that worried. When my call with Gerda is over I ask for her cellphone, but she grabs it back. "Could you please call a taxi, while you're at it? I want to go home". I ask and she looks at me in confusion. </p><p> </p><p>"Don't you want to call Olaf?". She asks and for a second I really am afraid for that concussion. What is she talking about? "He must know… he'd probably be worried and also… he is your driver". </p><p> </p><p>"Why should I call Olaf of all people? That man is my nemesis and I already feel like hell. I don't want to be scolded by him, nor to see his face right now". I say and she seems confused. "And also, to be clear he drives for me, not me personally. He should be at the airport now, picking up a client". </p><p> </p><p>"Can you believe I thought you two were together? Have you two broken up?". She confesses and I laugh faintly. I think this is the first time I've even laughed around her because she looks at me in surprise. Her stare is… curious. "If you did not… then who's you babe?". She asks and I choke on my own saliva and look at her dumbstruck. What does she mean who's my baby? What exactly is she implying? "You called me that while I was undressing you. I thought you were talking about him". Oh… I sigh in relief. Me and my dirty mind!</p><p> </p><p>"I was probably delirious, Anna. Don't think much about it". I answer and she seems somewhat disappointed. "I don't need to call anyone… just the taxi". She swallows and obeys. My headache is killing me so I massage my temples. She does as I asked her to and the taxi shows up at some point. She helps me up and in the taxi as if I'm an old granny, then she sits on the opposite side of the seat, looking outside. She's still upset. I try talking to her but she's ignoring me. </p><p> </p><p>We get home in silence. I enter first, opening with my keys since I convinced Gerda to go home. Now me and Anna are alone in the house and I fear the moment we will be forced to talk about what happened tonight. I get out of my shoes, groaning and Anna follows me, getting sure I'm alright. </p><p> </p><p>I stagger into the kitchen and find an old bottle of liquor under the counter. It’s covered in dust. It hasn’t been touched since papa died after all, but I need something strong to drink. I pour half a finger of it in a glass, the right amount to help myself keep going on but not enough to get me drunk, while Anna looks at me. I think she doesn't want me to drink, but has no courage to say it. She stands there, still. I sip the liquid slowly. It burns and it's bitter but it makes wonders for my headache. I groan, rubbing my face, exhausted as always.</p><p> </p><p>"This is not working… is it?". I whisper, looking inside the glass as if the brownish liquid is the most interesting thing of all and she seems mortified. She tries to say sorry again, but I stop her. "I'm not talking about what happened tonight. That was an accident. I get it". I explain, pointing at the both of us with my index. "I mean we are not working. The accident happened because we are running on different levels. We are too different and… I'm really trying this hard but it's of no use. If we don't find a way to get along I will be forced to find another solution". I confess, biting my lips and running my fingers on the glass. </p><p> </p><p>"What do you want me to do?". She asks, mortified. I think she understands what I am referring to because she lowers her gaze and plays, drawing figures on the floor with her feet. "I'm trying too. This is all new for me. I've never thought I would… end up with you". She confesses. End up with you. That’s a harsh way of saying it. "And I…". Her breath gets caught in her throat as she looks at me. "I'm trying to figure things out. Important stuff". </p><p> </p><p>"Well, for starters, you could start talking to me". I suggest, mixing the liquor in my glass with a circular motion. I look at it because looking at her, while we have this conversation, is too embarrassing for me. "Tell me what's the problem. What is bothering you… because there is something. I can tell". I intercept, not giving her any way to call herself out of it or lie. I am genuinely concerned about her wellbeing and she gets it, because her lips start trembling. I thought she wouldn't talk that easily, but I'm totally wrong.</p><p> </p><p>"Do you wanna know what's the problem?". She asks and I nod. Before I can stop her, her eyes fill with tears. "I miss mum." She confesses immediately and starts crying. Poor baby. I look at her with pity and I try to find something to concentrate on to avoid for her to uncover me. The glass is not that interesting now. Why am I this way? I feel comfortable standing here, looking at her cry, and feigning I'm a piece of furniture, but I do not feel safe hugging her and comforting her like a normal human should. Maybe she's right. Maybe I am broken. "I can't believe she's dead."</p><p> </p><p>"Neither do I." I murmur and I see her reach for a chair and sit. She covers her face with her hands and keeps on crying. She's been wiping since she's transferred here so it's no news for me, but I still feel that sensation in the back of my head telling me I should do something. What though… I don't really know. I want to console her but I'm still scared I'll do worse.</p><p> </p><p>"And tonight I nearly killed you too. What is wrong with me?". She starts sobbing loudly and desperately and I start chuckling quietly, looking at the kitchenette. It's stronger than me. I can't help but think she has grown so fond of me and so fast over this week and a half, even if we haven't talked much, that she's even willing to cry for me. This kind of flash affection is totally foreign to my person. I can't understand it. It sounds crazy to me to some levels and that's why I'm chuckling. She glares at me as if I'm gone crazy. </p><p> </p><p>"You scared me to death. I just slipped. It’s no big deal". I am laughing now and I can't believe it. She tore down the damn door! Thinking about it with my mind ready and clear, I can find it pretty funny indeed. "I'll have to teach you how to knock". I joke and she pouts with her face still covered in tears. She seems oh, so mortified. She is so cute and her abandoned puppy eyes catch my attention so much I feel compelled to cross the distance between us and lean on. It's now that I feel it: the need to touch her. This feeling too is alien for me but I don't fight it. I've learned to never fight instinct, so I reach for her and I print a kiss on her forehead. She looks at me as if I'm gone crazy. Her eyes are big in surprise. "It's just a scratch… there's no need to cry". I immediately take cover back against the counter and the moment is over. That's it. </p><p> </p><p>"What if I killed you?". She asks. She's still worried after all. Maybe too much to notice how difficult it was for me to go and show her affection like that. I sigh. How can she understand? She's totally a different person. I shake my head, but she's damn serious.  </p><p> </p><p>"Anna, stop worrying. You didn't. No need to feel guilty about something that didn't happen. It's fine". I try but she shakes her head. We stay in silence like this for a long moment. She doesn't seem convinced by my words as always, but at least she's not fighting me. It's a step forward in the right direction, if you ask me. But there is still something bothering her. I can feel it and I can see it from the way she avoids my eyes. What is going on in that mind of hers? "Is there something else you want to tell me?". I ask and I grimace. I sound like our father now. Great. She looks at me with terror in her eyes. Got her. She's hiding something and she didn't expect to be discovered so soon apparently. </p><p> </p><p>"I am going to sleep". She announces and she gets up. She's running away. Why? She dries her tears on the back of her hand and it's now that I decide to stop her by her wrist, preventing her from moving. I need to know. It must be something important if she's reacting like this. </p><p> </p><p>"Anna, please… stay a few minutes more. I'd like to talk to you." She sighs then and sits down again with a snort. She is awfully obedient. I can't understand her at all. "I'm under the impression that you're, how to say... unhappy, here. I'm just trying to make you feel better. So, what is it you are hiding? What can I do to help you?"</p><p> </p><p>"Do you want to make me feel better?" She asks and I nod hopefully. "Then send me home." She whines and my hope falls miserably. "I don't want to stay here. Your presence alone is enough to confuse me. I'm going crazy, Elsa". She murmurs and I have the feeling there is something else other than hate she's referring to. "I never wanted to be dragged into this damned country and I don't want to spend time with you to ease your guilt about it. Because you don't really want to spend time with me, do you? This is not helping me, do you understand? It's making it worse. And I can't think of you while I should mourn for mum." She says calmly and reasonably and I see her biting her lips. “I understand your position. I'm not mad at you for bringing me here, and I am holding no ill feelings against you, but I'd rather go home."</p><p> </p><p>“I can't send you home". I repeat for the umpteenth time. I'm starting to feel sick about it. My voice betrays my exasperation. "At least not until you are of age. I signed for your custody and I wouldn't know who to leave you with. It's a big responsibility, Anna. If something happened to you…." I wouldn't be able to forgive myself. My baby sister, sent somewhere alone without my protection… the only thought gives me the creeps.</p><p> </p><p>"Is there really no remedy?". She asks and I shake my head. “I don't understand why you had to interfere. If you hadn't said anything I could have stayed with Rapunzel."</p><p> </p><p>"I know we don't know each other well, and that you don't see me as your sister, Anna… but we could at least be friends. Don't you think? Would that be so horrible?". I suggest gently. "Would you have preferred for me to leave you there? Homeless and with no one to take care of you?”.</p><p> </p><p>"There was Rapunzel." Rapunzel. Again. I bite my lips and I try to decide whether it would be the right thing to talk now. She's harbouring a hope that will never come to exist and I can't let her. She is delusional and she will end up hurt at some point, if she keeps on believing things unreal. So better end the whole ordeal and let her come to pacts with it now. She will get over it at some point. </p><p> </p><p>"I'm sorry to break this up to you, but… Rapunzel is getting married." I say and from the face she makes I deduce that no... she didn't know it. As I expected. Rapunzel probably had not the courage to tell her given the situation Anna was in. "I'm sorry I ruined the surprise for you, but Rapunzel really couldn't have taken care of you. She is planning the wedding and also… she has her deal of problems. She's gotten herself into a mess with her boyfriend." She looks like I slapped her. She didn't expect that, clearly and I feel mortified. But if not from me, then from whom she should have learned the truth? “Fact is… I really had to fight with the judge for your custody. The judge didn't think I would be able to raise you. We are not blood related and they knew it and papers, well… they are not everything". I breathe a tremble sigh. "But I promised I would take care of you since Rapunzel couldn't and Auntie is financially broken. And since we were so close when we were little I thought… but I clearly misjudged. Point is, there was no other solution." I explain and she's unable to retort in light of these new facts. She remains silent and then stands up. "Anna...". She doesn't even listen to me. She goes up to her room and locks herself inside. "I'm sorry". I breathe and I down my liquor. I talked too much. </p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>I throw myself on the bed. I want to disappear. I sniff up with my nose and wipe my eyes with the back of my hand. Oh my God… if only I had known this was the truth I would have never opened my mouth. I feel so stupid. How could I believe Rapunzel would really take care of me? Elsa must have thought I am an ungrateful idiot. How to blame her? She's taken me in, treated me like family and what do I do the second she adverts her eyes? Try to kill her and complain. I feel betrayed. Rapunzel could have totally spared me from this humiliation. Suddenly I hear a faint knock on the door and I jolt in fear. I remain silent, hoping that it will go away, but it doesn't.</p><p> </p><p>"Anna... come out. Please. I'm sorry for what I said." I hear Elsa muttering weakly. The guilt in her voice breaks my heart. I close my eyes. She can't really think this is her fault, can she? "I didn't want to make you angry, I just wanted...". Silence. I grab the pillow and I cover my ears. I don't want to listen to how mortified she is. She is not the one who should apologise. Dam her! "If you need me, I'm in my room". I hear her conclude and in the end I hear her footsteps go away.</p><p> </p><p>I sit on the bed and think about it. Rapunzel must explain so many things to me now. I have to find out all the truth is there to know. I know Elsa probably knows this because Rapunzel had to explain herself for not being able to take me in, but I want to hear it from her mouth directly. I won't get satisfied with a report of this happening. Then I reach for my pocket and I fish my phone out. I dial the number and wait. Rapunzel answers on the third ring.</p><p> </p><p>"Anna, hey!". She gleefully exclaims. I feel even more enraged as I hear her voice. She knows she's lying to me and she thinks she can pull this bullshit against me? How dare she? "How is Elsa? Has something else happened?"</p><p> </p><p>"She's fine…". I mumble and the rage in my voice immediately puts her in her defensive mode. She finally shuts up and listens. "I called for something else". The woman stays silent, waiting patiently for the fight. "What the hell is going on? Why didn't you tell me you're getting married? What is this all about?". I ask and a long and embarrassing minute of silence follows. From my tone she probably guessed that I'm not in the mood for joking.</p><p> </p><p>"Elsa told you...". She whispers almost to herself than me. Her tone is final. Oh, she feels betrayed too now. Good. So she knows what it feels like. “Anna… your mother had just died when Eugene asked me to. It didn't seem like the right moment. And also… I didn't really want to talk about it”. She says and I scoff. But she told Elsa! She could also have told me! Not just because I'm the direct topic here, but because she claims I'm her best cousin and most of all… her best friend. She lied to me! To my face! "You are angry". And that is not a question. Oh! Am I?! And why would it be? I bite my lips hard now. She's lucky she is on the other side of the world right now and that calling her has a cost or I would have yelled the shit out of her for hours. I can't. I think about it. </p><p> </p><p>"Yes. Yes I am". I confirm. "You lied to me. I believed we were a team". </p><p> </p><p>“But we are". She says, but I don't care anymore. I don't want to believe her lies again. "You just have to make a new team now. It's fine, isn't it? I mean… How's it going between you and Elsa? Besides the accident thing, I heard you are bonding pretty well. Do you two get along? Does she treat you well?" She's changing the topic already. Telling her the truth now would only make me look like a spoiled girl in need of affection. I sigh.</p><p> </p><p>"Yes, all things considered, but not thanks to you". I whisper and I can imagine her half grimace about it. "She might be the best team, you know? She doesn't lie to me and she is not scared to discuss unpleasant things with me. Also she’s the team that actually takes me in if I need it". I hit and she receives the blow pretty well. She only flinched for a couple instants before answering. </p><p> </p><p>"I'm happy to hear you say it." She explains, but she doesn't sound sincere at all. "Tell me more… you haven't been saying a word about it since you are there. How is the place? How is it going? Have you gone to school already?"</p><p> </p><p>"Sorry Rapunzel, it's really late now and I don't want to talk to you anymore". I say and she gasps in horror. Was I too offensive? "I have… to go. Give me some time. I'll… call you back if I ever feel like it again". Rapunzel and I exchange a few other lines. Then I close the communication. I sit and contemplate my hands for a time that seems infinite. I feel like I'm doing it all wrong. Elsa is just trying to help me. Rapunzel too in her own way, but not like her. Why am I like this? I cover my eyes in shame. I have to get myself forgiven. Why all of a sudden I feel like I'm falling deeper for her? I stand up from the bed and exit the room to search for hers. Her door is unexpectedly open and I see her sprawled on her belly on the bed. She has her face pressed on her pillow and she is groaning in pain. Her head must hurt that bad… I feel mortified again. </p><p> </p><p>"Elsie?". I ask and she immediately turns to look at me. She is not covered in blood anymore. She must have taken another shower while I was fighting with Rapunzel. She is wearing her pajamas now. It's the first time I see it. It's light blue with white stripes and it falls a little bigger on her than intended. It looks like it’s a man’s… I didn’t think she had such tastes. Her hair is let down and sprawled all over. They are so long, so thin, so pale… they seem made out of snow. She chuckles.</p><p> </p><p>"Elsie… I haven’t heard that name in a while…". She breathes in response. Her tone is hopeful and it reassures me. She turns to look at me with one of her big blue eyes and I see a quiet smile on her face. “What is it?”.</p><p> </p><p>"I changed my mind. Do you still wanna talk?". I ask and she seems surprised from the request. I think she gets it that me and Rapunzel had a diverb. She could say whatever about it, but she doesn't and I appreciate it. She makes me space and pats on the bed. I go sit next to her, my back on the bedpost, holding my hands. "I'm sorry for hurting you. I didn't mean to". I say and she nods. "I want to accept your offer of us becoming friends. If you want to, I have something to ask of you though". I say and she waits for the request patiently. "You have to stop working at night". She looks at me in confusion. "The tapping… the fucking tapping on that damn computer is making me crazy. And the calls! I can't sleep. I'm like a ghost all day". She looks at me in silence for minutes then starts laughing quietly and strainedly.</p><p> </p><p>"So that's what it is. Is that why you're grumpy all day?". I nod and she smiles. "Oh baby…". I feel a chill of pleasure cross my whole body. "You should have said so immediately. I was so worried that you...". She says and never finishes her sentence, pressing a hand on mine and retracting it as fast as possible. "I'm sorry…". She called me baby… was it intentional this time? I hope so. I really like it. </p><p> </p><p>"Also… could you stop abusing me with your nudity please? It's starting to get to my head". And I am damn serious about it. All I see is her and it's distracting. I hope I'll be able to forget the image of her standing stark naked under the shower now. She thinks I am joking and she snorts. "I'm serious! It's… it's making me uncomfortable". </p><p> </p><p>"I'll try my best". She jokes, nodding. "But I want to remind you that the fault is not entirely on me. I had closed the door this time. You just barked in… and now I have to buy a new door". She chuckles, showing me her pristine teeth and I blush furiously. Does she think I am a pervert now?</p><p> </p><p>"I told you… I thought the door was jammed". I insist, trying to clean my name anew. "How was I supposed to know you were in there? You didn't announce yourself and you never come early, so…".</p><p> </p><p>"That's a lovely excuse". She jokes, swinging her head. Then the pain must let itself known cause she grimaces and stills with the same expression on her face of one who's eaten an ice-cream too fast and has a frozen brain. I bite my lips and stay silent not to spurr her to talk if she doesn't feel like it. So we stay quiet and silent next to each other for minutes. I cross my arms and from time to time I look at her. At some point I hear her breath become quiet and even and as I turn to look at her I see her totally relaxed. Elsa fell asleep. She breathes heavily, with her mouth open. That's the face of a woman who hasn't slept in days. Poor baby.</p><p> </p><p>I lay down next to her and start caressing her hair softly. They're so soft and so thin… almost like a baby's. I don't want to wake her up so I touch her delicately, caressing her cheek with the back of my index. I get closer to her, as if to see her better. I can't believe I almost killed her tonight. The scar on her forehead will be my memento forever. I won't be able to look at her in the eyes anymore after this. Not that I could before either. I may have ruined her face but she's still beautiful. I can confirm it: even with the bandage she has the most gorgeous face of all. A scar doesn't change anything for me. </p><p> </p><p>She might be bitchy and cold and ignoring me but I have to admit… I feel something for her. I think I have a thing for this woman. I don't know if it's affection yet, or even love, but something is definitely there. A warm feeling. I smile quietly, forgetting for a second that she's my sister. She grimaces in her sleep as something is chasing her so I do the only thing mum taught me to do on these occasions. I rub her nose with my index. She immediately relaxes and I smile. I think she likes it. Maybe an old reminiscence. </p><p> </p><p>Mum used to do it to her when she was sleeping. I'm starting to remember things I had forgotten and this surprises me. Every detail rushes through my mind as if it hadn't waited but this moment. I remember the 'cuddle missions' mum would take me to. Dad didn't want for Elsa to be spoiled by such trivial affection. We were forbidden to approach her with hugs and suchs and that's probably why she ended up being so cold and distant. But mum, she didn't care. She would wait for Elsa to be asleep at nine o'clock exactly. Then we would sneak in to kiss her nose and cuddle her. She never woke up. She was so tired she didn't even notice. Exactly like now. I chuckle. Some things never change apparently. </p><p> </p><p>"Elsa…". I breathe against her nose. She moans gently in response. "Why did you have to be this damn beautiful and adorable?". I ask and she mumbles something incomprehensible in her sleep. I caress her cheek with my full hand now. She's getting warmer by the minute as she sleeps. Her skin smells of mint. I like it. "I lied when I said you are like dad. You are nothing like him and I don't know why you want to resemble him. You are too gentle. He would have never told me the truth about Rapunzel. He would have never let me in like you did". I brush a strand of hair behind her ear. "And I didn't mean to hurt you. Do you believe me?". I whisper and she nods vaguely. "It won't happen again. I promise I'm gonna protect you. Has anyone made you this promise?". She doesn't answer. She's gone now. Only I remain awake in the house. The only sentient being around. "I'm happy to be here". And this time I talk to myself. I would never admit it in another situation. She is the only person I can trust now. It's just her and me.</p><p> </p><p>I don't even realize I'm getting closer to her by the second. I get so close I can hear her breath on me. It's warm. Our noses touch lightly. It's only when our lips nearly touch that I wake from my slumber. I jump back incredulous and take some distance from her. What am I doing? I look at her in fear for a second and when I realise she's still sleeping I sigh in relief. I wouldn't want to explain what my body was thinking because not even I comprehend it. I clear my throat and I lean to hold her face in my hands. I press a kiss on her forehead. </p><p> </p><p>A thought crosses my mind. What if I had never come? Should she have killed herself at work? Keeping on going on with her destructive life? Well… I won't allow it. I am starting to think I've been sent here for a reason. What if mum wants for me to take care of her? That would totally be possible. I lie next to her, looking at her while she sleeps, for a while wondering about these things. </p><p> </p><p>But even if she doesn't mind my presence now, she will when she wakes up. I'm fairly sure of it, so I cover her with the duvet and I climb slowly off the bed. She doesn't even notice. I look at her one last time before I walk away. She keeps on sleeping as if nothing's happening. I turn off the light. </p><p> </p><p>"Night Els". I whisper and then I close the door behind my back, letting her have her deserved dose of sleep. I go back to my room and I close myself in it. My heart is still beating like a drum in my chest. What was I thinking? Have I really tried to kiss her like that? I climb on my bed and I lie there, covering myself with the duvet up to my head. I look at the ceiling with my hands on my chest and I know that even without the tapping of her fingers on the computer, I won't sleep a second tonight. </p><p>
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<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Chapter 4</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Warning: there will be depiction of violence and non con acts in this chapter. If you don't feel like it don't read. Thank you. Be safe.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
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  <b>CHAPTER 4 (Rewritten)</b>
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</p><p>I wake up drenched in sweat and panting. I moan subtly and I dry my face with the back of my pajama’s sleeve. Oh my God… I pant heavily and I press my legs together. I've had the most sensational wet dream ever. I still feel tingling all over. Hm… I close my eyes again to savor the beauty of it. I loved it. Elsa touching me, Elsa kissing me… her heated hands over my skin and her lips brushing on my skin and kissing me. Damn. I fight the urge to touch myself to start it all over. She’s gonna make me crazy. I can still breathe her fabulous smell if I concentrate enough. I can’t stop dreaming about her and her presence is even worse. I can barely contain myself. </p><p> </p><p>I know this is getting out of hand. I know this is wrong and completely and utterly undoable, but I stopped caring at some point over this two weeks she's been sick and forced at home. My brain feels so numb from having been overstimulated that I can’t think straight anymore. Literally. I've been all over her and this is the result. Raging hormones. I might have been conflicted in admitting it at the beginning, but… the truth is… I love Elsa. My mind loves her and my body definitely loves her. I know now how it sounds but it's undeniable. I always have felt somehow attracted to her, I just had to realize it. Now that I have had time to come to terms with my feelings I can see that many things of my past make sense. They fit in the picture perfectly, like a puzzle. Since the first memory I have of her, I have been fond of her, but now… it's something else entirely. I feel a pain grip my chest and a strange warmth fills me every time I think about her and it happens often lately. I feel the need to touch her, to be close to her to the point it hurts.</p><p> </p><p>That's what my mind thinks about while I lie in my bed, in my pajamas, fighting against my urges. I've been fond of her… not because she's beautiful. Well, she is but I mean… I was a child. I didn't even think of her as beautiful at the time. This is a thing I'm discovering right now. I was fond of her because even if she was so mysterious and so cold, she made me feel so safe. I used to think that she would protect me if I needed her. She was clearly not there at that time, but maybe she would now. She seems to have become that kind of person indeed. And look at me, all hot and bothered. What have I become exactly? A creep that pervs on her own sister… that’s what. </p><p> </p><p>I look at the clock on the nightstand. I need to get up for the day, do I? As much as I don't want to leave this daydreaming, life goes on. This is just a fantasy and I have to snap out of it, for my own sake. That I know… then why is it so hard? I groan and I get up to get a long shower. Maybe the freezing of the water will calm my spirits. I stand what feels to be ages under the warm water, to think and regroup. It's still early, so I have time. There’s no need to rush. I then get out of the bathroom and start to get dressed again. A pair of tight jeans and a cotton t-shirt. It's too warm in the house to wear anything else. When I’m done, I gulp down and I look at the dark silent room. </p><p> </p><p>All that I can feel is guilt. Guilt for my thoughts; guilt for the way my eyes can’t help to look at her and finally I feel guilty for having thought ill of her for all of those years. That was just my perception of her because reality was different at the time. Maybe she was a bit cold but I'm sure that she was just pretending. It took me less than a month with her to understand it. I see the truth behind her now that I look carefully. And this is not helping me. I rub the back of my neck nervously.</p><p> </p><p>She's always been so distant… so cold. I used to follow her around like a puppy and she used to ignore me. And when she left it was like something big had been ripped off from me, even if she didn't have the time to care about me much. God… she didn't even talk to me. Nor before, neither after. She was always grumpy when she was home and silent. Like a ghost. I started hating her for abandoning me and to minimize the pain I had convinced myself that she hated me too. But she didn't. Dad just molded her propention to solitude into something distant and manipulative. And now that he is not around anymore, she has somehow lost her verve. She is showing her gentle, delicate and vulnerable side little by little. And I like those sides of her. They make her more human. More approachable. Sadly, even more lovable. Now that I think of it she must have been… so unhappy when we were kids.</p><p> </p><p>But look at her now. At first I couldn't recognize her. I didn't think she would come back for me. I didn't think she would show up at the funeral and yet… here she is. So protective… so responsible… so affectionate. All qualities she has never shown of being before or at least never on the outside. This is the thing that most amazes me. Apparently the Elsa I thought would protect me as a child was not entirely a delusion of mine, after all. She was just buried under lots of layers of defensive mechanisms. How do I know? She has no reason for taking care of me. None at all. In fact I think she was so happy to be left alone all those years that Rapunzel's call for help must have been a cold shower for her. But yet she answered. </p><p> </p><p>She's not what I remember of her at all. She's smiling. She's happy. She has a life that's so fucking perfect… I mean look at how well she's grown. How beautiful and healthy and successful and smart she is. And that is what makes me so angry. Not the fact that she brought me here. Not the fact that she is not really my sister. Not the fact that she doesn't love me. None of these are the real reasons. </p><p> </p><p>The reason I'm so angry is that she was able to become this… without me. Being away from me and mum was what she needed to grow into herself apparently. I feel like I was what was stopping her from fully blooming. I was… I am… her burden. And that is not something you outgrow from.</p><p> </p><p>Look at me. I'm a mess compared to her. I have no purpose, no talent. I'm here just to… what exactly? Force her into babysitting me? That's so sad… so pitiful. I'm ashamed of myself and I can't escape from this. The thing that hurts me the most is that she has to see me like this. The most precious person to me has to witness me at a stage so low. What can I do? </p><p> </p><p>Time passes, the clock is ticking on the wall but no answer comes to me and my feet are still stuck to the ground. The only thing I know for sure is that I have to find a way to escape this living hell. She must send me home before I do something that makes her hate me. I pull back my hair, trying to find the courage to exit my room and start the day. That's the truth. That's why I want her to send me home. So I can still salvage our friendship at least, from something like the thing I was dreaming about a couple of hours ago. Something I feel I have no control on. </p><p> </p><p>This must not happen. Never. No matter how cute or how gentle or how sweet she is. She thinks of me as a sister. She would think I am a freak if she knew... No. I must be the good little sister she wants me to be. I have to try for her. But I… can I really choose? My brain and my heart and my whole being think otherwise.</p><p> </p><p>I close my eyes, listening to the silence, still standing in the room, trying to hear her sleeping. What if she needs me? But I'm conflicted. I still feel unsafe around her after what I did… I tried to do that night. I turn and look at the door. Gerda must have been here for hours. Better for me to go to search for her. That will take my thoughts away from Elsa for a couple of minutes at least. So I exit the room and I walk down the stairs. </p><p> </p><p>The kitchen light is lit in the dim shadow of an early rainy morning. I enter the room and Gerda is there, cooking as always. It's breakfast this time. I check in the pan. Eggs! How wonderful. I raise a hand to greet her and she smiles, nodding at me and acknowledging my presence. That's how we communicate. A silent mutual understanding. She takes the pan off the fire and puts my eggs on a plate. She serves me juice and toasts too. I sit to eat and she sits in front of me. </p><p> </p><p>This Gerda woman… Elsa was lucky to grow up with her. I'm sure she is the reason Elsa is still so sweet. She is a nice woman indeed. Mum-like. I feel her hand caressing my hair and I smile at her, starting to eat. We don't talk. We don't need to. We know we would embarrass each other and we wouldn't understand a word anyway. </p><p> </p><p>When I finish eating, she pulls a tray under my nose. A big cup of hot cocoa and pancakes. Elsa's comfort breakfast apparently. I grimace. She must still feel underwater for Gerda to send her this. I nod to let Gerda know I will take it to her and the woman turns to take care of something else. I pick up the tray and I start wobbling my way up to Elsa's room. I desperately try to stay focused. I've broken too many cups over this week. No need to beat my record today. </p><p> </p><p>"Vekke henne hvis hun sover, denne gangen!". Suddenly Gerda screams, still from the kitchen and I jump in fear. Man… she nearly gave me a heart attack. My brain still hasn't recovered from the scolding she's given me the day after I nearly killed Elsa. She might be nice but she's really scary when she's angry. I gulp down my guilt and I know she had been right to yell at me for what happened. She was scared. My only regret is that I didn't understand a single word she had said. I could only get some 'Elsa', thrown here and there and there is no way for me to know if she was just swearing at me or if she was planning to murder me and dump me in a pit.</p><p> </p><p>I just pull myself together, ignore whatever she’s trying to say to me and run after Elsa's room, to get away from the small, probably vengeful woman. I walk up the stairs and I stop in front of Elsa's closed room. I take a deep breath and then I knock on the door. No answer. Okay… we've been here before. I open the door with my elbow and I pull it ajar. The room that opens to me is dark and quiet. </p><p> </p><p>"Elsa? Good morning, sweetheart". I announce, whispering and waiting for an answer. I think I understood what Gerda said, but I don't really want to wake her up if she's not feeling like it. But what I find is that she's already awake. One of her blue eyes stares at me from under the pillow. Feral and glistening like the one of a dangerous beast. I can see it sparkle from the light I'm forcing into the room, keeping the door open. "I have brought you breakfast". I murmur.</p><p> </p><p>"Headache… leave". She breathes and her tone is menacing. She already seems enraged. She hasn't slept tonight as the nights before. It's clear. I chuckle and I don't listen to her. She’s just playing tough as always. I enter Elsa's room and I close the door behind me, sighing in relief, when we are finally alone in silence and darkness. Damn… I’ve been waiting for this moment since I opened up my eyes this morning. I close my eyes and I breathe in her scent for a second. I love this. My heart immediately starts to dance a crazy dance.</p><p> </p><p>"I can't leave without making sure you’ll eat. Gerda would kill me". I say, but that’s just an excuse. I walk to her bed, placing the tray on her nightstand before climbing next to her. My eyes immediately get used to the light and I finally see her in the dim dark. I hear a faint laugh and, upon checking, I find out Elsa is smiling. Unkempt hair, barely open eyes and sleepy look. She has her bandage still wrapped on her head, but other than that she must have taken a shower this morning because she wears a new pajama and she's all clean. I smell fresh mint in the air. "What? What is so funny?". I ask, my voice is still carefully subtle as not to hurt her. She gets rid of her pillow and makes herself noticeable. </p><p> </p><p>"Are you still scared of Gerda?". She asks back, as if she's read my mind. Am I that readable? I look at her in embarrassment and from the way she glances at me and smiles I get that… yes, I am. "She whooped your ass". She says, chuckling amusedly and surprising me for her peculiar choice of words. </p><p> </p><p>"Elsa! Language!". I exclaim and she explodes into a fit of hurtful laughs, but then, as karma notices, she grimaces in pain, holding her head. Ha! That's what you deserve! "Whooped, really? What are these words coming out from you, uh? That concussion hit you worse than planned". I ask, lying next to her and resting my head on the next pillow. Elsa still keeps on smiling, looking at me. Her mood is slowly improving now that I am here, I am noticing. I think the whooping I endured was a good entertainment for her. </p><p> </p><p>"<em> You </em> hit me worse than planned”. She answers and she doesn’t even need to think about the way it could sound to me. I blush. "It’s clearly your fault. Being around you is having a bad influence on me and my language. I'm learning new terms that I didn’t even know the existence of". She jokes and I roll my eyes. "Even Gerda is finding new words to scold you, you know? They are getting quite creative lately”. She says and I immediately start to ask. She shakes her head as if she’s read my mind one time more. “I don't think I should translate". She confesses. "Gerda might be harsh sometimes, but I know she already regrets it. So let's leave it at that so no one feels offended and no one needs to apologize". </p><p> </p><p>"Oh! Oh!". I yell accusingly, throwing my hands in the air, offended. "You’re defending her and not me again! She probably said horrible things to me, right? Will you leave it at that?". She shrugs, smiling sardonically. She has this playful side hidden inside her. Hidden really deep down, but sometimes… a lot of times actually I seem to be able to push it out. It’s cute but I’ll never admit it in front of her and I’ll always not smile at her lovely jokes. "Cool! Totally cool! Yeah, mate… what a sister you are! And you dare call yourself family!". I snap and she smiles evilly.</p><p> </p><p>"Oh, now I'm your sister, am I?". She jokes, lowering her gaze, embarrassed. But even if for her it's a joke, I feel the punch directly in my guts. I grimace and freeze in silence. "And for the record, yeah… I'm defending her. Sometimes you need a whooping". She intercepts pointing vaguely at her forehead. "I, from personal experience, know that her scolding is gonna be more effective than mine. Not knowing what she threatened you with is fearful enough to keep you in line for a while. Just play with it". I pout and she beams as she won. </p><p> </p><p>"You are evil". I accuse and she shrugs happily.</p><p> </p><p>"Never said otherwise, baby girl". She retorts, booping my nose and we look at each other for a while. Her eyes are darker today. A profound blue, that makes me worry I’ll get lost in them. They even seem bigger than usual. I get comfortable with my head on the pillow and she does the same, sighing contentedly. "Now… Gerda is staying all day, so no need to rush the breakfast, is there? We can eat in a second. I’m sure she won’t mind waiting for a while. Get comfortable and…”. She stops for a second, looking at me nervously. “…comfort me, maybe? I need some cuddling". She asks and I feel my heart melt. Oh… my baby. She’s slowly opening to me. Like… really slowly and that’s what makes this kind of request even more surprising. I want to nod without any hint of hesitation, but I think of a better option.</p><p> </p><p>"I shouldn't stay since I'm such a bad influence for you". I say, accusingly, brushing her pale blonde hair back behind her ear and in the meantime caressing her cheek with my fingers. She’s too warm. Nearly feverish. She begs me with her puppy eyes and I sigh. How could I ever say no to her? The game is over even before starting. "Ok… I'm staying, but so you know… well… I don't like it that you love Gerda more than me. It's unfair''. I confess and she scoots a bit closer to me, smiling. She flinches in pain again and this worries me.</p><p> </p><p>I take her head in my hands, holding her still and looking at her bandage carefully. What if the stitches opened? She must be in so much pain. My poor sweetheart. After minutes of inspection I convince myself that she's fine. The bandage seems clean. No blood whatsoever. I consider myself satisfied. In all this she doesn't move an inch as if she's petrified, waiting for me to do whatever I plan to do. She seems terrified and that amuses me, so, when I notice, I smile at her and place a peck right above her left eye and she has to close it. She looks at me as if she's trying to solve a puzzle, then she shakes her head and gets back on track. </p><p> </p><p>"Man, she must be really a good soul if you haven't fired her yet. All I know of her is that she’s freaking scary when she’s angry and that she cheats at playing cards. Not the best of resumés". Mine is just a joke, I even chuckle to prove it. That’s not what I think, but her eyes snap open as if she didn't hear right what I said. As if I said something horrible. Her reaction makes me feel uneasy.</p><p> </p><p>"That's… very mean of you to say”. She breathes and my heart sinks in my stomach from the pained tone she uses to scold me. She’s not angry… she is disappointed. “Oh Anna. I couldn't… I could never fire Gerda and if I must be honest I wouldn’t either way". She chuckles nervously and as I look at her questioningly she sighs. "She's not just a maid. She's family and you don't go fire family. You must respect her. Don’t say this kind of thing in front of her. You might really hurt her feelings and I don’t want you to hurt her. You two shouldn’t fight". She scolds and my eyebrows nearly touch in confusion. </p><p> </p><p>"What now? Are you gonna tell me she's an actual family member?". I ask in confusion and she nods, confirming. "Like an old aunt no one talks about or… oh my god! Is she papa’s new wife? That would explain a lot actually… the way she treats you…”. The way Elsa cares for her! Elsa chuckles and shakes her head no as if it would be impossible. </p><p> </p><p>"Well… no, Anna, baby. She's my nanny”. Elsa says as if it’s the most obvious thing in the world and my eyebrows snap up in confusion. </p><p> </p><p>“She’s… your nanny”. I repeat, deadpanning stupidly. I look at her seriously to understand if I heard her right and apparently I did, because she beams with her gentle reassuring smile. “Ok… yeah. So?”.</p><p> </p><p>“So… She raised me". She answers as if this explains everything but it doesn't. My eyebrows snap even higher. "She takes care of me… of the house and now of you. She's my mum. I can't get rid of her". I look at her in confusion, desperately trying to follow her line of thoughts, but failing. I genuinely don’t understand how she can say that the nanny is her mum. I noticed they had a special bond, but I could have never imagined Elsa would be really that fond of her! To that extent nonetheless. This I didn't expect. For Elsa to be so attached to someone. That's new for me. If someone asked the child me, I would have probably answered that she was unable to love anyone ever. Guess I would have been wrong. Also the way she says it… it hurts a little. It’s so sad… </p><p> </p><p>"Well… calm down drama queen". I intercept, scoffing. I feel wounded. She’s never shown this much care for me or for any member of our family. What does Gerda have that I don’t? "I was joking". She sighs in relief as if she has been saved. Is this so important to her? For real? "Why are you so protective of her? You defend her… even at my expenses! Are you saying she's more family than me? That's what you're saying?". She turns to look at me, her eyes grow worried. </p><p> </p><p>"No… you're missing the point". She says calmly. "I would say she's as much family as you are in fact. And I would fire neither of you". She smiles at her own stupid joke. I raise my eyes in exasperation, unimpressed.</p><p> </p><p>"Funny". I scoff, still feeling the sour taste of rejection and jealousy in my mouth. She keeps on giggling as if her joke was hilarious. "What were mum and dad thinking when they took you in? You have a strange sense of humor and also the way you pledge loyalty to people is contorted. That’s not how family works, you must know that. And your nanny is not family. She is an employee. The way you see family is weird". I lament and she laughs. </p><p> </p><p>"For starters that's not very nice to say… I'm not a stray cat, I am a person. They didn't take me in, they adopted me". She begins gently, never abandoning her pleased smile, raising her index. Then she raises her medium. "And if we must say the real truth, your way of seeing family is also strange". She says, smiling at me and I shake my head. I’m not offended, but I’m starting to feel restless. I don’t really like this topic. I’m not an expert of families and I never felt at ease talking about it. I want for my beliefs to not be mined by her smug face, thank you very much.</p><p> </p><p>"How can my way of seeing family be weird?". I argue, trying to win this argument with the only weapon I have. Words. Lots of them. Maybe I can confound her enough to let her drop the argument. "I mean… family is someone that takes you in and feeds you; someone you are blood related with; someone that’s written in your family status… or all of them together. That's the conventional way of seeing family. That's actually how dictionaries put it, you know… it's the standard. That's not strange. That’s normal". She looks at me and her eyebrows furrow. </p><p> </p><p>"For me it is a bit strange though". She insists. "I grew up alone, Anna. I have never known my real parents. I have no one who’s actually blood related to me”. Elsa explains. “Yes… I have you now, but that doesn’t mean I can’t make a family out of the people I care for even if we are not family in a technical way. I have always lived with the idea that family is the people you love or love you, Anna. You don't need anything else to make a family". I scoff. Elsa talking about love. Her! That's ridiculous! She notices my indignant retort and sighs, defeated.</p><p> </p><p>“So… what you mean to say is that the way you choose family is completely arbitrary”. I say and she purses her lips. “That’s what you’re saying. So… if a family member doesn’t love you or you don’t love them they can be cancelled from your family list? That’s ridiculous. At this point, if I don’t want you to be my family can I just… erase you?”. Elsa seems hurt from my words but she doesn’t snap. I think my intentions though were of some other kind of nature. It’s not like I want to erase her per se, but what I want for us is a different kind of family. That I can’t tell, so I have to look at her take the hit without a word. She gulps, bites her lips and at the end… she shakes her head.  </p><p> </p><p>"You are missing the point again. That's our difference, you know...". She announces, calling for my attention. "That's why we fight". She insists confidently and then she caresses my cheek gently with the back of her hand. Have we? Have we ever really fought? Why was I not aware of it? "We have completely different ways of living”. She explains. “And that's why I can't be part of your family but you can be part of mine. You might erase me all you want but I do care for you and I won’t abandon you not even if you ask me to. Not even if we are years and lands apart. That’s how I see family Anna. I don't care if we are not blood related. You are my sister". She says smiling and booping my nose. I immediately blush at the implication. So… she's saying she loves me? I gasp, incredulous, cross my harms and push against the bedpost in embarrassment, unable to speak further. She chuckles at my reaction. </p><p> </p><p>"That's what dad taught you?". I retort venomously and she chuckles.</p><p> </p><p>"No… that's what I taught myself out of necessity". It's her response. "Mind me: papa was… a shy man. He wasn’t really fond of drama or feelings, for that matter, but you would be surprised at how lovely and caring he was. He just didn’t know how to show it”. Elsa explains, reminiscing a man I remember as cold and cruel. Not exactly the same way of seeing things. She notices my reticency and chuckles. “If only you knew what I know… You probably don’t know how I came to be in your family, but I can assure you that, would have been a choice for mum to make, I would probably still be an orphan right now". And those words hit me hard like a rock. What is she saying of my mum? I look at her as if she’s just stabbed me, but she doesn’t seem to notice. She is… sadly right. I don't remember much of dad, but mum surely would have said: 'no blood, no family'. That's what she made me grow up with. After dad left her this had been her motto, even if I don't really understand why. But that doesn't mean I will let her talk shit about a dead woman.</p><p> </p><p>She reads the silence at some point, as smart as she is, so she stops talking, while I watch her, trying to figure her out. I mean… our relationship was a disaster after another. She should be furious at me, yelling and stuff but she isn't. She sits there, smiling, joking, talking about love as if nothing happened and I can't really imagine why. Is she that patient or is this just her way to make me feel worse? This only makes me want to sulk in bed. Why is this woman so incomprehensible? Time passes slowly and I watch the clock, from time to time to be sure this won't tire her too much, but the time flies and she doesn't seem to be budged by it. She lies there in silence and we look at each other, satisfied by our own presence. </p><p> </p><p>"Why don't you tell me? How you came into being in my family?". I ask casually, pointing at the clock and she shakes her head calmly, surprising me. "Why not?". Her eyes become unfocused and she sighs while her lips become a thin line. </p><p> </p><p>“It’s not… a nice story to tell”. She confesses. “If I say something more than I should, there is no way I won’t spoil you the reason why our parents got divorced and I don’t want to remember that”. I look at her out of surprise now. Why is she talking about this all of a sudden? Is it her fault? I don’t think so… I mean, she’d been living with us since forever at that time. She was there even before I came around. I frown and now I’m really curious to know what’s going on in that mind of hers. </p><p> </p><p>“Tell me”. I order and she shakes her head again, serious as death. </p><p> </p><p>"I don't feel quite well now, Anna. Could we drop the topic please?". She confesses gently. Oh… fantastic! She’s using the trump card against me now! "I got an headache and I haven't slept all night, so… I thought we could spend some quality time together today, instead of re-enacting the inquisition, while I try to recover. What do you think about it? Peaceful and quiet sulking?". She actually doesn't seem to have slept an ounce. Her eyes are circled and puffy and all that red makes her eyes more blue if it's possible. "I need quiet… really quiet". She mumbles, massaging her temples, with suffering in her eyes. "My head is killing me". </p><p> </p><p>"Ok, ok… quiet, I got it”. I whisper, toning down my volume again and she nods. I do want to talk about it, but if she feels the need to ask for a timeout to avoid it, well… maybe it’s not something I want to hear. “I'm so sorry for it, Elsa. I didn't want to hurt you". I confess and she seems to believe me because she nods convincingly. </p><p> </p><p>"I know. Don't worry". She touches my hand with her fingers and immediately retracts them. Her smile reassures me a bit and I try to mimic her but my smile is more of a grimace full of guilt. "If we want to think about it, it was some kind of lucky event for us. Not that bad at all, rather good actually. If you hadn’t knocked me out that night I would have been forced to go to work and now we wouldn’t have time to spend together. And I must admit I don’t mind having more time with you at all. I want to build… something with you, if you understand me. Something that goes beyond the simple concept of sisters, if I can. Something that resembles more… of a friendship. Would you like that?". She asks and I don't fail to notice how she seems conflicted and unsure when she says ‘friendship’ that way. I immediately think she’s just lying to impress me. What fun could we have together after what happened? But then a thought… a single thought breaches my mind. The way she hesitates makes me realise… Oh-my-God! What if she's implying… not a friendship at all but something else? Not sisters?</p><p> </p><p>I try to read behind the lines of that sentence because it makes no sense to me. Why would she want to be my friend? Isn’t it enough that we are stuck in this limbo-like hellish surrogate of family? Why would she want even more than that? What is she trying to build here? And then that subtle realisation strucks me. I curse myself for being so stupid. Why didn't I think about it sooner? This is a trap! Did she see it? The stupid thing I tried to do that night? The nearly kiss… No… she was sleeping, wasn't she? But what if she actually saw? Is she testing me right now to see if I’m really that pure as I claim to be? She could be totally doing this and I think she would find it amusing, if else. She would find it… easy, most of all and I could do nothing to stop her from toying with me. Is this her contorted way to punish me? Let me think she’s interested in something else with me and watch me go all crazy about it? I swallow and suddenly feel that I'm no longer safe here. </p><p> </p><p>But she wants to spend time with me… she seemed sincere about that. What kind of punishment is this? Wait… what if she… did like it? What if what she’s saying is that she wants to be more…? Friendship would be a step, wouldn’t it? I look at her in horror. The only thought of having been discovered sends my mind in overdrive. I don't really care to know if my suppositions are true or if I’m being delusional. I just feel I need to get the hell out of here now. I suddenly feel caged and I need space from her to get my mind working again. I start to get up. No, no. This can’t happen.</p><p> </p><p>"I feel like I haven't spent with you the time you deserved since you've arrived. That's all on me. I shouldn't have ignored you. I'm sorry." She says, but seeing me retracting, she frowns. “Why do you look like I’m scaring the hell out of you right now? Did I say something that offended you?”. She asks, chuckling, but I swallow and look at my fingers without answering. </p><p> </p><p>"Elsa...". I try, but I don't have the courage to address the matter so I try to do the most simple thing. Flee. "I think you might not be feeling well and I don't want to keep you from getting your deserved rest, so... I think I'll go back to my room and leave you to your sleep. Call me when you feel better, okay?". Elsa looks at me in confusion. I'm sure she's analyzing me right now because she tightens her lips and doesn't seem happy at all. I think she noticed I’m trying to escape from this situation.</p><p> </p><p>"I'm ok, Anna. No need to worry". She assures. "Stay, please. I know I’m asking a lot from you right now, but there is no need to go. If you don’t want to bond, that’s okay”. She insists gently, immediately catching the innuendo. “We can just stay silent and eat the breakfast you brought, together. What do you say about it?". She asks hopingly, keeping me still, holding my wrist with her hand. It’s not like she’s leaving me any other choice than accepting.</p><p> </p><p>"I'm not really that hungry."</p><p> </p><p>"Nonsense. Please stay". She says and as she gets seated and then up. She points for me to pass the tray to her. I look between her and the door. Her voice is authoritative and I don't feel like disappointing her, but I really do feel the need to get out of here now. So what do I do? At the end I obey, sitting the tray on her legs, but before I can excuse myself and run away, she takes the chocolate cup and looks at me expectantly. “Take it… Gerda does the best cocoa ever, you know…”. As the woman hands it to me I know I'll make a mess. Fantastic. Elsa then points at it commandingly. "Drink it". I sip the now warm liquid while she looks at me insistently. </p><p> </p><p>“Fine. But then I’ll really have to go. I have got… things to figure out”. I gulp down in silence with big eyes. How did I get myself into this mess? I feel like she's about to talk about the elephant in the room and when she opens her mouth I feel like dying.</p><p> </p><p>"Ok, Anna…". She says. “But before you go…”. Oh my God… here we go. Chocolate makes me gag and I start to cough but I can't but groan in answer. "I want to talk with you about a serious matter. Something I’ve been analyzing for quite a while now and I find it crucial to clarify with you. Will you listen to me?". </p><p> </p><p>Please, earth swallow me whole…</p><p> </p><p>"Y-yes…". She crosses her fingers and stares at me dead in the eye. I feel the weight of what she's trying to tell me and I don't like it. Not because I don't want to be uncovered… Maybe that too. But mostly because I don't know what is crossing her mind. </p><p> </p><p>"You were right". She says and I look at her in confusion. My insides are hurting painfully. Was I? "I shouldn't have made a deal with Rapunzel without talking to you. That was low of me, not to consider your feelings about this and I'm sorry. I've been thinking about it lately, trying to find a solution and I think I've come up with something". She explains. "A proposal, if you wish". I look at her like she slapped me. What? Oh my God… that was it? This is not exactly what I was expecting but it makes me sigh in relief. Man, she was that close. As always my suppositions were wrong. Uff… thank you. I should stop thinking. "Wanna hear it?". She asks and opens her hands. I nod.</p><p> </p><p>"Oh, ehm… sure. Speak your mind". I intercept immediately and without hesitation. She seems satisfied about my reaction. Point is I don’t really care about this topic anymore. It was not really my choice to make. I was just angry for Rapunzel’s silence. Well… I still am to some degree. But it surprises me that Elsa has taken our discussion at heart so much she has been thinking about it this whole time. I thought it was clear that we are cool with it. But apparently she did not. I don’t like that she burdens herself with this kind of thoughts. As if the fault of what happened is totally on her. It was not. She had been really nice about it.</p><p> </p><p>"I know you don't want to be here. I've had that feeling since the beginning". She begins calmly. And I gulp down the guilt I didn't know I was hiding. How can I tell her what my real thoughts are? She seems so hurt. "So I thought of a drastic solution that may satisfy the both of us". I try to retort, but she shuts my lips pressing her finger on them, to keep me silent. "I will buy you a house". She says and I look at her not really understanding where she wanna go with this.</p><p> </p><p>“A house…”. I chuckle, bewildered. "What do you mean a house? A… a real house?". I ask incredulously and she looks at the remnants of her breakfast. I can see the wheels in her head work feverishly and when she’s sure about what she’s gonna say, she nods, damn serious about it.</p><p> </p><p>"I think it's pretty much clear now that I won't be able to send you home in the near future. Since Rapunzel is so busy. So, if you bear with me for the next two months and a half I was thinking of rewarding you. Since you don't wanna live with me and I can't force you to stay, I thought that you could go… your own way at some point if you want to". She says but I still feel lost. "I will buy you a house, nearby". She specifies. "So you will be alone, but still in reach if you need me. So I can still take care of you. The only difference will be that you won't have to see my  facuglye every day". Oh my god…  </p><p> </p><p>"You want me out". I say outraged. This is the only thing that my brain understands. My brain is screaming: she’s sick of you! It means nothing to me that Elsa shakes her head to reassure me. My thoughts have taken that turn and nothing will move them otherwise. “I can’t believe you want me out! I thought we were doing great… What did I do to upset you? Well… apart from the accident… I…”. I start panicking and it shows. I’m rambling. She places a hand on my arm to calm me down.</p><p> </p><p>"I want you to be happy, Anna. I don't want you out, that's the problem and keeping you at least at reach is the only option I can think of to compromise with you". She insists. "You will have your space, but only if you promise me you will show me you can live like a responsible adult until you turn eighteen. At that point we will choose a nice home for you. So you won't be forced to go home, miles away from me and also you will be able to live your own life without the need of Rapunzel to take care of you. I thought that that would make both of us happy. Wouldn’t it?". She explains. "You will be free to do whatever you want to do. No limitations but those common sense implies". This is way better than what I thought the discussion would be about. And also scarier. She wants me out and I can't really understand if she's fed up with me or if she really cares about my feelings. This might be the trickiest of traps she has set for me until now. </p><p> </p><p>"A house…". I repeat. "You want to buy me a big whole house, just because you and Rapunzel had to decide who had to take my custody?". She confirms, leaving me incredulous. She seems to feel guilty about that, but is it really enough to come to a deal like this after all? "Doesn’t it seem too much to you?”. I ask and she shrugs. “Wait… wherever I want it?". I ask and she seems torn by the question. She taps with her fingers on the tray, thinking about it. This conversation seems to be turning out to be difficult for her as much as it is for me.  </p><p> </p><p>"Well… no. Not wherever. You must stay close for me to reach you easily if something happens, since you will still be under my protection, but… other than that, yeah… you choose". I look at her maybe too long and in silence. She seems sincere and willing to dialogue and that's the most open to me I've ever perceived her, so… the laugh that follows is a relieved one. I touch my heart in my chest that still beats furiously. "I hope you forgive me for what happened… I’m really really sorry, Anna". She tries to say, but I dismiss her with a hand, stopping her rambling immediately. </p><p> </p><p>"Yeah, yeah, ok". I laugh, shaking my head. "No". I say and she seems surprised about it. "I mean, yeah… I'll forgive you". I say and she sighs in relief. "But, no. I don't want a house…". She looks at me as if a second head suddenly has grown on my neck. </p><p> </p><p>"What do you mean? You don't want to make a deal with me?". She warns and I scoff incredulously, making a face.</p><p> </p><p>"I don't need to". I intercept. "A house…". I say, opening my hands as if this is already enough to show her how crazy all of this conversation sounds. "Are you nuts? I'm not worth a house. It's too much".</p><p> </p><p>"I thought you wanted your freedom back…". She says in confusion. "Mind me, I don't care if you want to go, but you seemed so damn sure… and I have no other solution to your problem than that. There's no other way out. So you decide carefully". </p><p> </p><p>"Well… I'm pretty sure I don't want a house". That's my answer and she swallows, conflicted. She doesn't seem happy at all that I ruined her precious fabulous idea. She pouts and her eyebrows nearly touch in concentration. My mind chuckles. I want you, you idiot. That's my problem. What I need is to be far away from you so I will stop feeling what I feel. But would that really help?</p><p> </p><p>"Then what do you want me to do? I have no other solution… Do you want me to go? To leave you alone? I can do that… I have another apartment in Oslo, now that I think of it. I don't like it much but...". She says as if she's read my mind. She looks at her hands as if she's trying to find another solution and then I finally touch her. The first real willing contact I want to make with her. She turns to look at me in surprise. I hold her cold thin but delicate hand in mine and I sigh, trying to find the words I really want for her to hear. </p><p> </p><p>"No one has to go. I have been an asshole". And that's it. This is the most sincere I can be. She doesn't move, doesn't talk. She seems stuffed like a toy. "I've been putting too much pressure on you and… I might have done it on purpose to see if you… cared about me. You know?". I ask in embarrassment, glancing at her without actually looking at her in her eyes. But she still doesn't move and I don't know what kind of reaction that is. I don't know how to react myself. "I know it's stupid. I didn't know if I could believe you and I played with you. I'm sorry". I murmur and she thinks about it. "I want to stay".</p><p> </p><p>"So… you don't want to go? For real?". She asks to clarify. Is this the only thing she can think about after a confession like that? She must be angry, not scared. I clean my throat.</p><p> </p><p>"No…". I suggest making a face. "Well… I still miss home, but I don't feel like I wanna go back now. Seen that Rapunzel is getting married and stuff. Also she lied to me and I don't feel like confronting her soon". She releases a small trembling, reassured sigh. "Also… I find myself pretty comfortable here with you, actually. I wouldn't want to leave". </p><p> </p><p>"Oh…". She sings quietly and nods to herself as if to try and get convinced about it. I can see the wheels in her head turning while she thinks. </p><p> </p><p>"That's it? Oh?". I ask surprised and out of curiosity and she simply nods. </p><p> </p><p>"That's good news, Anna". She says, genuinely impressed. "This solves lots of complications". She says smiling. "What made you change your mind?". That's a question I didn't expect. I can't tell her she revealed to be more reliable than I initially estimated. I can't even say what I feel for her. So I shrug vaguely, hoping she won't ask further. "Thank you, Anna. I really appreciate your collaboration". She starts. "I think this could be a good beginning for us. At least we got to talk...". I nod.</p><p> </p><p>"Sure thing". I say, starting to drink her chocolate again. Man this was stressful. She smiles… a big hearty smile and then she winches in pain, touching her forehead. I look at her in worry, as I always do when she does that, but she shakes her head. She nods and runs out quiet. "Elsa, for how much it might be worth, I trust you". I concede and she seems damn happy about it. </p><p> </p><p>"Do you mean it?". She asks incredulously and I nod. I have to start from somewhere. Why not from this? She smiles and crosses her fingers in contemplation. "I won't let you down then. I will give my best". Oh, she already is… at least from my point of view. We look at each other smiling and then she starts eating some of the pancakes, with her fork. Small bites. Her hunger is back in town and her eyes are still on me. I can't hold her gaze for too long so I lower my eyes and pull a tuft of my hair behind my ear. We keep eating in silence. </p><p> </p><p>"How come you never get angry?". This question comes out of me on it's own volition before I can stop it. "I mean, sometimes you don't react like a normal person would. You are strangely stoic most of the time…". I don't have the courage to say that I think there's something unsettling in the way she is always so damn calm. I don't think it’s healthy to never be enraged. It's as if she’s trying to bottle up everything wrong with her at all times. Is she doing this to not upset me?</p><p> </p><p>"Do you want the truth?". She asks and I confirm. She shows me a sad smile. She licks then bites her lips gently, then her gaze becomes unfocused. "Well… since we are in the mood for confessions… when I first was forced to come here I didn't like it either". She starts biting her lips. "I hated this damn country as much as you did the first days. But I had to endure it. No one was as nearly as complacent as I am with you. Dad was never here and at the beginning he always left me with grandpa…".</p><p> </p><p>"Did you meet grandpa? Really?". I ask out of curiosity. She confirms with a nod. A sad one. I don’t think she likes this conversation much, but as long as she’s okay with sharing I’m not gonna stop her. Maybe she needs to talk about it after all. "I've never seen him. Never even heard of him. What kind of person was he?".</p><p> </p><p>"The kind you don't want in your house". She says calmly, not looking at me. "He was… strict and insufferable. He didn’t talk much but when he did… well… He had the same concept of family you have, but he was very loud about it. I think he didn’t like me much, but I’m fairly sure he would have loved you. Blood, you know". Blood, yes. Oh! Oh, no. Wait… does she mean? That since she was not blood related…  </p><p> </p><p>"Oh…". I grumble, my eyebrows narrowing. I feel myself growing worried and angry. A weight sits on my stomach now that I think that he might have scared her. "Did… did he hurt you?". I dare ask and she shrugs, vaguely and uninterested. Oh… if he did! I… I… I will have to google how to kill a dead man again. </p><p> </p><p>"No more than the others". It's the quiet answer. "Then he got sick. Maybe he was too fed up with me and screaming, I don’t know, but he announced he couldn't take care of me anymore and so Gerda was called. Let me say that you are very lucky to be meeting her now. She has changed over the years. She’s become softer. When I was young she was… stricter than she's now. She never played cards with me. She yelled at me so much I actually learned the language". She says and she chuckles at the memory, but it's not really funny, is it? </p><p> </p><p>"That's why you don't get angry with me?". I ask. "You don't want to make me suffer the things you did?". She says no with her head.</p><p> </p><p>"Living in a house like this ultimately makes you really patient". Is her calm, relaxed answer. "There is no need to get angry, you know? You are a good girl and that shows. Maybe you are a bit clumsy sometimes, but I don't care what you do or how you do it. Until you kill something out of spite, I think we can call ourselves even". </p><p> </p><p>"Wait, what?". I ask incredulously. "Are you talking from experience? What did you kill?". </p><p> </p><p>"What makes you think I was talking about myself?". She asks and then points at her forehead. Oh… I thought that was too of a specific matter to be unrelated to anything. I pout. </p><p> </p><p>"I didn't want to kill you". I immediately say, mortified and she nods.</p><p> </p><p>"That's why I'm not angry". She says smiling. Hm… she always has the answer ready. It’s like she guesses my answers even before I think of them. She's too quick-witted to be taken by surprise. At least by me, as a matter of fact. I don’t really know how to compete. After a second of silence I sit closer to her and she looks at me as if she didn't expect it. It makes me happy to know that if I can’t take her by surprise with my words, at least I can with my actions. </p><p> </p><p>"Were you really gonna buy me a house?". I ask, amazed, and she nods without hesitation. I smile shyly at her, brushing a strand of red hair behind my ear again. I know acting all flirtatious won't sort the effect I want, but she smiles back and she leans her head on her wrist, pressing her elbow on the tray. That's more than I hoped to get. "How… did you plan on paying for a whole house?". I ask and she turns to look at her breakfast without the slightest interest. She finally finishes it, puts her tray away and starts lying on the bed exhausted. She covers herself up to her chin. </p><p> </p><p>"With money". Is her answer, completely void of emotion and I look at the wall unimpressed… again. My eyes can't express how much stupid and exasperated I feel right now. I never thought she would become this playful and I didn't think it would be at my own expenses. With money, tsk!</p><p> </p><p>"Sassy… aren't  you?". I ask and also my voice is monotone and inexpressive.  She chuckles. I think this game is amusing her more than she lets out. She doesn't even need to think about the next answer she's gonna give me. She knows. As always. She just smiles, pulling at her fingers.</p><p> </p><p>"I could also pay with a check, if the idea of physical money repels you". She keeps on going. I force back a laugh. This woman! She doesn't really know when to stop, does she? Oh, but I'm gonna show her! I uncover her with force and she looks at me in confusion, chuckling. She curls up with a mocking grin printed on her face. She shows me her teeth. I think she can’t hide her smile this time or she would have.</p><p> </p><p>"You think you are so smart, don't you?". I ask, and I start tickling her on her waist. She jumps and starts trashing and laughing. The way she laughs is so beautiful. Her pristine teeth and the blue of her glistening eyes makes my belly warm. "Stop making fun of me! This is the last warning!". I exclaim.</p><p> </p><p>"Or else?". She asks, smiling in a challenging way. Or else… Is she provoking me? Of course she is… she’s been since the beginning. I’m just too dumb to notice immediately. I look at her in silence. We stare at each other. She's smiling and something in my head is telling me that she knows. She knows what I did that night. What I wanted to do. What I want to do now. I bite my lips gently. What if she really is playing this game with me? What would be the odds? </p><p> </p><p>"Elsa?". I ask, pressing my heated hands on her partially uncovered belly as I sit next to her. She looks at me, lying there all dispelled and panting from too much laughing. Her beautiful blonde hair sprawled all over. The mood in the room goes from playful to silent in a second. The tension could be cut with a knife, so dense it is. I caress her stomach gently with my thumb and she looks at me still smiling in confusion and I lick my lips, trying to convince my brain and my heart to collaborate. That spark of confusion makes me rethink my moves. Is she just playing dumb or she's really oblivious?</p><p> </p><p>"Hmm?". She asks casually, announcing that she's listening to me. She’s still looking at me in the dim light of the room. Her blue eyes scan my every action.</p><p> </p><p>"Has anyone ever told you that you are really beautiful when you smile?". I ask and she looks at me with a certain surprise, curiosity and perplexity in her eyes. Then she smirks. </p><p> </p><p>"Well… yeah". She confesses, caressing my cheek gently. Her soft and gentle fingers trace the contour of my jaw. "But it was never someone worthy, you know". She jokes. "I do accept your compliment though. If it comes from my sister there must be some truth to it. Right?". She says looking at me affectionately. And that’s it. That’s what makes my heart roll in happiness. And that’s also what makes me want to go with the next move. The way she looks at me is just too complacent to be ignorant. And I really want to kiss her right now. I feel my legs and hands start to tremble from fear and excitement. Should I? Something tells me not to try for it, but she’s so damn beautiful. I do… I do want to. Silence falls between us, while I try to decide what to do. She gets comfortable with her head on the pillow and then she opens her arms to me. My eyes snap open. Oh, my God is she…? "Come here". She whispers.</p><p> </p><p>I think at this point my brain stops functioning. If I had been at least a little bit in myself I would have gotten that she simply wants a hug. Strange for her to ask and that would be probably why she’s blushing furiously right now. Not really her cup of tea. She probably just wants for me to get used to her presence. To get me comfortable with something she thinks will make me feel secure. She’s just using the mood to her advantage. But my brain… my brain doesn’t see any of this. My brain just reads what it wants to and given the slightest occasion it goes full red and the only thing that it answers is: DO IT! DAMN DO IT! DO IT NOW! In capital letters.</p><p> </p><p>Who am I to say no to that? Blinded by my drumming heart in my chest and by my own emotions I let my hormones take total control over me and I launch myself in her arms. What I think she didn’t expect is the fact that I don't even try to hug her. I don't care for that. I go for a direct hit, instead and I grab her face into my hands. I hold her still as I press my lips passionately on hers.  </p><p>
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  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>And that's how we leave for the holidays a couple of weeks! The mourn will be back late in August! Hope you enjoyed the story so far. Let me know. See you soon. Be safe and happy.</p>
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<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Chapter 5</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Warning: there will be depiction of violence and non con acts in this chapter. If you don't feel like it don't read. Thank you. Be safe.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
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  <b>CHAPTER 5 (Rewritten)</b>
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</p><p>Oh my God. I can't believe I'm really doing this. </p><p> </p><p>What is wrong with me?</p><p> </p><p>In the dimly lit and silent room I consume my delict. I feel my heart growing in size as I kiss her, breathing heavily. I press against her and I feel her moaning in surprise as her breath gets caught in her throat. I feel like I'm burning up now as I pin my feet on the mattress as I try to get more friction against her body. It's a good kind of burning though. A fulfilling one. I finally feel sated, even happy. </p><p> </p><p>I keep on kissing her lips, even biting them, before I pull away, incredulous and confused. Oh… God. I groan in pleasure. I feel like I’ve been crossed by lightning. I close my eyes and I savor her on the tip of my lips. My eyes are unfocused, my breath uneven and my ears are ringing. The kiss lasts no more than a second, but it feels like ages in my mind and it's enough for me to get addicted. This is what I want. This is what I've been craving for all this time. Her lips are so soft and smooth and they taste like maple syrup. My heart keeps on beating fast. I still feel out of breath. And I feel immediately guilty when I realize… I did like it. Oh God, no. No... I cover my eyes, trying to cope with the awful thing I just did and to cover my eyes already glistening with tears. I swallow them down and when I open back my eyes, I see the way she looks at me.</p><p> </p><p>Even in the dim light I can see her red, heated face and the puffy cheeks and the sultry way she looks at me, while she tries to catch her breath back. Her lips are gently pulled apart. I shouldn’t think she’s this beautiful in a moment like this, but I do. She’s gorgeous and I keep on staring at her to impress the image of her in my brain. That's not exactly what I was expecting. She's not disgusted… she's not angry… she is surprised. Her eyes are big as plates. She even grimaces in perplexity. As we stay still as statues, the sound of the rain that’s pouring outside fills the room.</p><p> </p><p>I'm still laying on her for the most part, but she nonetheless finds a way to take her distance from me and to look at me. Damn… what did I do? Her confusion is palpable and so is mine. She stares at me like I am a rubik’s cube to solve. Like I've gone mental to be totally sincere. I thought she wanted it, but now that I have calmed down, I know it was all in my head. How could I be so stupid? We stay still and silent for seconds, looking at each other, trying to figure out what is happening. Her eyes are fixed on me. Those enormous ice blue orbs are reading my soul and I’m scared to stop looking at her in fear she will find the courage and scold me. </p><p> </p><p>At some point, in that silent battle of eyes, I start to regret it. And also, the weight of what I did is slowly sinking in, in her head. Her eyebrows frown and her lips start to quiver a bit, in denial as now are doing mine. I think at this point we both wanna cry. Elsa probably from disgust. Me from the rejection I'm receiving and for the immediate realization this stupid decision is gonna cost me. I'm gonna lose her over this, I’m sure of it. What did I do? Why did I do it? I brush away my hair from my forehead and look at her, biting my lips. My eyes are getting even more shiny by the minute. I can feel them burning. Her expression is unreadable.</p><p> </p><p>Now, there could be so many ways she could react to that. I personally thought she would get angry as hell and that she would freak out, but she chooses to stay silent as if she has gone mute. True to her word to never get angry at me. She just stays there, petrified and silent as a wall, looking at me. I genuinely don't know what is going on in her head, but it has to be nothing good. I don't know how to react to that! So I look at her in hope to figure it out.</p><p> </p><p>"Anna… what are you doing?". She whispers in a rush in the end and her voice is, surprisingly, terrified. She sounds so resigned, and I can feel her heart beating like a drum in her chest under my hand. I can see in her eyes the panic she's not sowing with the rest of her body. She looks so calm, but she's not. She’s freaking out. My chest starts burning. I feel physical pain from the guilt. "What was that? What's gotten into you?". She keeps on asking. Her tone is gentle, but there is something menacing lying underneath it. She moves a bit backward, trying to put distance between us as if she fears I would hurt her again and she hugs herself in self-defence. And that is the worst rejection I could ever get. Now I know that if I want to preserve our renewed relationship I’ll have to carefully watch my steps. I really am a step away from losing her forever.</p><p> </p><p>I feel mortified, on the verge of crying and she must notice that, so I chuckle quietly trying to ease the tension, but she doesn’t smile at all. The damage is done and laughing about it won’t save me. Stupid of me thinking that I could solve the problem like that. She doesn't look at me. Guilt fills her face and she makes a pained grimace. She clears her throat and gulps down, keeping her eyes low.</p><p> </p><p>"Anna, sweetheart… I don’t know what you’ve been used to, but I'm sorry to say the thing you just did... is not acceptable here. Do you understand?”. She’s gentle but dead serious about it. She stares at me directly in the eyes now and I don’t think she’s trying to scold me. I think she’s trying to cover for my horrible actions. It amazes me how she can stay this damn stoic even now. It must be some kind of superpower. “I don’t mean to sound harsh, but you can’t go doing things like this”. She says, swallowing heavily. “We are sisters… I know we used to do that, but we are not children anymore. Do you understand?”. She asks, talking to me as if I’m a child. “Seeing two grown women kissing, sisters nonetheless… It would… freak people out”. She says and keeping my tears back is becoming more and more difficult by the second. I bet it freaks her out. I feel… no, not offended… sick of myself. Why did I do that to her? How could I hurt her like that? She thinks I'm her sister for fuck's sake. I knew how much she cared for this...</p><p> </p><p>"I think you got it all wrong…". I lie and she looks at me in confusion. "I just slipped. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to”. This… is the most stupid excuse I could come up with. I clear my throat nervously while she looks at me as if she’s asking me if I think she's really that dense. I know… I know. I’m playing my only chance very badly. Lying to her is like trying to bury myself with my own hands. She’s too smart to fall for it, but I hope she’ll understand how sorry I am and drop the topic. "I mean it". I insist. "My foot just got caught in the covers… stupid covers!". Damn… I’m already rambling. If she hadn’t noticed I was lying before, and she did, she would now. She looks at me for minutes as if she's trying to understand if I'm really trying to fool her and when she understands that, yes, I am, I think she takes the matter on a personal level. </p><p> </p><p>"You slipped”. She says as stoic and impassible as she can. Her tone has become colder. I start sweating and gasping. Now she does sound a bit crossed. “Anna… Had I not kissed before, I may have fallen for that, but when you slipped in there, your tongue slipped with you, you know what I mean?”. She says and I bite my lips. My ears start whistling. This is gonna be worse than I planned for it to be. “Why are you lying to me, baby? What are you hiding?". She asks and she is so nice and so exhausted… my eyes veil with tears. "When will you start talking to me, instead of… this?". She points at us with her finger. "I can't keep up with this… it's not… rational. I can't understand you if you keep acting like a drunk monkey". Elsa confesses and I can hear her frustration and fear. I gulp. I knew I had to run when I had the possibility! Look what I ended up doing! I have two options now… I can run as I always do or I can stay and try to fix this. While I think I feel her hand caressing my cheek. She’s not trying to mortify me, that I get. I think she’s only scared and confused and I can’t blame her. I would be nervous too in her place. Fine… let's try something different this time. I sigh and I sit on the bed, giving her the space we both deserve. She looks at me, waiting in silence. Oh, damn it with caution! It won't work with her anyway!</p><p> </p><p>"You want the truth?". I ask and she nods. "Of course you do…”. I breathe. “Elsa, I… I have something to confess, but you have to stay calm… please”. I beg and she looks at me in silence. Then after a second she sighs and nods. I bite my lips and I’m trying so hard not to fall apart. “I think I might like you… like… really like you. And it’s making me freak out and I don’t know how to move… please, please… don’t freak out too". I insist, caressing her hand on the mattress and after a few seconds she chuckles ironically and gets down on her own pillow. She’s playing my same game. The only difference is, she has a damn computer in her head and I can’t compete. I already know she will destroy me. "Is it funny for you?".</p><p> </p><p>"It is…". She answers and she seems somehow relieved. I don’t know why. “You just said you like me?”. She asks and as I nod, she shakes her head, contradicting me immediately. </p><p> </p><p>“I do…”. I try but she doesn’t believe me. </p><p> </p><p>“You’re still lying to my face, Anna. I thought we had decided to be sincere, just a second ago”. She intercepts. </p><p> </p><p>“No, I’m not. I’m not lying. I swear”.</p><p> </p><p>“Yes, you are”. She says and that’s definitive. She sighs and bites her lips. She’s thinking about it. That, I will tell, is damn scary. “How am I supposed to believe that you like me? You’ve made it clear since the beginning that you have no sympathy for me, haven’t you? And now you want to sell me this”. I gulp. Little she knows… How could I explain this to her? I look at her in expectancy, waiting for her to explain what she means. “Anna… tell me the truth. Is this some kind of joke or… I don’t know… a new test? Are you trying to figure out how far I can go before I get mad and punish you? I told you… I won’t. You can’t make me angry. You don’t need to play like this with me. I can totally understand if you just start telling the truth, okay? I don’t like you lying to me”. I look at her with my mouth open. I look around myself and I finally realize that either I played my part all too well or got her really angry for not talking about it sooner.</p><p> </p><p>“Elsa, please believe me. I like you”. I say, mortified. “I have… I don’t want to say it…”. But she looks at me and I know this will be out sooner or later. “…sexual feelings for you. I have dreams so hot about you I… I feel crazy for you”. I gulp down my words because I have no strength to be so vulgar in front of her. “How was I supposed to tell you? And what you are doing is not helping. I’m so sorry… I swear it won’t happen again. Please… please don’t hate me”. She looks at me, dead serious and silent. I can see the wheels in her head turning. </p><p> </p><p>“You… are being serious?”. She whispers gently, looking at the door as if she’s scared someone will find us having this conversation. “For real?”. She insists and I give a half not entirely felt nod. “You are saying… this isn’t an act or a joke?”. She asks and I open my mouth close and then confirm again. “You wanted… you actually wanted to kiss me”. She continues. Damn… she’s taking her time accepting it and I don’t like the way she’s putting it either.</p><p> </p><p>“Yes”. I say and I suddenly crack into tears. I can’t bear with it anymore. She looks at me and then she just presses her lips together. She takes me by my arms and holds me still. </p><p> </p><p>“Is this true?”. She asks and I nod. Elsa’s eyebrows frown. She thinks about it long enough to make me worried. "Baby… this I didn’t expect”. She confessed. “I don’t want to say it’s not healthy…”. She says gently, brushing off my tears with her thumbs. “Do you want to know what I think?". She asks and I ask her to tell me, just out of curiosity. "I think you're confused”. And this she hasn’t got completely wrong. But as confused as I might be… I think my affection for her is genuine. “I think mom's death put you in some kind of affection crisis and you are trying to compensate for it with me…". She says calmly, looking at me with her big blue eyes. “Is this what’s happening?”.</p><p> </p><p>I think she knows the truth but this stupid excuse is the only thing she can hold on to right now, to not going crazy and she gladly pretends she believes it. In fact she smiles and releases a fake sigh of relief. How do I know it's fake? It's too trembling to be one of happiness. It’s more like ‘I found the perfect excuse for us to carry on without having to fight’ kind of smile.</p><p> </p><p>“No… I’m not!”. I insist, moving closer. If I have to endure this, I won’t accept no stupid reason that makes me sound like a crazy person. She has to stick with it too. “I’m sorry…”. I start crying and she probably feels sorry for me because she takes me by my shoulders and she hugs me. She holds me tight against her chest and presses my head against her, brushing my hair gently. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me”. </p><p> </p><p>She’s clearly surprised by my move, but she has no more space on the bed to escape, so when my nose nearly touches hers, she can’t really do anything about it. Her eyes snap open and this time, seeing her fear I feel something different. I feel I have some kind of power over her and I like it. I've never felt so in charge before. I grin mischievously at her. “I do like you… in fact, I like you so much, I might love you as well”. She pales as if I told her I want to kill her. </p><p> </p><p>“Stop it, Anna. This is not funny, I told you”. She scolds, but I’m not feeling like playing anymore. I grab her by her wrists and I pin her on the mattress. From the face she makes I think she’s gonna have a heart attack. I smile and I force her hands over her head, keeping her still. I think in every other situation I would have been no match for her, but now that she’s injured and not in her best physical condition I find out that I can easily overpower her. She tries to free herself in fact, but as she does she makes a grimace of pain. I think her head gave her the coup de grace. She sighs calmly and I see she’s not afraid of me. I think she knows, subconsciously, that I wouldn’t hurt her. “Just tell me what you want. There is no need to act like this, you know that. I’m already listening”. She intercepts and I sit on her stomach, getting my face close to her until our noses nearly touch and I can feel her warm, trembling breath on my skin.</p><p> </p><p>This is not a dream. I know it and I think she’s realizing it too. </p><p> </p><p>“I will show you what I want”. I whisper, and before she can oppose it I brush again my lips on hers. She averts her head and I let her do it, starting kissing her neck. Her skin is feverishly hot and it smells of mint. Every second that passes I get more and more in love with her. I leave a trail of little kisses on her jugular. She can feign all she wants but I hear clearly the trembling moan she lets escape from her lips. And her breath is now coming out in gasps. I think she likes this more than she shows. </p><p> </p><p>“Anna, please, get off of me”. She says gently. She’s still so damn calm and unmoving. “Baby… listen. Gerda is in the kitchen, she could come up any minute now to check on us and even if we were not in this uncertain condition, this is wrong… terribly wrong. How could we explain this to her? What would mom and dad think of us if they saw us like this? This is not normal”. I smile as she tries to push me away from her with no avail. “Do you want for Gerda to hear us?”.</p><p> </p><p>“If you stop squirming and talking back at me, she won’t”. I point out, kissing her jaw and she groans in frustration.</p><p> </p><p>“Ok… Ok! I had enough now”. She says, exasperated. “Stop. Stop it! This is a damn order. I swear to God. When I free myself I’ll punish you. Listen to me!”. She snaps and her tone is getting angrier by the second. “We are sisters!”. I pull away to her surprise and before she can even sigh in relief, I place my index under her nose, menacingly. She stills like a statue.</p><p> </p><p>“No, you listen to me”. I say and my tone is now angrier and even more scared than hers. We look at each other frowning. “We are not sisters. We never were. You can play this game all you want, but I’m tired of it. I’m tired of you thinking of me as a needy child and treating me like one. I am a person, not your toy. I won’t pretend I’m your sister just for the sake of it. You’re lying to yourself and you know that. I'm gonna let you decide what you want to do”. Elsa grimaces and I free her hands. She looks at me in confusion. “The only way you can have me is this one… I won’t play with you anymore. We won’t work any other way and you know it. I…”. I sob. “I can’t do this forever. I can’t lie to myself forever. This is too hard to bear”. I say pushing my lips again on hers. Gently this time. She jumps in surprise, but she doesn’t move. I hold her face in my hands, kissing her shyly at the beginning and then I try pushing my tongue between her lips. She lets me do it, with my immense surprise. I smile. When I try more, wanting to make out with her and finally have my way, she seems to snap out of it. She shoves me away and she slaps me so hard I don’t feel the sound but just the pain in my head. I crouch on myself, holding my cheek. I also think my nose is bleeding. </p><p> </p><p>“Get off the bed”. She orders, finally losing her patience. “Get the hell off the bed, now!”. She screams and I jump in fear, immediately getting up from the mattress. I look at my hand fearing I'll see blood, but there is actually none. She doesn’t try to comfort me as always, she just points to the door. “If you think we are not sisters, then leave! We are nothing to each other”. I look at her incredulously. And the thing that makes me even more incredulous is the fact that she hasn’t yet shown an ounce of real rage. She’s rigid, but not furious. Her eyes are terrified, but there is no real anger there. </p><p> </p><p>"I see…". I breathe, swallowing and averting my eyes to not look at her too much. "That's what you think?". I ask. "But I have to remind you that you brought me in this hell!". I yell. I have no more tears to cry… I’m just angry. I am even for her. “And since you have no intention to listen to me, nor to free me, I’m gonna do it by my fucking self”. The way she looks at me tells me that she doesn’t believe what I’m saying. "You are right. I’m packing… before you find an excuse to call me crazy and send me to a shrink…”. Her eyes snap open. I think that the weight of what is happening has finally dawned on her. Her breath starts getting quicker.</p><p> </p><p>"What? No… I would never… Anna…". Elsa defends quickly. Her tone back to its gentle self.  </p><p> </p><p>“Wouldn’t you? Well… I don’t wanna find out! You hit me! I don’t really know what else I should expect from you, don’t I?”. Elsa looks at me with a face I can’t quite read. She seems worried, but it could be anything. “I’m gonna leave, ok? Exactly how you asked. That’s for the best. How will I break in that head of yours, otherwise? How can I talk to you and make you believe me for once?". I ask again and she stays silent. </p><p> </p><p>"Anna, I don’t love you the way you do… that’s not my fault!". She answers, swallowing slowly. Her lips start trembling. "I can’t change that! I’m sorry for what I did and said to you, but you have to understand me… I’m sorry…”. I see her eyes starting to become red and glistening in tears. “I’m doing my best… why can’t you see that? I’m willing to make compromises, but I can’t go along with this… It’s too much!”. She says, releasing her waist and starting playing with her fingers. The only thing my brain hears is that she’s trying to buy time. "But I don’t want you to go". She confesses. "Can we calm down a bit? I think we are getting too overworked here. Maybe we could talk about this...". Or not. She asks and I shake my head, swallowing back my tears.</p><p> </p><p>"No…". My voice comes out hoarse and trembling and she notices that. The look she gives me is a sympathetic one. We are both pretending this is normal, but we know this is deeply fucked up. "No, I… Am done with this. I’ve talked enough already. I mean… it’s not worth it". I back up to the door and she immediately panics. She snaps up and reaches out to grab my hand but I take it back before she can. I bit my lips to contain the tears, but I don’t say a word.</p><p> </p><p>"Anna, please… please, baby". She tries, starting to get up, but then she sees me retreating and she changes her mind and shakes her head, aiming for a different route. "Baby, listen…". I hear her start with a different tone. A menacing one. “I’m genuinely tired of doing this, okay? Taking care of you might be the most difficult thing I’ve ever done. I don’t want to hurt you… but the way you act is… strange and unnerving”. Her words come like a stab in my chest. If she’s trying to convince me to not go… man she’s doing a terrible job. “This might be the last thing I try to come to your aid, but… show me you are true, that you’re not just hurt and you’re not passing a phase and I might…”. She falls silent and gulps and I look at her, trying to get where she wants to go. “I might listen to your reasons”. My eyes snap open. She didn’t say it. I imagined everything. “But this is your last chance. If you ruin this I will have you leave this house… we will cut ends. You understand? We won’t see each other anymore. All or nothing. Nothing in between”. </p><p> </p><p>“You will go out with me?”. Her mouth falls open and she clearly is grossed out by the idea, but in the end she nods. </p><p> </p><p>“At the end of these months you will… be able to choose what you want to do and I won’t oppose it. If you want to go home you will go home, if… whatever, I’ll listen to whatever. I’ll grant you one wish”. She agrees, showing me her index to be even more clear about it. “But I want you to be a role model sister until then. No accidents, no whims, no problems. You will be the most equilibrated person in the world. I want you to be a saint. Did I make myself clear? This is a full in bargain. You do the wrong move, you lose everything. Are you in it?”. I look at her. She’s dead serious this time. She’s not playing. There is no trace of joking in her eyes. She sees my uncertainty. “Are you in it or not, Anna?”. She asks and I try to think. Is the danger of losing everything worth a try?</p><p> </p><p>“No”. I say immediately and I think this is not the answer she was waiting for. “Why should I settle myself with a surrogate? No… I want the real thing. I don’t want you to do me any favour and I don’t want to make any bargain with you. Not anymore”. I say angrily. “I think I might do it better alone. Maybe I will call Olaf”. I confess sincerely and she shakes her head. She seems as opposed to the idea as she could be. </p><p> </p><p>“You can’t set a foot outside that door. Do you understand that or not? You’re a minor! They are really serious about this kind of thing. If someone finds out we'll end up in real troubles”. She intercepts. </p><p> </p><p>“Then talk to my ass and see if it cares!”. I say, exiting the room and closing the door behind me. </p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>I need to do something. Now!</p><p> </p><p>That's what I'm coming to realise when the door closes. I need help. I can't do this alone. Anna is clearly too much for me to handle and I can't raise her alone. I'm ruining her. In the most morbid way, I must add. I press my hands on my face with force and I whine loudly out of frustration. I feel my eyes finally fill with tears and I pull back my hair. I can’t cry now. We were doing so well, dammit. What the hell happened all of a sudden?</p><p> </p><p>She kissed me for damn's sake and there is no way that it’s not my fault! She didn’t silp. She aimed for it. Twice! That was a kiss kiss. Nothing in between. I can still feel the passion and the frustration she put in those kisses. How damn she was able to hide all of this from me? How could I be that blind? What did I do that led her to think that that would be acceptable? As much as I think of it I can't pin the thing I did wrong. And now I’ve also made her mad. I need to stop her, before she does something stupid.</p><p> </p><p>I get up and I immediately feel nausea take me. Damn it. My head spins and I fall back sitting on the mattress. Damn it! She had to choose today to go full berserk didn’t she! </p><p> </p><p>"What did I do wrong?". I ask now, dread in my heart. Things went like this, because I couldn't keep my cool. She must have seen the horror in my face. Stupid Elsa! She needs you to guide her, not to mortify her. And she is so hurt. The poor baby. Get up! Get up, you stupid asshole. </p><p> </p><p>I force myself on my wobbly legs and start heading to the door a step after another. I open it and I find out Anna is nowhere to be seen. She must have gone to her room… That’s what I think until I hear her and Gerda talking downstairs. Damn! She’s fast! I try and run after her, but I’m too slow. My head is spinning. I don’t even know how I do all the stairs without falling.</p><p> </p><p>And also my ineptitude led me to not know, now, the real reason why she did that. Why did Anna kiss me? Is that her way to show affection? Or is that a coping mechanism for everything that is happening to us, because she doesn't know how to express her feeling otherwise? Or is she trying to attract my attention? Or is this her way to let me know she needs more affection from me? Or is this her way to ask for help? I don't know. There are too many possibilities, but I’m damn sure I can’t believe she loves me above all.</p><p> </p><p>I need to get her… us back on track. I can't go on like this. </p><p> </p><p>When I reach the entrance, Gerda tries to stop me, grabbing me by my arms: firstly because she thinks, and not wrongly, that I’m gonna pass out and secondly to explain that Anna has run away. I free myself and I shush her, pointing a finger under my nose and trying to calm her down, raising my hands defensively. </p><p> </p><p>“It’s fine. it’s fine. No need to be scared”. I try and say while she panics, screaming and pointing at the door with her hands like a mad woman. I start crying in big sobs. “Please… we just fought. I’ve got everything under control”. She shakes her head. She knows I’ve nothing under control right now. Not even myself.</p><p> </p><p>“Skal jeg ringe politiet?”. She immediately asks and I pale, shaking feverishly my head. Oh, my God! No! If Anna as much hints what we did, I… </p><p> </p><p>“Nei, for helvete. Nothing is happening. Just calm down and breathe”. I intercept and with great difficulty I get past her, jogging painfully for the door. Why does the floor look so close? I feel like I’m gonna barf. Anna has already reached the end of the small road that guides out of the house and has her cellphone in hand, talking to someone. Please, please… let it not be Olaf! I groan and run after her. “Anna! Please! Don’t walk away”. I yell, but I don’t know for sure if she can’t listen to me or if she’s just ignoring me. “You’re gonna die! There is nothing but woods around here! You’re gonna get lost and die of hypothermia. And I won’t be able to find you”. I try to warn her, but she is so damn stubborn, like papa was! And I feel like I’m losing clear-headedness.</p><p> </p><p>“Then be it”. She yells back. So she can hear me after all… I try to reach her, but I start panting and breaking into a cold sweat. </p><p> </p><p>“Listen… if you give me some time…”. I pant, reaching out a hand for her. “I’m gonna call the judge. I have an apartment in Oslo. You can stay there…”. Haven’t I already said this at some point? I don’t remember anymore. My ears are ringing. I swallow and I have to sit on the floor to be sure not to fall and hit my head again. I ran too much. I never finish my sentence. I press my forehead on the floor and I try to keep my eyes open. I feel my ears whistling, my head is heavy and full of cotton. Everything moves like I’m underwater, even if I’m sure I’m being pretty still. I feel slow and confused and I think I’m passing out for real. </p><p> </p><p>And suddenly I see her aquamarine eyes looking directly at me. I can’t even breathe, imagine talking. </p><p> </p><p>“The doctor did lie about your commotion, didn’t he? I thought you were just sick of working”. She asks and I gasp, opening one eye, then another. I look at Anna and I shake my head imperceptibly. No… this would hurt her just the more. She’s too fragile. But she knows. She clicks her tongue. I look at her and I want to talk to her. Maybe I can fix this. I tried to be as sincere as I can get and get in her head somehow… But she is so stubborn and unreasonable. Maybe if I lie… I realise what I’m doing only when the phrase, “I love you too, don’t go”, comes out of my mouth. Her eyes snap open and I can see the hope in them. Little she knows that’s a lie and I feel as guilty as it comes. I’ve become all I hated in my father. I’ve become a monster. Lying, cheating, loveable, caring, manipulative bastard… that’s what he was. That’s what I am. A mess. But the show has begun and I can’t stop now. She needs guidance or she will end up to be uncontrollable. And as I look at her a part of me really hopes she will come to her senses. Understand that this is wrong. But she doesn’t. Instead she seems so happy about it.</p><p> </p><p>After the thing I said, I can’t but curl up in a ball and think, covering my eyes with a hand. I hear her talking but I can’t distinguish a word… I know I have the power to ruin us, now. Right now, just for this. She granted me a power she doesn’t even know can destroy her. She gave it to me. The most untrustworthy person in the entire globe. Papa’s taught me all about this… about hurting people, about controlling them. I never thought I would be playing this game with her though. If I had known I would have never wanted to learn. I just have to decide the way I want to break her heart, now. Will she grow up after this? Yes, absolutely. Will she hate me…? I look at her above my shoulder and she smiles at me. So sincere, so naive. Whatever happens I will be the one who wins. But what exactly…?</p><p> </p><p>I don’t have the time to think about it because my mind finally blacks out and I lose my senses. </p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>When I open back my eyes I find myself lying in a hospital bed. I feel groggy and hurting as if a truck drove right into me. But I don't care. The first thought that crosses my mind is Anna. Is she okay? I look around myself and I hope to see her there somewhere, but she's not. The room is empty. I sigh. I don't even feel the disappointment for having been left alone. I'm just worried. I need to go search for her.</p><p> </p><p>I try to get seated but as I do it, some bells start ringing in the room and I immediately fear I did something wrong. As I see a doctor charging in, I pale. Every kind of thought crosses my mind. Did they put an alarm on me? Did Anna talk about what we did? Are they gonna arrest me for assault? Did they take her? I groan, feeling the adrenaline waking me up, fast. I need to stay calm, but it’s nearly impossible given the situation. </p><p> </p><p>"Miss Snow, don't move, please". The doctor asks gently and I immediately raise my hands in defense, panting from sheer panic. I don’t want to get convicted.</p><p> </p><p>"Not moving, I swear, agent… doctor… whatever you are". I moan in pain, opening and closing my eyes to keep myself focused and he clicks his tongue, clearly unhappy about it. He takes out a light from his lab coat pocket and flashes it in my eyes. The light nearly blinds me. I grimace and avert my eyes, covering them with my hand.</p><p> </p><p>"I see you're still very confused and photosensitive, miss". He says as if this makes him unhappy. "It will be better if you stay put and go back to sleep. We've been monitoring you for quite the while now, you know. You have a serious concussion". He is telling me nothing I don’t know and feel already. Is this guy really a doctor?</p><p> </p><p>"Where is my sister?". I ask, trying to peek above his shoulder to see if Anna is in sight, but sadly she isn’t. He looks in the same direction I'm looking at and then back at me. He is big… a big blond man. But if he thinks he'll scare me, he clearly doesn't know what I'm capable of.</p><p> </p><p>"What sister?". He asks and my eyebrows snap up in surprise. Did he really not see her?</p><p> </p><p>"Red hair… ahm… green, no… more like...". I try to explain, but he shakes his head and I look at him even more in confusion.</p><p> </p><p>"You have no sister". My eyes snap open. What did he just say? I think he sees my horror and starts laughing his ass off. "I'm joking. You wouldn’t imagine how many people fall for this". He chuckles. "She is sleeping in the other room, don't worry. She was really tired". I exhale a sick sigh of relief. "I'm Kristoff, by the way, miss. I'm your doctor…".</p><p> </p><p>"I don't give a damn who you are…". I immediately snap and he jumps back. He didn't expect that reaction for sure. "It's clear you are an idiot. Was that a funny joke for you? Get out of my face and go call my sister. Now. Chap chap!". I snap my fingers, to make my order even more pressing. But even if my tone is really condescending, he just doesn't care. He smiles, chuckles and bends his lips.</p><p> </p><p>"We are a tad too angry, miss Snow. Aren't we? They tell me though that apparently you are a really sweet woman. Never getting angry”. I look at him big eyed. Who on earth says that? “It might be the concussion speaking. You know… mood changing and all that kind of stuff". He says and this is my turn to chuckle. </p><p> </p><p>"Who the hell told you that?". He hums in thought, not answering. "If it was Olaf… Oh, I'm gonna…". The doctor shushes me and I immediately stop talking, to understand what he's up to.</p><p> </p><p>"Maybe some morphine will help you ease your pain and let you sleep a bit. I'm sure you'll feel better when you wake up". He reaches for one of the drawers in the nightstand, opens it with a key and takes out a syringe. I immediately retract involuntarily. What is he planning on doing to me?</p><p> </p><p>"I don't need to sleep and I'm not in pain". I lie, flattening myself against the bedpost and he patiently looks at me waiting for me to finish. I think he senses I'm scared of needles and he thinks I want to stop him. "I wanna talk with my sister first". I repeat and he shakes his head.</p><p> </p><p>"She's sleeping. Your assistant, Mr. Snowman, said she had to be left alone". Olaf did? So Olaf is here somewhere… that's not a good news. I sigh, exasperated and I bite my lips. I don’t want to fight with him too today, but if I must, I’ll make sure I win this time. </p><p> </p><p>"Could I talk to my assistant then? Before you knock me out? It's important. It will take just a second". I ask as gently as the situation concedes me. The doctor sighs, putting the needle away. He doesn’t seem happy about it again but he doesn’t complain. He nods and he gets up and disappears in the other room. Five minutes later, Olaf enters nearly running. He is as always dressed in a suit, his hair is pulled back and perfectly brushed. </p><p> </p><p>"Elsa… oh, you are up! Thank you! How are you feeling?". He immediately asks and I groan.</p><p> </p><p>"Like a maroon on a pan…". I murmur, crossing my arms and he looks at me sympathetically, making a mortified face. His eyebrows nearly touch. "Who the hell chose that idiot as my physician?". Olaf's lips become a thin line. </p><p> </p><p>"Anna". He groans and that I take as a confirmation that she actually wants to kill me. There's no other reason possible for choosing that guy. "But I wouldn't blame her. She's been really tired… she didn't sleep at all last night. Don’t get angry".</p><p> </p><p>"Last night?". I ask in confusion and he nods.</p><p> </p><p>"Yeah, you've been out for a while. We've been worried sick about you". He says sitting on the chair next to the bed where the doctor was sitting minutes before. I scoff. Yeah… how worried he must have been! How ironic! "I had to convince her to go taking a nap. She's as stubborn as you…".</p><p> </p><p>"I really doubt I'm as stubborn as her…". I groan in refusal and he chuckles as if he finds my words to not be true. "Now… Could I see her, please? Apparently I have to ask you to see my own sister!".</p><p> </p><p>"I don't think she wants to see you, right now. At least not while you're awake. She's very angry at you and I think she also feels a little bit ashamed for what happened". And this… this makes me freak out. She’s very angry at me? Oh, come on! I roll my eyes. It should be the other way round! I should be angry at her! For what she pulled out! And yet I am not… I am just worried to death! Then the realization hits me.</p><p> </p><p>"What do you mean?". I ask in fear and he just shrugs his shoulders. "You guys talked?". He nods and I pale. "What? She did talk to you…? She never talks to me! That's unfair!". </p><p> </p><p>"She can't talk to you about you, Els. It would be embarrassing". He intercepts and I feel my heart trying to escape from my mouth.</p><p> </p><p>"Of course she can! I'm the one that can understand her better than anyone else. I've been through her problems myself". He shakes his head. </p><p> </p><p>"I don't think you can understand what she's going through, right now. It’s different from what you had, Elsa". He explains calmly. "You can't see it because you are too emotionally involved with her".</p><p> </p><p>"That's absurd… there's no thing as being too involved in one's own life! What did she tell you?". </p><p> </p><p>"Everything". The word falls between us like a timer bomb. What exactly is everything? Did she tell him about… oh, no. Anna… What did you do? You chose the only being you should never trust. I tap on the bed with my fingers and I bite my lips in anger. </p><p> </p><p>"What did she tell you, exactly? I need to know". I ask and he sighs.</p><p> </p><p>"That she kissed you". He confesses, playing with his fingers. "And I really don't feel like condemning her, you know… She has feelings for you. Can't you see it?". I feel nauseous, as if he touched an uncovered nerve. I never thought Anna would confess our problem to Olaf of all people. What did she put me into? I sigh.</p><p> </p><p>"She has no feelings for me. I can assure that. She’s just passing a fase and you shouldn’t take her words to heart, you know". I insist but he says no with his head. </p><p> </p><p>"That's not what she says". He retorts.</p><p> </p><p>"She's confused Olaf! She’s a kid and she's going through a lot. I bet she doesn’t even know what she’s saying". I say. </p><p> </p><p>“She seemed convincing to me”. He confesses and I roll my eyes, in exasperation. He sighs and takes the chair next to my bed and sits on it. “She was clear about it. I think she doesn’t think of you as a sister, Elsa. Yeah… she cares for you and that shows but not as a sister would do. I think in fact that she sees you as a total stranger. A gorgeous, too nice to be real, total stranger… you also showed yourself naked… She’s a teen. She’s hormonal. What did you expect? She fell in love with you". He chuckles as if it is funny. Man… I cover my eyes with my hands when the realization hits me. That would explain a lot of things. “And I believe her. It is clear she’s not lying. I believe her exactly as I believed you when you said you fell in love with…”. I raise a finger menacingly and he shuts his mouth. He knows when to stop talking at least.</p><p> </p><p>“That was an entirely different thing”. I intercept. “I was not related to…”. I gulp. “And also I didn’t fall for her the exact moment my father died. Did I?”. He looks at me and he bites his lips, staying silent as a stone. "I won’t let you pry into my life any more, okay? You had your chance. It’s over". I say and I’m really serious about it. "Do you understand? I will find a way to fix it, my own way". </p><p> </p><p>"You won't". He says and his words knock the air out of me. "Anna asked me to let her stay with me for a couple of days, until she gets her thoughts clear and I'm gonna help her". I look at him, incredulous. What was only a threat, has become reality somehow. </p><p> </p><p>"No". I answer immediately as stern as I can be, but he is too used to my manners to be convinced. “She can’t decide for herself and you know that. The only one who can choose for her in this situation is me. And I won’t let her go with you. I won’t consent for it. I want to find a solution with her myself”.</p><p> </p><p>"If you don’t say yes to this, I swear to God I’m gonna go in front of a judge and tell him all that happened. Every sordid detail. You get it? I’ll get her stripped out of you either way”. He asks and I pale. Is he menacing me? “There is no need to be mad at this. I’m doing this for Anna and you have to understand that you can do nothing about it. Clearly you're not the one she needs right now. There's no shame in that. Give her some time".</p><p> </p><p>"And she needs you? Of all people?". I ask, scoffing and he nods quietly. "She's my responsibility. I have to take care of her… She needs guidance".</p><p> </p><p>"And that can't clearly be you. You have gone blind. Look at you… You are too attached to that girl". He says and those words really hurt me. "Listen to me. Let her go". I shake my head. "She will be back, better than before. Let her sort her things out". I pout and he chuckles. "Elsa… come on…". My eyebrows nearly touch. "You know… you worry me more than she does…". He says and I know what he is referring to. "I would be glad to leave her with you, just because she seems to be able to keep you in check, but she needs to figure things out and she can't do it if you're there, confusing her more". I bit my lips.</p><p> </p><p>"So what? Are you going to take her away from me? Bringing her home with you?". He nods, confirming. I sigh, pulling at my own fingers. "For how long?". </p><p> </p><p>"I don't know… she will tell me". I look at him and I swallow the tears. Maybe he is right. What good have I done for that child? Since she came home there only have been problems between us. </p><p> </p><p>"Okay… take her away from me. But if I were you I would hope Anna finds herself before my lawyers find a way to strip you out of your own skin, Olaf. Do you get what I’m saying here? This time I’m not joking. Time for play is over. This time we are going all the way”. I think he knows what I’m talking about, because it’s him who pales this time. But he nods nonetheless. "If this is what she wants…”. I open my arms. “I’m making her happy. I'm literally no one to stop her". His smile is tight. "But you… you watch your damn back Olaf”. I say and he nods. “Now. Can I see her, before you take her?".</p><p> </p><p>"If she wants to…". He says and then he gets up. "Sleep now. You shouldn't worry too much in your condition". He says, getting up from her chair and walking to the door. I cover my eyes with a hand in shame. I failed her… and before I know I'm crying my eyes out. I thought I would be able to help her, but apparently I am her problem. </p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>I feel a hand shaking me by my shoulder and I jolt up like a spring. I feel my heart beating like a drum in my throat, because of the scare. I raise my head. Olaf is looking at me and I immediately understand it's something related to Elsa, so I get up on one elbow and listen. I fear there will be bad news. She's been unconscious for a while now...</p><p> </p><p>"She's awake". He announces, with a smile. I sigh in relief, holding my chest, closing my eyes and swallowing all the fear. A weight has been taken off my chest. Thank you… I could not go even a minute more thinking I killed her.</p><p> </p><p>"Is she?". I ask, hopefully. My voice is dry as sandpaper and half asleep. "Dude, why didn't you call me immediately?". I ask, sitting on the edge of the bed and rubbing my face. "How is she?".</p><p> </p><p>"She seems fine. She's talkative at least". He says. "She's been asking for you, you know… she wants to see you and probably talk to you. I think she wants to apologize". My heart fills with a warm, cuddly feeling. Does she? Well… this is not entirely unexpected, I must admit. She's awfully mannered, but more than that I think she must feel guilty for slapping me. Or maybe… just maybe, she has changed her mind.</p><p> </p><p>"Really?". Olaf nods, feeding my hope. "And how did she seem to you? Angry or…". I ask.</p><p> </p><p>“Well… she’s…”. He thinks about it. “Feisty as always”. He answers carefully. “But angry… hm… I don’t think she’s angry at you anyway. I wouldn’t worry about that”. And he shrugs as that answers everything. My smile falls a little, but I nod. Good to hear it. A heavy silence falls between us, then he points at my cheek, where Elsa slapped me. It has puffed up and has become black with a yellowish edge. </p><p> </p><p>"How's your face?".</p><p> </p><p>"Eh…”. I click my tongue. “Still hurts, but it's getting better". I answer. "I don’t think she hit me full force, but damn… Elsa knows how to slap people. Did she get training or something?”. I massage my cheek out of self consciousness. “I think I got her really desperate, if she had to use this method against me. Can't blame her, I mean… I would have done worse. I’m still surprised she was that sorry when we fought". My voice is low and barely audible. I'm not proud of how things ended. Olaf stares at me, for a while before opening his mouth again.</p><p> </p><p>"Do you want to talk to her?". He asks and I don't dare to move, staring at the floor as if it's the most interesting thing in the world. "You don't have to feel pressured, Anna. She agreed to let you decide what you want to do. So if you don't feel like it…". </p><p> </p><p>"I do want to talk to her, but… when I do I get the feeling she’s really not there. How come she immediately listens to what you say, while I always have to fight with her to get her attention?". He suddenly chuckles. This is not funny at all.</p><p> </p><p>"Curious… she says the exact same thing about you, you know…". I groan.</p><p> </p><p>"I talk, but she doesn't listen!". I say exasperated, crossing my harms. He looks at me and suddenly smiles.</p><p> </p><p>"I think she loves you too much". He says and I look at him unimpressed. He smiles. "It might sound crazy and a tad offensive right now, but it's true. She's always been like that. If she gets affectionate she becomes… protective and reserved. I think she's trying to demonstrate she can do the best for you. Even better than you would. She listens, I can assure that, but she doesn’t let it show. She likes to play mysterious to prove herself right and to keep you close".</p><p> </p><p>"That's stupid and confusing. Has this ever worked before?". </p><p> </p><p>"No". He answers sincerely. His smile becomes sad. "On the contrary… she got quite the nickname and lost lots of people out of it. But she grew up like that and there is nothing we can do to change her. She's an emotional dork".</p><p> </p><p>"She really is…". I murmur, looking at my hands. "I mean… who isn't?". I try to correct myself, but he shrugs. "I think aside from that she's really a nice person. The most gentle I've ever met. She took me in without even knowing me, when no one else would. She beared with me even if I gave her only problems. She put up with all my whims… well… she still does, even if I’m probably not sounding reasonable to her. And what happened with my face… I think I got on her patience at that point". I say. Olaf points at me to prove his statement. </p><p> </p><p>"That's why you like her?". He asks and I freeze in place. He notices my reaction and shakes his head. "I won't tell… pinkie promise". He pushes up his pinkie to prove it. </p><p> </p><p>"Anyway…". I say, changing the topic to his displeasure. "As much as I want to see her, I think it's better not talk to her, right now. I would embarrass myself. I don't know what to say and I'm sure she won't listen anyway, so…". I sigh, squeezing my hands. "I will wait. She said some things I want to work with…".</p><p> </p><p>"Anna… you are taking this too seriously". He suggests. "There is no shame in asking for forgiveness either. She might seem cold and stiff, but she can bend if it's needed. She's waiting for a possibility". </p><p> </p><p>"I know". I answer and he seems surprised. "But she doesn't always have to bend, you know… It's my fault we can't work. I will find a way to fix it". I cover my eyes, thinking and then I look back at Olaf. "Until then I don't want to fight with her". Olaf sighs and nods. He doesn't insist on it.</p><p> </p><p>"Do whatever you want, Anna. You've been granted your freedom… well… until she sues the heel out of me, but stil…". I look at him in confusion, but he places his index above his nose and shushes me as if I heard nothing wrong. I nod in understanding. "I now have to go to work. I should enjoy it as long as I have one”. He points at his pristine clothes. “Do you think you can keep an eye on her?". I confirm absentmindedly, getting up. "Good… let me know if you need me".</p><p> </p><p>We both exit the room. Olaf goes straight to the entrance, while I drag myself to Elsa's room. I peek inside to see if she's really awake and I think she's crying now and my heart is slowly falling apart in a million pieces as I hear her sigh. Yesterday we had to wait for Olaf to arrive to scoop her up from the floor, since Gerda couldn't and I was not strong enough. It was messed up and now Gerda is so enraged with me she won't even look at me. I think I finally made an enemy out of her.</p><p> </p><p>I don't think Elsa is aware and conscious of what is happening around her. She keeps her eyes shut as if she doesn’t want to see and when she opens them they are still unfocused. I stand here in a corner of the room watching all this as I feel like a piece of garbage. What am I doing to her? What am I doing to my baby? My beautiful baby… I'm hurting her. Look at how sad she is. If she’s not crying, I start to, heaving and covering my eyes with my hand. That's how the doctor finds me when he comes back. </p><p> </p><p>"I sense drama". Says doctor Kristoff, looking at me and at the door. I dry the tears with the back of my hand and clear my voice. "Everything's alright?". He asks and I nod, lying. There is no way I'll open my heart to a stranger. When he is sure, everything is alright, he nods and enters the room. "Ready for that shot, then?". He asks Elsa. I see her nodding and getting out her arm, I cover my face to not see. She huffs when she feels the sting and then everything falls quiet. I wait minutes and then I see the doctor, checking on her, motioning for me with his hand to enter. He sees me from the gap in the door and he smiles at me.</p><p> </p><p>"Come in. It’s safe now". He whispers. "I just sedated her. She's totally out". He announces and I sigh in relief. I enter the room and I see Elsa totally unconscious on the bed. Her golden hair sprawled on the pillow. She seems to be so at peace. </p><p> </p><p>"How is she?". I ask, looking at her. I get closer and I take her hand in mine. She's warm and her skin is smooth and soft. I hold it, but she doesn't move an inch.</p><p> </p><p>"We will be monitoring her for a couple of days more and then she will be able to go back home. Hopefully there won't be problems". I feel more secure now. "She won’t have to stay in bed for long, don’t worry. She will definitely be back as new in a week". </p><p> </p><p>"Gerda will take care of her and without me she will surely get better sooner". I say, more to myself than him, caressing the back of Elsa's hand with my thumb. </p><p> </p><p>"She asked about you…". Doctor Kristoff says and I let him know I've been told about it. "Do you two want to stay alone?". I confirm and he pats a hand on my shoulder before walking back to the door and closing it behind him. I look around myself and then I sit on the edge of the bed, caressing Elsa's hair out of her forehead with a hand, while I keep on holding her hand with the other. She's so beautiful when she sleeps.</p><p> </p><p>"Listen what we'll do, Elsie…". I start nervously, caressing her cheek with her index. "I'm going to stay with Olaf for a while. I'm gonna try to understand which of us is right. But if I'm right and I really love you, will you… listen to me?". I ask, pressing my forehead on hers. She doesn't answer and she keeps on sleeping. That's actually what I hoped. It's better for us to stay away from each other for a while. That's, I think, the only way for either of us to come to our senses. </p><p>
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  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Well, hope you liked it. It was a heavy chapter to write indeed. Let me know what you think about it.</p>
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<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Chapter 6</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>So, here we start with the next act. I hope you will like this one as much (I hope) you liked the first one. As promised this is continuing. I have at least six chapters planned ahead of us, so no worries. There may be more... who knows. Nice reading.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>CHAPTER 6</p><p>
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</p><p>One month and a half has passed since that unfortunate discussion between me and Anna. One long, boring and lonely month and a half. Rain has left space for snow and cold, as December has taken over, and Anna is nowhere to be seen. Not a word from her, not a call… damn, not even a message. She has completely forgotten about me. And I can’t say I don’t deserve it. The way I treated her wasn’t nice at all, but even knowing it I can’t but stall now and wait for her move. I can’t risk getting myself in an even tougher position, trying to talk to her. I must wait for her to forgive me.</p><p> </p><p>The only things I know about her now are sporadics words and requests I get from Olaf. He’s been our intermediary. Not a word has been shared without him being involved in it. That’s how angry Anna is. Just to me though. Apparently with him she’s really well behaving now. She's started sleeping and eating normally. No more rage fits. No bad events worth reporting. Instead she seems to be fitting perfectly in Olaf’s family than she did in mine. She even started going to school, something I couldn’t convince her to do. Olaf did it and I’m totally happy for Anna, but I have to admit it hurts a bit. I’ve never had any influence on her. Nor bad nor good at all. It's as if she can't see me. I’m a bit jealous of him. </p><p> </p><p>"So… the profits are definitely increasing". My marketing manager says while showing the room full of people a graphic on the projector's wall. I raise my head. I wasn't even listening. I nod feigning interest and check on my papers. Everything seems fine. </p><p> </p><p>"Fine…". I sigh melancholically. "Is there anything else worth reporting?". No one answers so I tap on the table with my fingers. "Very well… you are dismissed. Good job everyone". I say and all the people sitting at the conference table get up and, saying goodbye they exit the room. All of them… but Olaf.</p><p> </p><p>I finish checking the documents in my hands and when I'm satisfied I push them inside my briefcase and close it with a snap. I'm tired and the only thing I want to do now is getting out of here. Thank god this whole ordeal is over for the week. </p><p> </p><p>I relax for a second against the back of my chair and I sigh. I grimace and I close my eyes, that are now burning from lack of sleep, exhausted for a moment, and then I look at the clock on the wall. It’s already nine in the evening. I’ve started making late again. </p><p> </p><p>There’s no Anna waiting for me at home anyway… moreover there is actually no one waiting for me right now. The house is silent, cold, dark and completely empty. There is no need for me to go back. I don't  even feel the need for sleep. I've been going on like a robot for days now.</p><p> </p><p>I check on my computer opened on the table for other tasks to complete, but there is none. I’ve been working too efficiently lately. Maybe I'm just too bored. How did I carry on like this, before Anna entered my life? I grimace again, turning it off and putting it away with all the other stuff. What shall I do now? I’m fairly sure there are still games I need to finish somewhere in the back room and I have got a fair amount of alcohol with me, so… I hear Olaf clearing his throat and I groan. Here goes another quiet night. </p><p> </p><p>"Are you still here, Olaf?". I ask, getting up. Maybe if I run fast…</p><p> </p><p>“I’m going home. Are you done for today?”. He asks, still sitting. He immediately eyes me with a disgusted face. I smile as if nothing is happening. "What are your plans?". He asks, but he doesn't let me answer. "You're going to drink again… aren't you?". He scolds, collecting his documents and checking on them. "Are you planning on getting drunk again while playing those video games of yours?". He asks. "You can't always sleep here. You have a house and a bed. You should use them". </p><p> </p><p>"It's none of your business". </p><p> </p><p>"Yes, it is. You should stop. You know where this has taken you before". I hum, not really listening. "And you have Anna to take care of… don't do anything stupid". I sigh.</p><p> </p><p>"What do you want, Olaf?". I ask, swinging myself on the chair with a smug face. He doesn't seem happy about it, but he must notice I'm not as drunk as he thinks so he doesn't have anything to retort to tonight. "Shouldn't you be home taking care of Anna right now? I'm an adult, now. I can take care of myself". I answer and he snorts. Always so condescending. </p><p> </p><p>"I came to talk to you about a serious matter”. He answers. "It's about Anna". </p><p> </p><p>"She didn't like the shoes I bought her for p.e, did she?". I groan, mortified. "I knew it… I should have listened to the shop assistant, but in my defense when I was in school all girls wore those for tennis. You had to have them to be the cool one in the group”. He smiles and shakes his head. </p><p> </p><p>“No. It’s not about the shoes. It’s about you”. He says and I point to my chest. He confirms. Even worse. What did I do wrong this time? “I want you to do me a favour. Anna has a hockey game with some friends tonight and I’m fairly sure she will be late. I think she will be eating out with them. Nothing fancy”. My surprise is palpable. I would love to scold him for letting her go alone and unprotected, but then I remember she’s not my responsibility anymore. I have no say in her education and even if I did... she's growing. She needs friends and this might be the opportunity for her to come to love this place a little bit more. I nod then, not saying a word. “I want you to check on her. I will tell you where she’s playing”.</p><p> </p><p>“No, Olaf. It’s okay. Let her be. It's better that way. She’s just having fun...”. I say, brushing my hair back, then I smile immediately changing the topic. “So… she has friends now? Good... she is actually getting better, isn't she?”. I ask and he rocks his head slowly. Then he, cross his legs. Hm… a serious discussion is in the air. </p><p> </p><p>We look at each other battling with our eyes. We are both ignoring the elephant in the room. I scratch my forehead where the scar of the accident is. It’s smaller than I feared but it’s definitely there. My memento. It took two weeks for it to heal completely and sometimes it still hurts.</p><p> </p><p>“Why don’t you go see by yourself? She might surprise you. She’s been a good girl lately”. He asks and so the battles begin. I try to understand where he wants to go. I try to read inside his words and the result is clear. He was never nor a good liar nor a good dissimulator. “She’s actually getting really good at playing, so… it might not be a total waste of time”. </p><p> </p><p>“Why are you trying to force me to go?”. His eyebrows snap up and I know I hit the right spot. “Can you imagine what she’s gonna think of me if I show up at her game like this? She’s going to think I don’t trust her and that I want to meddle in her life. She’s going to hate me even more. So… if you want to try and force me to go you must give me a really good reason. Tell me what you have in mind and stop with the games”. I intercept and he shrugs. </p><p> </p><p>“I think you can imagine where I want to go with this, don’t you?". He says deadly serious and as a heavy silence follows he feels forced to explain. "Listen… I would have told you differently, but she asked me to be discreet. She just wants to see you. I think she misses you and is ready to make peace”. He confesses. Hm… I chuckle. How convenient. Her holiday is over so she's coming back to insufferable, boring Elsa. I'm a second choice. That's not a very nice feeling to be experiencing. It's bittersweet and as much as I missed her too I can't but think this is a trap. I feel a resentment I didn't think I would. "I think she feels ready to come back home". </p><p> </p><p>"How nice". I hum sardonically. "It's her idea… or yours?". I retort, crossing my fingers and looking directly in his eyes to try and guess his next lie. I don't trust him and he knows that. </p><p> </p><p>“No. It’s not my idea. She really asked me to convince you to meet with her. You would make her a big surprise if you showed up tonight. I think she would be happy about it”. I bit my lips unconvinced.  </p><p> </p><p>"Why didn't she ask me directly?". I ask, rightfully. He shakes his head. He doesn't know. "Olaf, I think you’re trying to scam me. And there’s too much at stake. So...". I try, thinking. I don't know how to put this in words. I'm scared we will fall back in the routine again. I don't want to fight with her. And as resentful and bitter I am right now, I fear I will be the cause of it. "No". I answer and he looks at me in confusion.</p><p> </p><p>"No?". He asks and I confirm. </p><p> </p><p>"I’ll wait for her to muster her courage and ask me directly even if it will take years. At least I'll be sure it's her will". I say, genuinely concerned. His mouth falls open and I can imagine with a good amount of certainty that he didn't expect this kind of answer. </p><p> </p><p>"You're free to not trust me". He answers, but then he clicks his tongue. "But I want to remind you that all of this was for her sake, not yours. I'm only asking you to check on her, to see how well she is now. How she improved. You can just sit in a corner and watch her play, you don't really need to interact with her if you don't want to. And if you think she is well enough, you could… think about taking her back home". I'm not sure… "I swear to you she would really love your presence there. All she wants is for you to forgive her. She just wants to get back in touch and, if I must be completely honest, I think she wants to spend your birthday and Christmas maybe, with you… like a normal family".</p><p> </p><p>"You told her about my birthday…?". I sigh, looking at my hands. “You know how I feel about it. I won’t celebrate it, even less with her”. </p><p> </p><p>"It would have been difficult not to, since she's asking about you constantly". </p><p> </p><p>"You didn’t tell me that. She's still obsessed with me? Even after this month?". I ask and the way he stays silent and clears his throat makes me understand that, yes. She is. And that is not a good sign. “Well… at least I have to acknowledge she’s consistent about it. I’m not sure if I should be flattered or enraged…”. </p><p> </p><p>"Fair". He answers sincerely. "But you don't have to worry about it. I think she’s come to terms with it. I'm sure she won't bug you with it. She's learned that you don't like it". He says and I  bite my lips. I don’t know what to say, but I’m learning what to think about it. I’ve been pondering about this too. For a long ass month. Alone. And I too have to admit I’ve come to terms with it my own way. But I think I got more questions than answers really. I tap on the desk with my fingers.</p><p> </p><p>She doesn’t see me as a sister. Fine. She has every right not to. We are not blood related and we didn’t grow up together. I get it. It took me weeks, but I finally got there. I was the stupid one forcing myself on her. What I was clinging on was a memory only I had. My bond with her never really existed. We are strangers. That’s what we are. And I have to respect her. </p><p> </p><p>But here comes the problem.</p><p> </p><p>If we are not sisters… What are we? Why am I keeping her around? Why am I forcing her to stay? Do I really want a stranger in my house? I promised Rapunzel I would take care of her of course and I assumed every responsibility in front of the law, but… I feel like I was scammed somehow. I thought I would get back the family I had lost, but what I got is a stranger and a difficult position I don’t want to be in. </p><p> </p><p>I don’t know her. How do I know I can trust her? For all I know she could just want to kill me. She tried to...  I could kick her out, send her home and get done with it. She would be happy… and I would be free. Now I get why she wanted to go home in the first place. She must have hated me. I would have. But then something happened in her head and we ended up… like this. And now, what am I supposed to do? I don't know. </p><p> </p><p>"Give her a chance, will you?". Olaf asks, bringing me back to earth and voicing my worst fears. Do I really have a choice? He isn't giving me any. I rub my eyes, thinking. I’m tired of this. There’s only one way for me to solve it, and I know for sure he won’t like it. </p><p> </p><p>"Where is this place?". I ask and he smiles victoriously.</p><p> </p><p>"I will give you the address. Believe me… you won't regret it". He says, grabbing a piece of paper and writing something on it quickly. I had nothing to do anyway… He closes the post-it in my hand, looking at me dead in the eye. “You will go, will you? Promise me”. He insists and I nod. He seems on seven heaven for once. He beams at me and even kisses my hands. I think he has an affection for Anna. “Thank you. You’ll make that girl so happy…”. </p><p> </p><p>“Yeah, yeah…”. I snap. “Now get out. I need to get prepared”. I order and he jumps straight up, nodding. He runs away with a strange smirk on his lips.</p><hr/><p> </p><p>When I arrive at the park I immediately regret it. It's cold. Disgustingly so. Not even all the whiskey I drank on the way here, to boost my courage, can help me. I try to cover myself with my coat while I walk but it's useless. My breath comes out in clouds and my hands are so frozen they start hurting and assuming a wine red colour. I forgot my mittens, so I have to stick them inside my pockets to not lose them. Good thing I love cold, otherwise I would have run off in an instant. </p><p> </p><p>The park is deserted, but as I walk I can hear the screams and the laughs of people playing in the distance. I keep on walking. It doesn't take me much to find the skating rink in a corner. I can see the girls playing from here, but I want to get a better view, so I climb a nearby hill and I sit on a wooden table in the middle of it, securing my feet on the bench underneath it. Let's see what Olaf is fussing about. </p><p> </p><p>It’s all girls playing, but it doesn’t take me much to find her. I spot Anna in the middle of the rink, immediately. She’s wearing a green hoodie and a pair of jeans and her red mane is brushed back in a ponytail. She had the common sense to put on a beanie and a scarf, but she forgot her mittens too. Must be a family… ahem… we are similar. She's barely able to stand on her feet on the ice. She's not good as Olaf said. On the contrary. She's clearly not fit for this game. I hug my waist, trying to convince my body to stop shivering and I keep on looking.</p><p> </p><p>I have to admit though, even if she's not that good, Olaf was right. She's a sight. She's gained a little more weight, so now she doesn't look as pale and fragile as before. She seems healthy for what I can see and from that big genuine smile she's sporting I can see… well… she's happy. She's not depressed as she was with me. That’s the most important change of all.</p><p> </p><p>I don't feel as much as resentful now. Even if she has never smiled at me like that. She seems like another person. Her eyes are lit with passion and she is actually enjoying herself. Like a girl her age should. Olaf did a good job. There's no denying that. The only thing that hurts me is that I wasn't able to help her like I wanted.</p><p> </p><p>It’s clear she's starting to get better, emotionally. Only if I were blind I wouldn't notice it. I can see she's slowly healing and I could have never imagined that, seen the way we started. This makes me really think. Would she really be happy with me? Or am I just a burden to her? The time for me to be egotistical is over.</p><p> </p><p>I take out of my coat a packet of cigarettes and I open it. There are only two left inside. This is a habit I have developed over the past two weeks. It calms me somehow. If Olaf knew he would kill me, but he is not here right now, so I take one out and I light it. I put it on my lips, puffing calmly. I cough a couple of times though. I'm not really used to it yet. My throat still burns and the smell is insufferable.</p><p> </p><p>I look around myself. The place is nice… it’s in the open and there are trees all over and benches and it seems secure and quiet enough for a bunch of girls to play, even at this hour. I feel bad for not trusting Olaf's judgment in this. Maybe I worry too much… And from here I can see the stars. They are very shiny tonight. It’s a sight I don’t get to appreciate much from my office.</p><p> </p><p>When I get my eyes back on the game I see Anna’s tumbling. Out of reflex I rush to turn off the cigarette and try to get up to save her, but I don't have the time to get up and her to fall as she saves herself, holding on on the security net all around the rink. But that's actually the problem. As she raises her head our eyes meet. My icy blue ones on her aquamarine. Her smile immediately falls and she sends me a confused and a bit scared look. This is not how I expected our meeting would end. Fuck, I shouldn't have trusted Olaf after all. </p><p> </p><p>We stay frozen like this for seconds. Neither of us is moving or losing the other out of sight. We don't know exactly what to do and I feel deeply uncomfortable in this situation. But I can’t run now, can I? She would think I'm a creep, so to diffuse the embarrassment I raise a hand to wave to her. Her eyes immediately lighten up and her smile comes back full force for me. That must be a good sign after all. She even shows me her white pristine teeth.</p><p> </p><p>She tries to get up to come and say hi, but one of her friends rushes to her, hugging her shoulders and distracting her. I look at them as they interact. Anna points at me and the girl turns to stare in my eyes. I don’t know what they are talking about, and I genuinely don’t want to know as long as it doesn’t put me in a bad position. I start looking at my hands. What am I doing? Why am I here? I bite my lips as Anna frees herself from her friends and exits the rink. She changes her shoes, jumping in those I recognize being the ones I sent her as a gift. She liked them then. That's good news. </p><p> </p><p>“Elsa! Oh my God!”. She exclaims, rushing up the hill to come find me. I sigh and stay frozen as a statue. Maybe if I pretend to be dead… Her fingers touch my hand and I jump in fear. When I look up I see Anna doubling over herself out of breath. My heart has a seizure. I got distracted. “Ehi…”. She starts softly. Her face is totally red and I don’t know if it’s for the game, the run or because she feels nervous. </p><p> </p><p>“Ehi…”. I answer as softly as her. </p><p> </p><p>"I knew it was really you… how nice to see you". She gasps with a suffering face. She wheezes for air, while I look at her in a panic. "Why didn’t you say you were here? I wouldn’t have let you wait in the cold". She asks and her tone is offended, more than enraged.</p><p> </p><p>"I was just passing by and I didn't want to ruin your game". Lie. That's a big lie and she knows. There is nothing near here that's worth visiting, so she must know I'm here solely for the purpose of seeing her… no, spy on her. That's the correct word. "You better go back, now. I'm going home". I say, trying to get up, but she doesn't let me. </p><p> </p><p>She reaches a hand out to touch mine again, but she chooses against it. She pushes both of her hands in her pockets instead as if she's scared to touch me. I look into her eyes to try and understand what she's thinking. Her face contorts in a grimace of pain and I immediately feel guilty. She's not just angry I'm here… she is terrified of me. I can clearly read the terror in her face of being slapped again. She was so damn happy a second ago… I had to fucking ruin it, right? </p><p> </p><p>"Wouldn't you mind staying instead?". She asks shyly, shifting her weight on one foot then on the other in embarrassment. "Just a bit. I would love to introduce you to my friends… maybe you could play with us…". She's so polite, so calm. So overwhelming. She's really changed over this month. She's become quiet. She's not gone mute, but she's not as talkative and neurotic as in the beginning either. That doesn't make me worried though. It's clear that she's happy and healthy and that's what matters. </p><p> </p><p>"I'm sorry. I'm not really in the mood for playing, right now”. I say gently and smile. “Maybe another time". I suggest and even if I see the disappointment in her eyes… she doesn't cry about it. She doesn't scream. She smiles sadly instead. </p><p> </p><p>"Okay". She says, nodding in agreement, obediently. "Can I sit next to you for a while before you go, then?”. I tighten my lips and then I make room for her. She climbs on the table and sits, maintaining a fair amount of distance between us. We stay here then, in silence for minutes as we watch the other girls keep on playing. They send us confused glances. This leads me to the next step.</p><p> </p><p>“They don’t know who I am, do they?”. I ask and I immediately sense this is the wrong question to start a conversation, but Anna seems calm about it. </p><p> </p><p>“Yeah, they do…”. It’s Anna's surprising answer. “I’ve been talking about you to them. Not the way you would want to, but still”. She confesses and from the way she blushes faintly I understand she didn’t mind mentioning I’m her sister. I cross my fingers holding them tight. Silence falls between us. “Do you mind?”. She finally asks and I shake my head to her utter surprise. </p><p> </p><p>“No. Why would I? You can do whatever you want Anna… I have no saying in anything you do. I never did”. She looks at me in confusion as to try and understand where I want to go with my words. “We are not family after all, are we? You owe me nothing”. And this… this is the moment the talk changes pace. She looks at me as if she’s asking herself what may have triggered this change of heart from me. “I’ve been thinking…”. Is my only answer and she seems to understand.</p><p> </p><p>"Is this your way of saying you're sorry?". She chuckles and that makes me blush this time. "This is really nice of you… but I'm not surprised at all". She says cryptically, smiling and as an embarrassed silence falls between us I find the way to break the ice.  </p><p> </p><p>"So, what's with the glances? Do they think we're breaking up or something?". I ask and she genuinely laughs this time. It's so strange. She has never laughed that way in front of me. It's nice and contagious. I feel the necessity to smile back.</p><p> </p><p>"Don’t mind them. They're just surprised you showed up so unexpectedly and…". She swings her head and gets closer. I blush and retract a bit. "They are probably trying to guess our conversation to hear if you're flirting with me". She whispers and my eyebrows snap up.</p><p> </p><p>"Oh…". I get it now. I smile evilly. "So I'm the vicious predator now, am I?”. I ask, playing the game. It seems Anna is appreciating it and I don’t wanna ruin the mood, so… </p><p> </p><p>“That’s what they assumed”. She answers. I wonder what exactly she told them, for them to assume that. But actually I don’t care. I don’t want to know what Anna thinks about me in that way. I feel better to be oblivious. Wait…</p><p> </p><p>“Did you tell them you saw me naked, did you?”. I ask and she blushes, smiling guiltily. “Oh, Anna…”. I cover my eyes mortified. “That’s unfair. How could I let you present me, now knowing this? They probably think I’m a pervert”. I defend and she nods knowing. “You’re a naughty girl…”. </p><p> </p><p>“Try saying that, with more conviction. Sexier. They might like it…”. She jokes and I push her, eliciting a fit of laughs from her. I can feel it. We are on the same page for the first time. We had to stay away from each other to get to work. Is this happiness just false? I sigh and my good mood is not so good now. “That’s totally not me!”. </p><p> </p><p>“Yes… yes, it is…”. I smile, sadly now and she understands something is wrong now. She looks at me and starts playing with her fingers. This, as pleasurable as it is, is very nerve wracking. We are both playing on thin ice. </p><p> </p><p>“Did I say something wrong?”. She asks and I shake my head, tapping on my leg with my fingers. She seems to read in my voice something even I didn’t know was there. “Okay, let’s stop pretending this is a coincidence, shall we?”. She asks, grimacing. “Elsa… I’m sorry I forced you to come. I know you didn’t want to see me”. She confesses and I look at her in confusion. “But I really want to start over”. My lips become a thin line. “I missed you”. </p><p> </p><p>“Me too”. I say, calmly, and she doesn’t seem to believe me for a second. Comprehensible. “But I’m not sure starting over would be a good choice”. I confess. Lying to her was never an option for me.</p><p> </p><p>“Because you don’t want me home? Is the fact that I’m… that I like you a problem?”. She asks and I pale. I sense a fight in the air. Good… we are back to square one.</p><p> </p><p>“I think you are better off without me”. I say. “You’ve been growing up so nicely over this month and I’m fairly sure if you spend time with me I’ll ruin you. We didn’t have the best of start”. She nods. </p><p> </p><p>“True”. She agrees, surprising me. “But I still want to try. I won’t force you… and I won’t flirt with you. I just want to come home”. </p><p> </p><p>“Why?”. I ask, genuinely curious. “We are not sisters… are we? We are not related. We just share the surname of a man we happened to know. What’s the point?”.</p><p> </p><p>“Yet, you’re still the closest thing to a sincere family I’ve ever had”. She says and that’s utterly unexpected. She smiles at me. “Do we really have to be labeled as sisters to be taking care of each other? Do we have to be anything at all? Wasn’t you the one who said that family is the people you love? And I love you. Maybe not the way you want, but I do… and I want for us to stick together. The real question here is… do you love me?”. Her talk leaves me speechless and open mouthed. “Do you love me enough to keep me around and stand me, while you give me a second chance?”. </p><p> </p><p>I wanted to send her home. To get free of her. To set myself free in the first place. But that would be something a coward would do. And papa didn’t raise no quitter. I promised I would take care of her and that’s what I’ll freaking do. That’s what papa would want from me. </p><p> </p><p>“Yeah… I do”. She smiles fondly. “But I won’t take you back home. Not yet…”. She’s doing too damn well under Olaf’s custody and I want to be sure I’ll be able to handle her. </p><p> </p><p>“Seems fair”. She shrugs. “I knew it wouldn’t be so easy. I’ll conquer your heart little by little”. I chuckle. </p><p> </p><p>“Aren’t you running a bit too fast?”. I ask.</p><p> </p><p>“Nah… I thought we were sitting”. She answers by patting on the table and I look at her in confusion before understanding. What a stupid joke. I start laughing, covering my mouth. “See?”. She asks, pointing at me. “I’m halfway there already”. She stretches her legs, looking at her friends, for a second. Was she always so confident? </p><p> </p><p>"Well… I hope you get better for the next time we'll see each other". I get up from the table under her confused stare and jump off it. </p><p> </p><p>"Are you going already? So soon?". She asks and I confirm. "Don't you want to stay, so you can meet my friends?".</p><p> </p><p>"Another time, Anna". I say, holding myself in my coat. She seems really disappointed this time. </p><p> </p><p>"Then do you want me to accompany you?". </p><p> </p><p>"I know the way, but thank you". I turn around and start to go, when I hear her voice stopping me again.</p><p> </p><p>"Elsa…". She calls me and I sigh in exasperation before looking at her. "I heard it's your birthday in a week and I was thinking… maybe I can make you a cake. Would you mind if I crashed home? Just  for a couple of hours… nothing fancy".</p><p> </p><p>“I… I will call you". I lie. Clearly so. She mimes an 'o' with her mouth and nods mortified. "I probably won’t be free that day”. I say and she seems disappointed. </p><p> </p><p>“Pity…".</p><p> </p><p>"Yeah…". I say without enthusiasm. </p><p> </p><p>"What about Christmas?". She immediately retorts and I scroll my shoulders. </p><p> </p><p>"That… could be arranged". I answer and then point to the road, before she can retort something else, preventing me from fleeing. "I really need to go now…". She gets up too, mirroring me, but before I can leave she hugs me tight. I freeze. What exactly is she doing this for? She stays like this until she seems satisfied, then she lets me go then and smiles at me.</p><p> </p><p>"I won’t pressure you… be safe". She says and I nod before I see her running back to her friends. Man, that was scary. I feel my heart beating like a drum in my chest. I checked on her as Olaf said and she seems fine. We are not ready for this clearly but… what I saw is not bad. Not bad at all. I check on her one last time before walking away.</p><p> </p><p>I arrive at the entrance when I feel my heart settling back to its normal behaviour. I even stretch and yawn. My visit was short but really intense. I feel tired now. I think a shower and a good night of sleep are in order.</p><p>
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<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Chapter 7</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Sorry for the delay... life happened. But we are back as we planned. Hope you like this chapter. News await us.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>CHAPTER 7</p><p>
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</p><p>The phone has started ringing on the table, and it’s sound is overtaken by the music of the pub I’m in. I groan, rubbing my face in confusion. I look at it uninterested, with the corner of my eye, while I play with the hem of the cup of coffee I have in front of me. I’ve been driving all night and now I’m tired as hell. It’s eight in the morning and Olaf finally must have noticed I’m not where I was meant to be. Marshall, my second PA is the best secret holder of all times. Pff… it was about time Olaf entered the equation. If he thought I would play his game, he’s mistaken. I take the cup in my hand and drink the bitter liquid on the inside, grimacing. I’ll never get used to this horrible taste. I tap my fingers on the counter unsure what to do.</p><p> </p><p>“Don’t you want to answer?”. Asks Honeymaren, the barista, looking at me in confusion. I smile at her. Me and Honeymaren, we go all the way back to highschool. We were good friends once, but now… we only see each other on these rare occasions. We spend some days together and that's it. Despite this she is the only friend I still can open to. “It’s Olaf, isn’t it?”. She asks and I raise my eyebrows, letting her know that she guessed right. “Do you think he’ll get pissed if he finds out you’re here? That you’re... with me?”. I laugh a bit. The phone stops ringing and I sigh in relief.</p><p> </p><p>“Honey, sweetheart… Olaf has no right to interfere in my life. But even if he did, I wouldn't care. I can decide with my own head”. I say. “Are you regretting inviting me here?”. I joke and she doesn’t seem happy to hear that. “I think if there is one he’s angry with, that’s totally me”. I shake my head before leaning on the table, pressing my cheek on the cold wood. She laughs. </p><p> </p><p>“And why would it be?”. She asks, cleaning a glass and I shrug. </p><p> </p><p>“Because I’m here”. I answer, but I have to explain to let her understand. “I have a sister now, Hons. I have responsibilities”. She’s surprised to hear it. I haven’t talked about Anna with her, yet. I say, then raise my index to correct myself, swaying from side to side. “No, not sisters. She wants to bang me”. She pales, like I said a horrible thing and I laugh at her. “I know! I know! That’s the face I made too”. </p><p> </p><p>“Don’t say that out loud”. She whispers, looking around herself, to be sure no one overheard that. “Someone might hear you and think you’re being serious about it”. </p><p> </p><p>“I am serious!”. I say, maybe too loud, pressing my hands on my chest. “It’s a long story, but…”. I sigh. “I tried to get her to her senses, but she doesn’t want to listen… she’s young and she thinks she can be above the law...”.</p><p> </p><p>“Tell her you’re going to jail. I’m sure she will totally listen to that”. She says and I grimace. “You’re playing with fire here”. She says judgingly. “This is nothing like the stunts we pulled when we were younger, Els. There is nothing to play with incest laws. Last rumor I heard about something like this was about a guy who was sentenced twenty years”. I know!!</p><p> </p><p>“Do you think I’m not scared by the possibility?”. I ask. “But as long as it stays just a fantasy for her, it’s ok. They can’t punish a thought”. I hold my hands in a death vice. She doesn’t have to know that we already kissed once, right? Hmm… better not. “She totally won’t believe me, anyway… she thinks that since I am adopted, I’m available”. She shakes her head. </p><p> </p><p>“Then get unadopted before she has you arrested”. I laugh heartily now, shaking my head. Even if t was possible and as simple as she puts it… well there are other difficulties.</p><p> </p><p>“And loose papa’s company? For a fantasy of hers? Hell, no”. I say, drinking another sip. “He worked too hard to keep it from being ripped into pieces between shareholders. He would come from the dead to haunt me. Better to be in jail, than to disappoint him”. I scratch my neck. "And also I'm not entirely sure I want to… befriend my sister in that kind of way".</p><p> </p><p>"That 'entirely' scares me". Says Honeymaren, making a face and I’m tired enough, and she knows me so deeply, to convince me to start opening up on this matter. I brush back my hair from my forehead. </p><p> </p><p>"Well, she's cute”. I admit, once and for all. “I should be blind not to notice". I confess quietly and she looks at me as if a second head has grown on my neck. “But her personality is enough to keep me focused”. I laugh and Honeymaren just shakes her head. I think she wants to retort, but my phone starts ringing again. “Can I have one day for me, Olaf?!”. I get enraged at the phone. “Sorry, I need to answer or he will never let me be”. I say and she nods, knowingly. I get up and I finally take the first call of the day, but before that I clear my throat, trying to sound more intimidating than I am. </p><p> </p><p>“Ehi, Olaf…”. I murmur, trying to talk quietly and what surprises me is that what follows is not an interrogation, but a full statement. </p><p> </p><p>“I know where you are. I tracked your phone. Get back home now”. He menaces and I internally scream. Here we go. I have feared this same conversation all day. “Get back home. I’m serious this time”. He insists and I groan, but before I can say anything he stops me. "Anna made you a cake, you know… why don’t you come back and spend your day in a more healthy way with her? She deserves your affection, Elsa; unlike Honeymaren". I sigh. So he does remember the accident.  </p><p> </p><p>“Honeymaren’s my friend”. I defend her and I can imagine the face he is making right now. He must be disgusted and angry. </p><p> </p><p>“She broke our heart. Both of ours. You must remember. You were there. Why still befriend her?”. He asks and I bite my lips. “She’s only playing with you”. </p><p> </p><p>“Why still befriend you then?”. I ask and he shuts up. He knows he can’t retort to this. “This is none of your business”. I retort, seriously and he falls silent. He must have sensed I’m not in the mood to play. “What I do with my life is none of your business… nor Anna’s. So cut me some slack, will you?”. I whisper angrily and he doesn’t answer. “Thank Anna for the cake. Tell her I appreciate it and tell her I will eat it when I come back”.</p><p> </p><p>“The cake is gonna go to waste before you’ll get back here”. He says and I shrug. It’s not my problem. I told her I wouldn’t be available today, so… they can’t blame me for being too direct. </p><p> </p><p>“Listen to me, just one time Elsa. Come back and stop being a child. She doesn’t want to spend your birthday with you. Getting drunk with her and puking all week is not the answer. We’ve been there”. I grimace. Well in my head sounds better than in his. “Anna really loves you instead”. Yeah… maybe too much. </p><p> </p><p>“Bye Olaf”. I say and I close the call in his face, before going back to Honeymaren that smiles at me. “So… what are our plans for today?”. I ask and she shrugs, laughing quietly. “You didn’t ask me to come all the way here just to look at you, right?”. </p><p> </p><p>“Would you have problems with that?”. She asks and I raise my eyebrows. No… no I wouldn’t. “Give me some time to close this ugly place and then we can talk. I… have some news for you”. She suggests and I smile. </p><p> </p><p>“Good news or bad ones?”. She smiles and doesn’t answer. I sit back. Maybe this birthday will not be that bad. </p><hr/><p> </p><p>I bite my lips, putting the freshly baked cake on the table. This is my third attempt, but I think I did a good job this time. I look at it. It seems evenly cooked, unlike the other two, and edible. The smell of chocolate it gives off is delicious. Atta girl, Anna! I take away the oven mitts from my hands and put them on the table, proud of my good work. Now I’ll just need to glaze it and it will be ready. I feel nervous. I don’t know if I want to see Elsa. </p><p> </p><p>Last time we met I was a disaster. She was so beautiful and I was so awkward. She seemed strangely cold, distant. I didn’t expect that. I thought she would be happy to see me, but she didn’t and I don’t know if she would be now. </p><p> </p><p>I look at Olaf who’s talking with her over the phone, in the other room, hoping she will accept to meet me today, but from the enraged way he is acting, I know my hope is misplaced. That’s so sad. I worked so hard for this cake… I look at it again, mortified. I must have known it from the beginning. She will never forgive me for what I did to her. I should just give up and let her be. I tap my fingers on my knees, waiting for the final answer. He sighs and looks at the phone, closing the call. I've never seen him so defeated. </p><p> </p><p>He then looks at me and he is wearing a blank, sorry mask on his face and seems exhausted. He looks at me in pity, and I understand immediately that the talk has been a fiasco. A huge fiasco. </p><p> </p><p>“She said no, did she?”. I ask and he looks at me mortified. He is so pained he grimaces about it. I let out a nervous chuckle. “There is no need to feel bad about it”. I say, to convince myself more than him. I swallow, gulping down the tears that are desperately trying to fill my eyes. I feel so rejected and disappointed. She had warned me and yet I thought she would still find a moment for me. Oh… I was wrong. No more time for Anna… no more nice chats and good feelings between us. I ruined it. “I mean… she said she had plans for today. It’s okay… Yeah... I knew it. Maybe another time…”. </p><p> </p><p>“Anna… don’t cry”. He whispers, coming back in the kitchen and I hurry to dry my tears with the back of my hand, so he can’t see them. “She’s being careless and stupid Anna. She’s not thinking… I wouldn’t read anything in this”. He explains, trying to console me. “Do you feel so hurt that you need to weep about it?”. He asks and I look at him in the eyes. How else should I feel? I’ve been baking cakes for hours to make them work. I mean… I’m putting so much effort in this, for fuck’s sake. All I want is for her to do the same from her end. “She’s Elsa… she’s always been a bit bitchy. That’s nothing new”. He says, clarifying and I groan. It is for me. She’s never acted like that with me. </p><p> </p><p>“I don’t know, Olaf… yeah… maybe...”. I whisper, grimacing and then a tense silence follows. I don’t really know how to make this better. Olaf looks at me waiting and when he understands I won’t add anything, he seems disappointed. </p><p> </p><p>“That’s it?”. He asks and I nod sadly. “Oh, come on…”. He laments. “You’re better than this. You’re not a crybaby, Anna. You have to fight for her. Did you really think it would be that easy?”. I grimace even worse. My face now verges the one a person who’s having a stroke would have. </p><p> </p><p>“If I must be sincere… yes”. I begin, tormenting my hands. “I thought she cared for this reconciliation as much as I do. And instead…”. I breathe deeply, totally panicking, opening and closing my mouth so fast and my chest moving so fast I feel like passing out. “I’m so overwhelmed by her. Do you feel me? Last time, I nearly broke my neck so happy I was to see her”. He chuckles, thinking it’s a joke, but it’s not. “I’m serious, man… she’s gotten so beautiful over this month I tripped on my feet and I nearly face-palmed the floor, but she was...”. I open my arms with a wince. “... an ice block. Literally. Zero emotion overlapping. She was totally absent”. I tell, making hair with my hands to my face. I'm burning… What if I’m really having a stroke? Man… I’m so enraged! “That’s not fair!”. from embarrassment. </p><p> </p><p>“I know it isn’t”. He says, sincerely and I cover my face to hide my emotions. “She’s not been fair to you. But if that can make you feel better, she’s never fair to anyone. I think the way she treated you in the beginning… well… it was just her trying to be nice. She’s not really like this. She wanted to make a good impression on you, but the more you’ll get to know her, the more you’ll realise that she… is the exact opposite”. He explains. “She’s insecure”.</p><p> </p><p>“Oh, I noticed that”. I confirm immediately. “But I don’t care. I can deal with everything. I just want a chance. I mean…”. And now I go full lucubration mode. “Nah… I’m being stupid. Don’t listen to me”. I swallow heavily and make a face. “You know what… I don’t feel like going to school today. I will just…”. I try to surpass him to go hide in my room, but he stops me, holding me by my shoulders. “So what… she isn’t ready to bond with me. It’s all right. Suits her well...”. I confess and he shakes his head. He knows Elsa enough to know what I’m talking about. How stubborn she is. “So… what do I do now? I give up?”. He looks at me and then he closes his eyes and says no with his head. </p><p> </p><p>“No”. He says definitely and I look at him in confusion. “Get your bag. You’re going on a trip”. I open my mouth, not knowing what’s happening nor what to say. “You’re going to get her back home”.</p><p> </p><p>“Ok, I… wait. What?”. I ask and he nods even more slowly, trying to convince himself and me of the horrible and creepy thing he said. “Me?”. I ask, pointing at my chest and he nods. I laugh and shake my index. “No… I don’t want to enrage her, Olaf…”. He looks at me furious. </p><p> </p><p>“Yes… yes you are”. He announces and I look at him in horror. “You will. Get your bag now. It’s an order”. I look at him and I have the feeling this is not just about me anymore. There must be something he is not telling me. “If I know her enough, she’s not coming back for christmas. So you have to get her back...”. He snaps his fingers in my face and I growl. “... and prevent her from drinking herself to death”. He says and I laugh.</p><p> </p><p>“There’s no way…”. I say offended but the look he gives me, makes me stop from laughing. He’s not joking. Elsa doesn’t really strike me as one who drinks much, but he seems damn serious about it. </p><p> </p><p>“Then, you’re gonna lose her”. He warns me, looking at me with his inexpressive eyes.  “Sometimes I forget you’re still young and naive. The romantic idea of love must be all over your head right now. The kisses, holding hands… the idea that you can overcome everything just because you believe it”. He complains. “But the world of adults is different. It’s harsh and cruel and if you want to win with her, you must play her same game. Do you really think that you love for her would make some difference for Elsa?”. He asks and I nod immediately. He laughs quietly. “Do you have any idea of how many people she has slept with?”. I deadpan. I’ve never asked myself that. Not that I really want to know actually. Knowing Elsa...</p><p> </p><p>"I don't know… three? Four?".</p><p> </p><p>"Fifty-seven". I look at him two times to be sure I hear what he said.</p><p> </p><p>"That's… very specific". I try and I see a small smile on his lips. Hm… I sense a lie.</p><p> </p><p>“Have you seen her?”. I choke on the truth. “She doesn’t care about love. She had that shit and I'm pretty sure she’s already fed up with it”. I open my mouth. I don’t really know how to answer. “Do you think she finds it cute? No. You have to play dirty. You have to beat her to her senses”. </p><p> </p><p>“No, dude!”. He closes his eyes. "Now… could you please stop joking like that? You're creeping me out". He laughs quietly. </p><p> </p><p>“What if I told you, she’s with her ex-wife?”. I freeze in motion. What did he say? I look at him in confusion and his lips become a thin line. Silence falls between us and I try to figure out if he is just trying to buy me or if he means it. “Anna, if you want her you must fight for her. There are things she will never tell you”. </p><p> </p><p>“What do you mean?”. I ask in confusion and he smiles, knowing he won. </p><p> </p><p>“Go there and find out by yourself”. He suggests looking at me dead in the eye. I look at my hands thinking. Do I really want to believe what he is saying? I nod unconsciously and he takes it as an answer. “Then get your sorry butt upstairs and take your bag. Come on”. He put a bug in my head, now… I don’t know anything about Elsa. How do I plan on making her fall in love with me? That’s fucked up. </p><p> </p><p>"What if she gets angry?”. </p><p> </p><p>"Then you get angrier". He says. I nod. "Don't worry Anna. She's just confused right now. She will come around eventually". Do I want to find out how right he is? Do I want to pass up the opportunity to see her? </p><p> </p><p>“Okay. Let’s do this”. </p><p>
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<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Chapter 8</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Here we go. This chapter is longer than the others. It's a bit of a present from me for not being able to write it fast enough. I hope you like it. Let me know in the comments.</p><p>Please, remember: I don't have a beta yet, so there might be typos herer and there. I'm sorry for that.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>CHAPTER 8</p><p>
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</p><p>Hours later I'm sitting in Honeymaren's closed pub, at one of the tables. I cross my legs and my fingers sighing heavily. She's running around to gather whatever she's searching for, probably glasses, and the silence is so unbearable I can't stand it anymore. I start tapping on the table with my fingers.</p><p>“So… what did you want to talk about? What is this awesome news you wanted to announce?”. I ask. My arms are crossed and so are my legs. I look at her with a smug face and she raises her eyebrows. I can see she is nervous now and that is not a good start. It means she’s gonna tell me something I won’t like and she knows it. </p><p>“Do you want something to drink? I remember I have one of those bottles that you liked so much, somewhere”. She asks, changing the topic and I refuse. Here we go. She already wants to numb me so she can get away with it. She searches behind the counter and finds it.</p><p>“Drinking with you always means that I find myself in some tough position, so no. I’ll pass”. I try to say, but she doesn’t listen. She opens the bottle and pours some of the liquor in it in a glass and pushes it under my nose. “You know this won’t make me soft about what you’re probably going to tell me”. She smiles sadly and sits on the chair across from mine. She’s not drinking this time and that puts me on the defensive. “I feel it’s not good news, is it?”. </p><p>“It depends on what you’re expecting”. She says, smiling uncertain and I laugh quietly, shaking my head and keeping my eyes low. I'm expecting bad news.</p><p>"Oh, now it's on me?". I joke, tapping on the table with my fingers, hardly. "Ok… ok… let's hear it?". </p><p>"You know... the divorce was approved. The papers must have had to arrive to you too". She starts, pressing her hands on the table and I bite my lips. I know where this is going and I don't like it. </p><p>"The divorce I specifically asked for?". I ask, feigning innocence. "Yeah. It took a while, but… I got the news. Thank you". </p><p>"Well". Her lips become a thin line. "Listen, I know we are supposed to sign them to confirm it and I thought that, maybe… you would think against it". I stop her immediately. I don't even want to know where she's trying to go with that phrase. </p><p>"I don't want you back". I intercept, surprising her. She falls silent. "You cheated on me and in the most horrible way possible I might add. You slept with my best friend. There is no way we are getting back together. I can't forgive you".</p><p>"But you are willing to fuck with me every other day". She says with resentment and I bite my lips again. She's not yet learned that I don't like that kind of language. My fingers finally stop drumming against the wood. Now my hand lies flat on it. </p><p>"Actually I am here to ask you to stop. Stop calling me, stop inviting me here". I say and she looks at me as if she didn't expect that answer. "I think we’ve been tiptoeing around this too much for it to still be considered sane. I want to cut it off. Forever, this time". I insist. "Don't get me wrong. It was fun. We had to come to terms with the situation. But this has to stop now. Our life together is over. If you want to get back to the point we were when you decided you didn't like it anymore... No. I can't give you that trust". I smile gently. "There's a condition in our divorce contract. Do you remember? No getting back". </p><p>"You're pragmatic as always". She says, clearly disappointed. "Even when we were together. It was just… a matter of business for you".</p><p>“That’s a skill you specifically forced me to use against you. You can’t blame me for it. I had to protect myself”. I intercept, immediately entering defensive mode. </p><p>"Have you ever loved me, Elsa?". She asks and I now know we are playing the blame game. We always do this. We blame each other for the turn our life took and then we… I clear my throat. </p><p>"Before you cheated on me, ruined my life and set everything on flames, creating a monstrous inferiority complex between me and Olaf, for which we fight daily?". I swing my head. "Hm… yes. Yes I did". I confess. "I fought my father for you and I married you. If that’s an indication for anything. I have never done this for anyone else, so…". I get the glass on the table and I swallow it. She's finally done it. Making me desire a drink. Only thinking about the whole ordeal makes me uneasy. I groan from the sourness. I push the empty glass in her direction, asking her to refill it. </p><p>"Don't you want to go back to those days when we were happy together?". She asks, filling the glass with the whiskey bottle she had placed on the table. Instinctively I shake my head.</p><p>"Just to replay everything back from the start?". I ask, downing the second glass. "Hmm… no". I ask sincerely. I clear my throat. "I have Anna now. I have responsibilities. I can let her go like that to play this game with you. She needs me more than you ever did. And she… probably cares more than you ever did". I say, licking my lips. “And also, I don’t love you anymore”.</p><p>"That hurts". She groans.</p><p>"Isn't it true, though?". I ask and I wait expectantly. "Isn't it ironic that the only person that loves me the most is also the one I can't love back?". I breathe. My mind is already going places. The alcohol is definitely kicking in now. I clear my voice. "Tell me why you called me here and let's cut it. I can imagine you didn’t want to talk about the divorce. Are you pregnant perhaps?". I ask and now I'm getting a little crossed. </p><p>"No". She says immediately and I breathe a sigh of relief I didn't know I was holding. "But I could be if you wanted to". She announces and my eyes snap open in confusion. I don't have time to ask what she means, that she takes out of the counter a paper bag full of documents and she places it in front of my face. "Read it". She says. I’ve already had enough of this, but what other choice do I have? I've come this far… might as well play her game for a while. I open the folder and check the inside. I am very surprised to read what's written in it. I look at her with my mouth agape. </p><p>"You can't be serious". I say out of breath, but she smiles and she nods, sitting on the chair across from mine. "When did you receive this?". I point at the documents and she bites her lips. </p><p>"The other day. I called you as soon as I could". Honeymaren says. "I thought you would like it. Olaf had to sign it in the end. My lawyers got it as compensation. And I thought that if he broke our marriage, he might as well put it back together. That’s the good news". She says, pointing at the package. I say no with my head. "We still could make it, Elsa… fuck the divorce".</p><p>"No…". I say and I look at her in the eyes. "Still going around my back with him, are you?".</p><p>"Hardly. It was just meant to be a surprise". Honeymaren says. "I thought it would make you happy. Isn't this what you always wanted? To have a family? Well… with Olaf's help, now we could…".</p><p>"This won't solve anything". I say, closing the folder. I don’t want to set my eyes on that paper as long as I live. "And I think I now understand why he is desperately trying to get me convicted now". I say, realizing everything. "He's trying to get some kind of revenge on me. For all this you have been pulling around my back as usual". And then my thought goes to Anna. I cover my eyes. Damn… how could I be so stupid. </p><p>I get up and she looks at me in confusion. </p><p>"I think we said everything we had to say to each other". I say in a final tone. "Please don't call me anymore and please… please, sort things out with Olaf. I'm really starting to get tired of the both of you bickering. This is getting unpleasant. I don’t want for the two of you to drag Anna into this". I get up and place the glass on the table. Honeymaren looks at me with a sad face. </p><p>“Is this your last word on it?”. She asks and I confirm. She doesn’t seem happy about it. “I know you’re enraged with me and Olaf and that your mother’s death and all that came after hasn’t helped, but you are making a mistake here. You’re not good at processing feelings Els. It’s still so clear…”. She points at me, as I desperately try to escape from all of this. “It has been rough months for you. I'm sure you feel confused and overwhelmed, but shutting everyone out is not the cure. Think about it”. I don’t want to listen and I walk back to the front door, but even before I can set a foot out, she seems to feel the desire to tell me the last important thing. “She’s not gonna cure your solitude, you know”. She is resentful and I am resentful of her for saying it. I turn my back and get out.</p><p>I walk back to the parking lot, I get in my car, I sit in it, I lock the door. I press my head on the steering wheel and then I stop moving. I close my eyes, breathe in and out heavily for moments, to ride the panic that has taken possess of me. Ansia is a bitch. It takes me moments but my mind finally registers that I am alone and my shoulder relaxes and then I finally breathe one last sigh of relief. Silence for once, just silence. My thoughts come back timidly, now that my rage is disappearing and that my ears have stopped ringing that much. My heart slowly gets back to beating normally and I finally feel… safe. I gulp down in relief. </p><p>I stay motionless for moments, listening to nothing, pressing my hands together and then, to my own surprise one sob forces itself out of me. And while my brain, analytical and sharp as ever, registers it as something out of me, something that is not meant to happen and tries to shut it up… my body is not responding. Other sobs follow and before I can even notice, I’m crying. My eyes fill with tears, my breath starts hiccupping and trembling.</p><p>“Don’t cry… It’s so pathetic. You have no reason to cry now”. I command myself, drying my tears with the back of my pullover sleeve. But my voice is thin and has lost all of the commanding verve of it. I sigh, swallowing down all of my feelings with force and I lean on the back of the seat. Silence is so undervalued…</p><p> </p><p>And then something knocks on my car's window. I jump up in fear, holding my heart and trying to recollect myself enough to understand what’s happening and why my personal moment has come to an end so abruptly. And when I look at the door, my eyes snap open. Anna is knocking on the window with a worried look on her face. She keeps on knocking insistently, while my brain tries to take back possession of all of its functions. I look at her still not believing. She must be Anna, but it can’t be… we’re two hundreds and fifty miles from Arendelle.</p><p>“Are you crying?”. She asks and her voice is panicking now. She’s worried. Her eyebrows nearly touch from confusion and fear. She tries to open the door, with a rage fit, but it’s clearly locked, so she knocks again. “Open up!”. She commands, even if her voice is barely audible. “Open up now!”. She pulls the knob so forcefully I fear she’s gonna break it. Damn Anna. And there my brain starts working again. I push the door’s button and she opens the door. She immediately jumps at my neck, hugging me and holding me as hard as she can. Is she trying to choke me? I can’t breathe. </p><p>“Ok…”. I whisper, out of air. “Ok, enough”. I command, but she’s not letting go. She holds me harder if possible and I feel myself starting to suffocate. “Anna…”. I warn her but she’s not listening and I soon understand why. She’s crying too. She’s whining too, loudly, sniffling. She holds on to me for dear life. No… she’s actually holding on to me like I’m going to <em> die </em>. She pulls on my pullover and on my head to get the most closer to me she is able to. What is happening? I think she’s having a nervous reaction. </p><p>“I was… so… scared”. She sobs. What’s with this fight or flight reaction? She can’t be so scared because I was crying. “Don’t leave me Elsa. I’ll be good. Please”. And when she starts trembling like a leaf from head to toes I’m scared she’s going to faint and I have to hold her back. “Olaf told me…”. She cries. “Olaf told me you were here with your wife…”. And as she says this, everything downs on me. I close my eyes and I feel myself freeze. I understand what’s happening now. “Don’t leave me”.</p><p>She’s jealous. She’s so jealous and scared she can’t even talk. And the only way her body knows to vent up her frustration and her fear… is this one. More to a primitive level than a conscious one.</p><p>I look up to her shoulder and I see Olaf there, smiling and waving at me with his hand, with his naive expression… maybe a too smug one. A picture of Anna sitting in his car for five hours straight with the thought of me cheating on her pure and faithful heart, crosses my mind. I can imagine him trying to corrupt the idealized image she has of me, all the way in those five hours and finally succeeding in it to a so fundamental core, that she is reduced to a bubbling mess. She’s just a kid for heaven’s sake. There was no need to do this to her.  </p><p>I feel something bubbling from inside my guts. It’s something I don’t usually feel, because it's the only emotion I know so well I can control, but now… I feel so enraged. I’m literally fuming. My nostrils flare. I want to punch him! In the face! I need to calm down, but Anna's constant crying isn’t helping my cause, so I pat her back gently. </p><p>“Oh, Anna… I’m so happy you came to wish me happy birthday”. I lie shamelessly, glaring at Olaf, who’s clearly enjoying himself. Anna seems to get rigid somehow. I’m sure she didn’t expect for me to be so compliant. How to blame her. She finally lets me go, to look at me in the eyes. Hers are red and puffy. Her aquamarine irids stand out on everything else. Her cheeks are covered in tears and her face is so pale her red lips look even more red. She sniffles. </p><p>“Are you?”. She asks with some levels of uncertainty in her voice. She hiccups trying to contain herself. She knows I’m lying, but she is so appalled that she doesn’t seem to care. I nod even if I can’t force a smile out of myself and my face stays stern and emotionless. I pull up my thumbs and dry her eyes carefully. I don’t want to hurt her, so I press my fingertips on her skin only when needed.  </p><p>“Yeah, baby”. I breathe and she gulps down her tears with her lips still trembling. She lowers her gaze. “Get in the car”. She looks at me as if she can’t believe her ears, so I take her hands in mine and nod, waiting for it to sink. “We are going on a trip. Only the two of us. I need to talk to you”. Her mouth falls agape and then she obeys. It was simple like that.  </p><p>“I need to get my bag… and I have no clothes…”. </p><p>“No need for them”. I say and I get off of the car as she becomes a pale shade of magenta. I motion for the passenger's seat. “I need to talk with Olaf for a second”. I stand beside her, before she gets around the car and climbs inside. She’s so small, so fragile. I walk to Olaf, who pushes his back away from the car and smiles at me. </p><p>“Elsa! Nice to see you”. He tries, but my hand on his cheek is faster. The slap is so clear even Anna turns to look at us. “What is this for?”. </p><p>“I know what game you are playing…”. I breathe menacingly. My teeth are closed so tightly they are starting to hurt. I see realisation in his eyes even if he tries everything in his power to fake it. “You solve your problems and keep Anna out of this, you hear me? Or I’m gonna hunt you down to hell”. He gasps and stays motionless. “I hope you are ready to clear your desk, because I’ve had enough of your games”. I say and pull out my hand. “My stuff, please”. </p><p>He sighs. He knew what he was going to get, that’s for sure, because he doesn’t even try to replicate. He just takes the keys of both my houses, the company’s pass, the phone I gave him and passes them to me. Then he opens the car back seat and gives me Anna’s backpack. I take it. </p><p>“Was it so difficult to wait like I asked you to?”. I ask and he remains silent. “Did you really think I wouldn’t notice?”. He doesn’t say anything and I know this is just part of his plan. He never surrenders like this. He is too smart for not having considered this eventuality. “Get your head off of things for a while and then… you can come back”. I say this, but he knows there is no chance. I stuff his things in Anna’s bag and I notice something in there. Something shiny. I close it as fast as I can before really finding out and I get back to my car. Olaf is standing there now. Not as smug as before. I pull Anna’s backpack on the back seat and climb behind the wheel. She looks at me. </p><p>“What has happened?”. She asks, but I shake my head. </p><p>“Nothing”. I answer and I know this is not enough to calm her curiosity, but she doesn’t ask. She seems so happy to have my attention that she puts her safety belt on and waits patiently for us to take off. We drive across the parking lot under Olaf’s gaze, before getting inside the road. I’m still angry. The vein in my temple is still pulsing. While we wait for the traffic to let us in, I text Marshall, my second P.A. not to let Olaf near the company ever, at any cost. If he thinks I’m an idiot, he’s gonna have a surprise. </p><p>“Where are we going?”. Anna asks, looking at the road and I hold the steering wheel with consciousness now. I had planned for it to be a surprise but Olaf and Honeymaren ruined it. I’m not in the mood for going through this anymore. </p><p>“I’m taking you to a nice place for a while. I want to spend some time with you”. I say and my tone sounds more commanding than caring. I feel like I’m scolding her, but she looks surprised. She smiles and jumps happily in her seat and this… this forces a subtle smile out of me. The things this kid does to me… She holds her trembling hands together. She seems nervous but also excited about it and then she snaps, making me and my heart leap.</p><p>“I forgot the cake in Olaf’s car!”. She exclaims. Damn… she nearly had me there. I breathe out a trembling sigh, and try to calm my heart, patting on it with my hand. <em> Shush, shush, everything's fine, </em>I say to it. I don’t like sudden scare jumps, but she doesn’t seem to notice. She’s too concerned. “Oh, I’m sorry Elsa… I worked so hard on it and now you have no cake”. </p><p>“Don’t worry. You will have time and space to bake another if you want to”. I assure, placing a hand on her tight. She immediately falls silent, looking at me. “I was going to come get you. There was no reason for you to come all the way here”. I say and she looks at me like she doesn’t believe it. “I’ve been planning this for days. Olaf knew that”. </p><p>“He did?”. Of course she doesn’t know about it. “But you came all the way here…”. </p><p>“It was just for the morning. I had to set some things”. I confess and she looks at me, waiting for the moment I’m gonna explain everything to her. I press my lips tight and I decide that this mystery holding has to end. “I had to talk to her. We got the divorce and she wanted to…”. I gulp down. I don’t want to talk about it. I look at the road, trying to find the words. “She proposed to me to have a baby together”. I say and as I do, the words sound so stupid and umbelievable to me I even chuckle, but when I turn to look at Anna, I find she’s having another reaction entirely. </p><p>She seems on the verge of puking. She’s so pale her eyes cave in and her stomach is turning so painfully I swear I can feel it myself, she grimaces in distress and I mimic her for a second. Damn… she’s so readable it’s also hurtful to watch. And now I know, from the way she looks away and forces herself to smile even if she doesn’t have it in herself. I know that she really loves me the way she claims. Otherwise, why would she feign her pain?</p><p>“Lovely”. She says. Her voice is strained and choked. That’s it. She doesn’t even try to change the topic. She doesn’t try to run away from it. Not emotionally and neither physically. My poor baby. </p><p>“I said no. Nothing happened”. I say, but she doesn’t seem relieved. Her face is still frowned. She looks at me and then at the window in total silence. “I think this is it”. I conclude and she nods, understanding. We stay in silence long, also because I think we’re both tired. It has been a difficult day and it’s only three o’clock yet. </p><p>She dozes off somewhere halfway. I find out, not only because she stops moving but because I can feel her snoring lightly. I turn to look at her and I immediately remember that time on the plane. I find myself smiling again. She’s so cute when she sleeps. I don’t really know if she would be able to sleep anywhere or if she just trusts me enough to be that vulnerable around me. She presses her face on the window and keeps on sleeping soundly. And then, only then I dare reach out and brush her cheek with the back of my index. Her skin is warm and soft. I feel a jolt cross my back, but I shut it up. I press my hand on her head and she groans in satisfaction. I take back my hand when I’m sure she won’t wake up and I keep on driving. </p><p>Slowly the landscape in the back turns into woods and the road becomes a muddy lane. On my left down hill is a small wooden village, with its smoking chimneys and on my right is the mountain. I turn right and at some point a gate opens for me in the middle of the woods. I push the button on my remote control and finally we are crossing the pathway to my winter house. It opens in front of us, well me since Anna’s still sleeping, the image of a wooden cottage. The sky is cloudy and I know it will probably snow soon. We arrived just in time. </p><p>I park in front of the house and when I get off I hear it. The silence. Nature is quiet here and we are surrounded by it. I sigh in relief. There’s no one here for miles and miles. No one who could spy on us, no one who could interrupt us, but most importantly and fearfully, no one who could save me from her. I had been scared to take her here before, but now I feel it’s fine… I feel it’s right. I need to share this with her.</p><p>So I open her door and pull her up. She groans, but doesn’t wake up. She’s a heavy sleeper all right! Mostly heavy. I huff as I hold her on my shoulder, closing the door with my foot. She doesn’t move an inch. At this point any human being would have woken up, at least for a surviving instinct. But not her. No madam!</p><p>I carry her all the way to the porch. I stand there huffing for a while as I search for my keys in my pockets and then finally the door opens. No one comes here so the place is exactly as I left it last time I was here. Dark, cold and messy. Exactly as I love it. I get inside, close the uptenth door and carry her to what I know is a couch. I slowly lean her on it and then I strip her of her coat. She swallows with a string of saliva running down her mouth. She must have been tired. I tuck her arm, that’s swinging off the couch, on her stomach and I cover her with the first blanket I find on the back of the couch. She does the rest, curling up on one side and muttering something incomprehensible. </p><p>I muffle a laugh with my hand and I crawl in silence towards the point I know there’s a fireplace. I work minutes in the dark to find all of the resources I need and then, finally a fire sparks bright, lighting the room a bit. I sigh in satisfaction, sitting in front of it. The light is the first thing that comes out of it, but in time the smell of burnt pine fills the room and there’s the warmth. I breathe in and out a couple of times. Why does this feel like home to me? I could sit here for hours, but I know I have things to do, so I get up and exit the house again while Anna sleeps and I go checking that we still have enough wood for our staying in the shed and unpacking the groceries I had prepared. </p><p>When I get back to the still dimly lit living room she’s still sleeping soundly. This time I can’t really let her be, so I lean on her and blow on her ear. She immediately awakes with a start. I chuckle as she turns to look at me, confused and with her ears red til the tips. I think I found her soft spot. She blushes profusely, covering them as if she knows that I’m looking at them. I smile at her with all of my teeth and she deadpans at me with her eyes big. </p><p>“How long do you plan on snoring, sleepyhead?”. I ask, mocking her and she pouts and her eyebrows frown. She’s comically cute now. With her face all puffy and read from embarrassment and sleep and that angry expression of hers. “We need to head out”. </p><p>“I’m not a sleepyhead”. She groans, really feeling the need to clarify it and looking around herself to understand where I took her. She can’t really see much now, since the only light is the fire. “Where are we again?”. She asks but I just shrug. If she had wanted to know she only had to stay awake. “Feeling mischievous today, are you?”. I chuckle. </p><p>“Maybe”. I whisper and she flares even more if she can. I’m getting a like to tease her. She goes where I want her to without me even trying. Oh, I would love to get inside her head to see what she’s thinking now, even if I can imagine it. “So… I’m going. Are you coming?”. I ask and she looks outside the window on the stairs on the other side of the house. She sees the sky and shivers. </p><p>“Do we really need to?”. She asks genuinely. “Can’t we stay in instead? We could… I don’t know… cuddle?”. It seems her brain is already going places after being awake for five seconds, but I don’t care because I notice her good mood is back too. </p><p>“It’s my birthday. Would you want to disappoint me?”. I say pouting like a wounded puppy. I try my deer eyes, but she doesn’t fall for them. She grimaces in heavy thought, so I have to use the ‘ultimate excuse’. I get up and I shrug casually. “Ok, I am going alone then”. I say and I stroll back to the entrance where I left my coat. “You can stay, but don’t wait for me. I’m probably going to come back late. I’ll drink and maybe I’ll find a boy or two to have fun with”. I haven’t yet finished saying it, that she makes a face. A horrified one. I can hear the siren alarm going off in her head from here. </p><p>“No boys! No alcohol!”. She exclaims offended and I smile evilly. As I said she’s too simple to turn in my hands. </p><p>“What would you know… You won’t be there to check on me, so…”. She groans and gets up as fast as she can. <em> Good girl, Anna. </em>She gets her coat back on, muttering profanities about boys and I bite down a chuckle. I take a beanie and I press it on her head, before I put a scarf on her. “So, you are coming?”. I ask feigning innocence and she looks at me unemotionally. </p><p>“Shut up”. She breathes and this time I laugh. She blushes again, the poor thing. Just now that she had regained her composure. As I open the door, she precedes me out and she’s jumping. A rage jumping. I think only her can do that. “What are we waiting for?”. She asks, reaching the car. “Boys!”. She scoffs. “You are too young for boys missy”. </p><p>“I’m older than you by ten years”. I retort, but this doesn’t stop her from saying:</p><p>“You will never be old enough for boys”. And now, if I really had wanted to, I could have won this battle, but instead I bite my lips, guide her across the porch and in the lawn that will lead us to the next village. Better to go on foot. I don’t want to risk my car. I gulp down my laugh. I let her have it for now. I’ll hide that phrase in a dark corner of my mind to pull it out when most needed. When she doesn’t expect it.</p><p>We walk then and I feel my ears, my nose and my fingers become redder and redder from the cold. I cover my hands in my pocket as she looks at me. She seems worried about it, but she doesn’t say a word about it. She’s too concerned pouting right now. Luckily I'm not one who extremely feels the cold. </p><p>“Why are you pouting now?”. I ask, curious. I have to follow her slowly. I never had that spark in me that she’s showing, leaping here and there like a bunny. I am old inside. “Is it for boys or because you didn’t want to come?”. </p><p>“I’ll have you know that I’m pouting because I wanted to cuddle!”. She yells back at me and I realize. Oh… that seems fair. I smile. She’s a horny teen, after all and I’m suddenly realizing, I could be having this way worse. She could be following boys… or girls, but as long as she’s directing all of those attentions to me, I don’t need to worry, right? I am in control of her. No kissing in the back of my car… no sudden surprises. My brain claps at the awesomeness of it. “Could we just cuddle? It’s cold out here! My feet are freezing”. She snaps, jumping up and down and now I get she’s doing all of this to get warm. “How can you be so comfortable with this?”.</p><p>“I’ve lived here for years”. That’s my answer. “I’m used to it”. We cross a bridge and I’m fairly scared that she’s gonna fall off. Hopefully it won’t happen and when we are near the village I feel more reassured.</p><p>When the village comes into sight with it’s chimneys, the white roofs and it’s lights in the dark of winter Norway, I see her eyes snap open. I think she likes it. </p><p>“What is that?”. She asks, pointing at the sky and looking at me. </p><p>“Oh, that’s the aurora”. I say as we walk. her nose is pointing up and even if it’s a dim light she seems entranced by it. The reds and blues and greens that move against the dark of the sky are catching her attention. “You are very lucky to get to see it the first day you’re here at this hour”. I sigh, sadly. “Even the sky is spoiling the fun. I hoped to get you to see it better in the next few days, but there the universe goes”. I groan pointing at everything, but she’s not really listening to me. She’s so entranced she nearly slips and I have to keep her upright. She chuckles and smiles at me. </p><p>“Ooops! Sorry”. </p><p>“Don’t worry baby, it’s fine”. I say, but as I feel her getting close and hug me I get nervous and rigid. I don’t like to be touched, but she doesn’t care. She does it all the same, patting my back as if she’s trying to warm me. She smiles all too viciously. “Did you do that on purpose? The fall?”. I ask, suddenly self-conscious, but she says no with her head. </p><p>“No, but no need to waste it”. She confesses, grinning like a fool. Oh! She’s too feisty! I push her away gently and set her back in motion.</p><p>“You sly fox!”. I exclaim and we both laugh. “Get moving! Stop harassing me!”. Anna smiles big and happily and jumps away. She pulls her tongue out and runs in the street. I’m scared that she’s going to fall again, but she seems to  be fine. Maybe she’s too elated, but that’s not bad. It was exactly what I was aiming for. I just thought I would need more days to get there. She starts visioning the shops that are still open, pressing her nose on the windows. “Anna!”. I call her, climbing the stairs of the nearest pub, she looks up and runs to me. We then get inside. </p><p>In the pub the lights are yellow and the walls are covered with stems and shelves full of glass pints. Inside the temperature is at least twenty degrees more. I feel my frozen face start to unfreeze immediately. I waste no time in taking off my coat and hanging it on the wall, near the other fifty. Anna copies me a bit worried.</p><p>“Are you sure someone is not gonna steal them?”. She breathes and I can understand her worries, but I shake my head. We all do it here. She just needs to understand that we are not in America anymore. I point to one of the free wooden tables and she precedes me. She sits looking directly at the door and I sit in front of her. She looks at the menu and I suppose she points at something randomly, since there's no way she can read it. "I want this". She announces.</p><p>"That's alcohol, baby". I warn her, leaning on the back of the bench and she nods. Was she conscious about it? </p><p>"Yeah… me and my friends always drink it". She says as if it's a normal thing. I am her sister! And to start the evening with a confession wasn't exactly what I planned. Who are these friends? I don't want her to drink! I think at some point she notices that I am conflicted about it. She snorts. "Relax… it's just a drink. I'm not gonna die".</p><p>"No". I intercept categorically. </p><p>"No?". She asks in confusion. "What does that mean?". </p><p>"You're not gonna drink that. It's alcohol and you're a minor". I explain as if it was not obvious already. She looks at me unimpressed. She doesn't even try to throw a fit. "I don't want you to get used to it and I want to talk to your friends parents when we are back". </p><p>"Elsa, calm down". She says and now she's reprimanding me! How incredible. "I will be eighteen in three months. It's fine. It's not like I'm a child. I’ll be allowed to drink". She says and I take the menu from her hands, placing it on the table for the both of us to see. </p><p>"Even if so, that’s only for beer. In this country the minimum age for drinking <em> strong </em> alcohol, like that is, is 20 and I won't assume no responsibility for you to break the law". I intercept and she groans, rolling her eyes. "So you can order from… this section". I say, placing a finger on it. </p><p>"Are you serious? Who even makes these laws?”. She asks, offended. “Should I drink water at a pub?". She asks. So she can read after all! I nod and, after a second of disdain, her expression changes. She thinks about it, she nods and then she chuckles. I feel scared now. What is she plotting? "Then you're going to drink water too". She offers. "Both of us or neither". </p><p>"I am of age". </p><p>"Yes you are". She crosses her fingers and smiles evilly. She looks at me haughtily as if she’s already won the game. "But the more you get drunk, the more I will have fun with you when we get back. So either we both drink or neither of us does". I try to understand if I got her right and I find out I did! She's menacing me now! </p><p>"Naughty baby…”. I murmur, offended. I knew I shouldn’t have let her stay at Olaf’s. That damn boy. He has already corrupted her. “Why do I feel like staying too much with Olaf ruined you?". I breathe and I take the menu to read it again. It’s not like I can’t compete with her, but I’m asking myself if my next move is necessary. It’s clear that she doesn’t want to listen, so… "You’re right. Let’s just have dinner. I'll take a steak then and a coke. I was hungry anyway". </p><p>"Oh, come on!". She snaps, pointing at me as if she can’t believe it and now I know I won. I mentally put away the chessboard on which I was scoring our moves and I try to cover my pleased smile, behind the menu as she fumes and tries to get out of the trap she set on her own for herself. Naughty baby has to learn, yet. But it’s then I hear an alcoholic laugh coming from the table next to us, on the other wall. A man is leaning over with his red face and his friends seem equally amused. </p><p>“Missy, no one is gonna ask you ID here. Just have fun”. He says and I look at him with a glance that can kill. Why shall I have the pleasure of meeting the only Norwegian who had been well prepared to talk to foreigners while drunk, here of all places?  He must be so drunk he doesn’t even notice it, because he keeps on smiling, so I have to use the old manners. I clear my throat. </p><p>“Sir, det hører ikke med deg. Vend deg om”. I say in my most perfect Norwegian, with a commanding tone and he looks at me with such surprise I really think, now, that he had thought we were foreigners. Well… Anna actually is, but still. He raises both of his hands, excuses himself and all of his group start feigning this interaction has never happened. </p><p>“What did you say?”. Anna asks, but then she shakes it off, swinging her head. She doesn’t care, because she’s too worried to get her moves back on the board. I sigh and I know this game is not over yet. I place my mental chessboard back in place again, unpleased. I immediately know that she has had enough time to come up with some other reply and I patiently wait to hear it. “Anyway… You heard him. I can drink”. She moves, but I shake my head.</p><p>“He is drunk”. I answer. That’s a perfect defense. “I wouldn’t be surprised if he didn’t know what he was talking about at all”. I see the man looking at us with curiosity and I electrocute him with my eyes. He immediately shuts up. He has done enough! Is it that difficult to understand? Anna shakes her head. She’s trying to find an overture. </p><p>“Yeah, but he is right, isn’t he? I’m practically an adult and just now you said that beers are permitted to eighteen year olders, right?”. She asks. “I want a beer. If I don’t drink heavy alcohol, it’s fine, right?”. She insists and I sigh, thinking of the board and all the moves. Why do I feel like that is a check?</p><p>“Technically not yet”. I cover, trying to gain time to think of something that will help me here. I start tapping on the table with my fingers. I'm starting to get nervous and to lose my temper. That man ruined it for me!</p><p>“Not yet”. She confirms. “But just a beer won’t kill me and also, you forced me out because you wanted to drink”. She presses on. “And now you don’t want to let me party with you. How unfair is that?”. I think of the board frantically. She’s getting better and I’m getting more anxious by the second. I’m losing focus and I fear that if she keeps on going like this, it will be a checkmate at some point.</p><p>“Is it alcohol so important for you? Can’t you just enjoy being with me?”. I ask, following her game like a puppet now and before I can realise it, I find out she’s won me this time. I followed her exactly where she wanted me to be. A sequence of moves I would like to call the ‘guilt trip’. </p><p>“No… it’s not the alcohol per se”. She answers. “But it’s your birthday party, Els… and I want to enjoy it, but at the same time I want to be part of it too. Do you get me? If you drink and I can’t, I’ll feel like you left me out. I don’t want to be the only sober one here. And also I can’t force you not to. I don’t want to ruin your birthday for you. Please let me enjoy it. If you wanted to have fun alone you didn’t have to bring me here at all”. And I can hear the resentment in her voice. I close my eyes and I mentally lower my king. That’s totally a checkmate. Well played brat.</p><p>“Fine…”. I surrender, mortified. “But just one beer. I don’t want for you to wake up in the morning with a hangover. If we have to spend our trip home because you’re being sick, I’m gonna be crossed”.  I say and she nods. I’m scared by her complacence, but since she agreed, there is nothing I could possibly do. I get up to order. </p><p>When I come back with our glasses, she’s chatting with the men from the table over. Doesn’t she know that talking with strangers is not safe? Well… there’s nothing I could do about it anyway. She seems just like that. I put the tray with our food and drinks on the table between us and she lits, waving goodbye at her new friends and concentrating solely on me. </p><p>“I thought that eating something would have helped you. It's always better to drink with a full belly”. I say, sitting back. I push the burger in front of her and she nods. She bites it like she is famished and only now I realise that maybe she hasn’t eaten all day. She moans in pleasure. Poor baby. I feel so guilty now. I should have asked her. I take my beer glass and my crackers and I stare at her while she eats. She looks like a hungered kitty. She bites as big as she can filling her mouth completely to the point she can’t even chew. I smile sadly and I start playing with the hem of my glass. “Is it good?”. She hums to confirm. “Good”.</p><p>She eats… she stuffs her mouth happily and she even licks her fingers at the end. She drinks her beer hastily, a big gulp after another and when she’s full and her glass of beer is half-empty, she just sits there, satisfied, with that big smile of hers printed on her face. She even pats her belly. I scoff. What is happening to me? Why am I so fixated with her today? The only thing I can think of as I look at her is: how the hell this splendid baby ended up with me? </p><p>My mood darkens suddenly. I mean… am I not right? She deserves way better than… dead parents and a half sister that can’t take care of her. She deserves to be happier, but I genuinely don’t know how to do that. I never should have been put in this position in the first place. I’m not fit for anything that’s not… cold and dreary. A dead ghost taking care of a flower. How ironic!  I sip my drink and I look around myself now, all to avoid Anna’s questioning look. She is too good at reading me when I’m in a bad mood. That shouldn’t be a thing. </p><p>“Anna… there is something I’ve always wanted to ask you”. I start, nearly whispering. I am tipsy enough now to feel confident to ask her. Her cheeks are red and her eyes lustrous, so I’m fairly sure that she must be somewhere there too. If I’m lucky she will feel too confused tomorrow to remember it. “What is it exactly that you like about me?”. And I’m really curious about it. I don’t feel like I have any particular skill worth of loving. It goes beyond me how she can do it. </p><p>Anna becomes a notch darker shade of magenta. She subconsciously looks at the men on the other table as if she’s scared they will hear this conversation and think ill of us. I smile sardonically. Look at her going all shy about it now. This is new… I like it. I smile broadly, looking in the same directions she’s looking at and then I lean forward, reducing the distance between us. I want to tease her. It’s too fun to pass up the opportunity. </p><p>If she hadn’t been embarrassed enough, yet, when I brush my index against her hand she seems to be having a panic attack. She pants and then gulps down and then she clears her throat, gently pulling it away. Too much overstimulation, hm? I’ll remember that. She must be sensitive.</p><p>“They won’t hear it”. I suggest, breathing it in a sultry voice. “And even if they do… they will never know the peccaminuous detail”. I look at her directly in the eyes. From the way she frantically breathes and from the scared glances she’s stealing of me, I think she’s starting to lose it. She’s still too naive to play this game, but she wants to play the adult. Then let’s see to what extent. “Because there’s that detail… you know. The one you’ve been suggesting since you came here”. And now I press my hand against hers. “You like that, right? The prohibited”. I say. “So why don’t you tell me what it is you like of me”. And then, to my utmost surprise, she snaps. She gets up from her seat and looks at me like she’s going to cry. </p><p>“No. Stop pressuring me”. She breathes and then she runs away, hiding in the bathroom. I sigh and I get composed back again. I cross my fingers together and I think about it. Maybe that was really too much. I overstepped. What surprises me the most though it’s not Anna’s reaction. But mine. I feel disappointed. What was I expecting? I thought this was what she wanted, but I don’t really know what to read in her reaction. I want to get up and follow her. I want to know if she’s okay but I’m too scared. What if she’s crying again? I don’t want to intrude and also I'm sick of sadness for today. </p><p>But as I think of this, she comes back. It has been not even five minutes. Her face is still red as hell but it’s wet now and also her bags. What did she do? She sits again and the water on her hands pools in drops on the table. My eyebrows snap up in confusion while she looks at me and she seems angry. Then I realise… she had to go cooling down. </p><p>“Feeling better?”. I ask and my amused tone gives me away. She pouts and the rage in her eyes is something I never thought I would see. “Anna… I was playing with you, I’m sorry”. I try to lie. Something tells me that this would be the fastest way to get out of this conversation, but this puts me in an even worse position all of a sudden, because she seems even more crossed. Ah… wrong move.</p><p>“Does this seem funny to you?”. She asks and she’s serious now. Something goes off in my head. An alarm. She’s not playing this time. “I don’t like to be mocked on this particular subject. I really feel for you, idiot”. She breathes. “And you’re being an asshole about it”. Her tone is quiet but her emotions are not. I don’t know what to say. “I’ve tried to be quiet about it, since you don’t like it. Why all of a sudden you feel like teasing me about it would be a nice idea for a laugh? Are my feelings worth so little to you?”. The change in character she’s playing takes me completely off guard. I look at her and all sorts of thoughts go through my mind. She has rendered me mute. “Did you take me here to make fun of me?”.</p><p>“No”. I can say that much. I want to say I’m sorry. That my way of expressing myself was totally uncalled for. That I won’t do it anymore, but none of that exits my mouth. I just look at her like a scolded child. “I… wanted to know”. I say and my lips become a thin line as she looks at me, still enraged. I clear my throat. “I wanted to know what you think of me. I took you here because I want to get close to you”. And then a second passes. “Maybe not that close”. </p><p>“Really…”. She groans and she looks at me emotionless. I try an embarrassed smile. Then I drink a big gulp from her glass. That’s the only liquor left. She looks at me for seconds and then she seems to become pensive, more than angry. “Are you… falling for me?”. She suggests squinting at me and somehow her question electrosìcutes me on the spot. I start coughing the liquid and then I scoff. </p><p>“Of course not!”. I groan. “What are you thinking? I’m your…”. And now it’s me who feels deeply uncomfortable about our surroundings. I look at the men talking on the other table as if they could shoot me on the spot. “...That”. I whisper. Anna nods as if she’s heard this phrase one time too much. She mocks me this time with a scoff. She crosses her arms and looks disgusted at one side of the room to not look directly at me. </p><p>“How convenient”. She murmurs. “How convenient that you use this excuse every time. But I’ll tell you it’s losing its force, you know. You were more convinced in the beginning”. She looks at me with the back of her eye. What is she implying exactly? Then she thinks about it. This silence is killing me. “Fine, if you want to know I’ll tell you what I like about you”.  She confirms. “Do you want a list, or do you want me to show you?”. She winks at me. And finally she succeeds in what no one else ever has succeeded. She makes me blush furiously. I cover my face with my hands. What the hell is happening to us? Might be a sensation, but aren’t the roles reversed now? What was in those beers? “See?”. She asks exasperated. “Do you like it now, that I’m teasing you?”. </p><p>“Why do I feel like this evening has gone terribly wrong?”. I ask and she looks at me as if she doesn’t understand what I’m talking about. I’m not used to this kind of emotional rollercoaster and neither seems she, but she seems satisfied about herself now. How comes?</p><p>“Now that we’ve had against each other… Could we get another beer?”. She asks. “And also a slice of cake? I saw one on the counter on my way here from the bathroom. Seemed delicious”. I brush back my hair and I nod. I don’t know what game she’s playing but I’m already losing focus. It can’t get worse than this, so I nod. I pull out of my wallet the first bill I can reach for: it’s a one thousand kroner bill. It’s like shooting a fly with a bazooka, but I don't care anymore. I hand it over to Anna, who smiles broadly. “Really?”. She asks, and I shrug. </p><p>“Why not, kid? Get in there and have fun”. I say, so she takes it and jumps happily to the counter. I’ve lost the count on my moves by now. I don’t know if I’m still playing the game or if it’s the game that’s playing me. What am I even doing at this point? She comes back with lots of glasses and plates and I just close my eyes and let myself be dragged by her into that blurred bliss. </p><p>At some point she starts smiling again. Her cheek and her nose become red from all the alcohol she’s been drinking, but she’s not a bad kid. Not at all. She doesn’t destroy anything, she doesn’t go wandering for the pub screaming and jumping, like I thought she would. Even if it’s probably because she sees me seated and she doesn’t want to disappoint me. The only thing that she can’t contain as the beers reach her head is her mouth. </p><p>At the beginning she smiles more and more and then she starts talking. I try to listen to her as she talks about her friends, her school, her homeworks and even about a dog called Stella that apparently accompanies her all the way from Olaf’s house to the school. Damn… I really try to listen to her and I nod and I hum, to let her know I’m following, but the more I drink the more sleepy I get. I’m still totally here… present and vigilant, but my eyes are closing for the day. Slowly… inexorably. And then… hours later… silence. </p><p>My eyes snap open and I try to understand why I don’t hear her talk and then, I turn toward her and there she is. Spread on the table, deadlike. I look at her for moments and then I sigh in relief. I look at the ceiling. <em> Thank you… </em>I breathe and I finally get up on my wobbly drunken legs. She’s a goner finally. I want to go home. I’m tired. I walk to her and I notice her devastated face. She’s drooling on the table and she’s snoring a bit more than usual now, with her cheek smooched over the table. </p><p>“Ha!”. I chuckle, covering my lips with my hand. I take out my phone and I take a picture of her. If only she knew… I look at her for minutes. “Damn… she’s cute”. I follow my legs then as they leap in the direction of our coats. I feel like I’m walking on the moon. I have to dress her like a doll and I’ve never played dolls while drunk… fair enough I don’t remember playing dolls at all. But I think it would have helped in a moment like this one. So, in my inexperience, I end up putting her coat on her in the wrong verse, her beanie down to her nose and the scarf… I don’t even know how that stuff works right now, so I stuff it in her pocket for a half. It dangles freely for the other part.</p><p>When I manage to get my coat on me without entangling myself in it, I approach the toughest of tasks. I try to pull her up from my back until I finally manage to get her against me and then I give her a piggyback ride. I stumble heavily and I nearly kiss the floor. Not only because I’m drunk but because I didn’t realise she would be so incredibly weighty.</p><p>“Huff… baby”. I groan staggering onward, trying to coordinate both of my feet as we get out of the pub. “You need to spiser less. Hvordan can you være så tynn and så heavy på samme time. It’s beyond me”. And so we go. She, sleeping like a dead ass, while me… I’m desperately trying to not fall on the ice that has formed on the road during the night. So I shuffle, small step after another until finally I set foot on the snow that will take us home and I finally feel secure enough. My feet are literally freezing inside my cloth shoes, but one can’t have everything from life, can’t they?</p><p>We are crossing the famous bridge when she starts talking in her sleep. I groan. Does she ever stop?</p><p>“I wuw you”. She breathes and, now I feel compelled to listen somehow. My heart starts to thrum in my rib cage while my guts contort in excitement. Did she say what I think she said? I feel slightly more awake now. Shush… shush! I have to listen. I try to produce the least sound I can, while I walk, because I want to understand what she’s going on about. I don’t care if my ears are cold, red and unwilling. “I wuw you Elsa. Oh, so much”. Aw… she’s so sweet. “You are so beautiful… so smart. I want to kiss the hell out of you”. I still for a moment. Even my heart stops and then I laugh. </p><p>“You had to ruin it… Didn’t you?”. I ask and I resume walking, faster this time, because I’m tired of hearing her talk. Even more because I don’t know if I should talk with her or let her vent more. And finally… At least but not last… I finally stumble into my house. I breathe the wood in the hair and I feel safe. The only insuperable obstacle that divides me and sleep is… stairs. So dready. But I have to try. I put the foot on the first step and then another and before I can even consider the possibility I am at the top. Alive. </p><p>I follow the dark corridor that opens for me and then I enter the bedroom. There is only one big bed, full of cushions. I have been dreading this moment all day, but now I’m so devastated I don’t care. Sleeping with her or not… It doesn’t even make my heart flutter now. My brain is shutting off and I have to move before it does definitely. </p><p>I lay Anna on her belly on the bed. I take off her hat and her shoes and the coat and I even kiss her forehead. Then I get naked, head to toe. Clothes feel constricting right now. I breathe the freedom in and my integrity out, before I slip inside the bed. I cover myself to the tip of my hair and then… Black out.  </p><p>
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  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>So... Elsa is a bit of a byelingual mess when she gets drunk. This is a shoutout for all the byelinguals out there, like me. We all have been there at some point... I feel you.<br/>Ps. How are you feeling about Elsa and Anna? Is there enough drama or... do you feel like you need more?<br/>Pss. I've noticed a lot of guests here and there. I use to answer to the comments that I like. If you ask questions or make a comment and you don't receive an answer, and you are a guest, it's because I can't answer to you. Sorry. But that doesn't mean I don't appreciate your effort. You are loved all the same &lt;3. Thank you.</p>
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